What if your teen is at a party, in a car or hanging out with friends when something suddenly feels wrong—but they don’t know how to leave without looking embarrassed? Giving kids a secret family code word can provide an easy escape hatch when they need help but aren’t comfortable asking for it directly.
A code word gives children and teens a way to tell their parents, “I need you,” without having to explain themselves in front of friends. It can also allow parents to become the “bad guy” their child can blame for leaving an uncomfortable situation.
That was the thinking behind a recent viral story in which a teen asked her mother about ordering pepperoni pizza from a party. The family had previously agreed that “pepperoni” meant the teen needed to be picked up immediately, allowing the parent to provide an effortless excuse for leaving.
The mother said she didn’t ask questions before picking her daughter up. Her daughter later revealed that people at the party had started taking pills, illustrating how a simple code word can give a child an exit before they have to confront a potentially dangerous situation themselves.
Kids and Teens Face Plenty of Risks
Parents can’t anticipate every situation their children may encounter. Pew Research Center’s review of national data has documented concerns ranging from bullying and substance use to physical fights, anxiety, depression and other risks facing young people.
The numbers can make those concerns more concrete. For example, Pew reported that 19.6% of U.S. high school students said they had been bullied at school in 2013, while 14.8% reported electronic bullying, and about 24.7% said they had been in a physical fight during the previous year.
A code word isn’t a replacement for conversations about safety, peer pressure or responsible decision-making. Instead, it gives kids another tool when they recognize that a situation has gone beyond what they can comfortably handle themselves.
How Parents Can Create a Code Word
Start by choosing a word or phrase that sounds completely ordinary. The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia recommends developing a code word that signals a teen needs to be picked up, with examples such as asking, “How is Aunt Julie feeling?”
Make the rules clear: if your child uses the code, you will come get them without an argument or immediate lecture. CHOP specifically recommends discussing situations where the system could be useful, including alcohol or drugs and getting a ride from an inexperienced driver.
The Zebra’s Dr. Amy Parks recommends going a step further by creating multiple codes for different situations and practicing them. Most importantly, parents should follow through calmly so children learn that asking for help won’t automatically result in punishment.
