When we send our kids to school, we expect them to learn a lot more than the old humorous standby of the “three r’s: reading, ‘riting, and ‘rithmatic.” We expect that they’ll learn science and social studies, be taught about healthy choices, and learn lessons about friendship, community, and diplomacy.
Then, these horrifying incidents pop up in the news. A teacher has harmed a child. There are allegations of kids being given substances without parental permission. A board member has behaved inappropriately.
We know these incidents are relatively rare, at least compared to the total number of teachers, staff, and school officials who have the best interests of kids at heart. When our kids do encounter these incidents, though, what are they learning, and how can we direct it?
What’s Going On At Schools?
Most people who work in K-12 schools genuinely care about kids, education, and the future. The really ugly incidents make headlines in part because they are not the norm, and not what we expect in our kids’ schools.
For instance, there’s currently a case in Tennessee in which a school board member was charged with assault after he called a teen “hot” and touched her during a meeting. According to 10 News, though, he can’t be removed from the board, since board members are independently elected.
Then there was an incident in Florida, last December, in which a school board member posted a Facebook Live video, according to Jax Today, in which he expressed very racialized sentiments about which demographics of people he finds to be mostly “rude,” “nasty,” and “problematic.”
While this wasn’t said directly to students, it’s easy to see why a child or parent who learned of the comments would worry about how such rhetoric might spill over into school governance and cause harm.
Again, these behaviors aren’t the norm, but they also aren’t so isolated and rare that we can assume our kids won’t encounter them. Instead, we have to prepare our kids and ourselves to handle them when they arise.
What To Tell Kids When Adults Misbehave
We spend a lot of time telling our kids the behaviors we expect from them. Don’t run in the store. Don’t use these words. Don’t be unkind. Don’t mistreat people. Don’t throw toys. Then, they see adults disobeying many of those same rules.
If we’re already teaching our kids accountability (the idea that behavior has consequences, and that we are responsible for those outcomes) then the next step is showing them that adults have accountability too.
At home, maybe that looks like apologizing for losing your temper, or for misunderstanding, or for other mistakes. When your child hears you apologize, they learn that adults can be wrong too.
In cases like the above, you can discuss with your child, at an age-appropriate level, how consequences work in the adult world. This can range from mere social disapproval to criminal charges, as these examples show.
How Can My Child Know Who To Trust?
We send our kids to school expecting the adults to be safe and people they can trust. Usually, they are. School systems have protections in place, including background checks.
Sometimes, adults can be wrong. They can give incorrect information with the best intentions, make mistakes, and do things that are harmful, unkind, or inappropriate.
Our smallest kids don’t need to understand this at the deepest levels. They just need to know that their grownups at home are aware that other grownups can get things wrong. They need to feel safe to speak to a parent, if a teacher, school staff member, family member, or complete stranger behaves in a way that makes them uncomfortable, or pushes something that feels wrong.
For older kids, the sense of betrayal can arise when they realize that adults who express harmful things — like racially-charged commentary or inappropriate comments about a teenager — can still hold powerful positions. For kids old enough to feel a sense of injustice, listening is a better choice than orating. Let them tell you how they feel about it.
Reassure Kids They Are Safe — And Tell Them How
Whether your child has encountered an adult who has said something thoughtless about race, religion, or gender, or one who has said something that seems genuinely predatory or boundary-crossing, the priority is their safety. Your kid needs to feel safe in their body and their identity.
This is where we salute Fred Rogers and help our kids find the helpers. Make sure your kids know who they can turn to if something seems wrong. In addition to their parents, it’s good for them to have other adults to trust. This may be their school resource officer, their guidance counselor, or an aunt or uncle.
Teach your kids that safe adults don’t ask them to keep secrets from their parents. Safe adults will respect boundaries. Safe adults will listen to and take the kids’ concerns seriously.
For parents and for children, it’s upsetting and scary when adults associated with the school system break the trust we place in them. It’s okay to have strong feelings about it, and its important to discuss it on an age-appropriate level and protect your child’s well-being.
