Martial arts star Jet Li discovered that being a good father required more than just providing for his children and teaching them discipline. Having grown up without a father, Li initially believed his responsibility was to work hard, make money and give his children a strong education.
That approach changed when his daughter Jada experienced mental health struggles. Despite years of studying Buddhism and training his mind, Li realized he didn’t know how to connect with her when she withdrew emotionally.
Li began questioning his role as a parent and recognized that he had been approaching fatherhood like a military commander. “You’re the general. They’re the soldiers,” Li said of his previous mindset, eventually realizing that his children needed him to listen rather than simply tell them what to do.
The experience changed how Li approached parenting. He reduced his workload to spend more time with his family and learned that sometimes his children didn’t need advice or solutions—they simply needed their father to “hear” them.
How Strict Parenting Can Affect Children
Jet Li’s experience also demonstrates why parents should consider the potential consequences of overly strict or parenting like a “general.” Research has found that behaviors including yelling, criticizing, shaming and isolating children can negatively affect their emotional and social development.
One longitudinal study followed more than 4,200 Brazilian children from birth through age 18. Researchers found that 45% of the children considered their parents moderately harsh, while another 5% considered their parents very harsh.
By age 18, children exposed to moderate or severe harsh parenting were less capable of regulating their emotions, had lower self-esteem and experienced more problems with peers. Previous research has also connected harsh parenting with aggression, defiance and attention difficulties.
As researcher Kimberly Ann Kopko explains, “Harsh parenting may work in the short term,” but it can produce negative consequences over time. The goal isn’t to eliminate rules or discipline, but to establish boundaries without damaging the parent-child relationship.
How Parents Can Really Listen to Their Kids
Listening to children doesn’t mean parents have to agree with everything they say or eliminate household rules. Instead, parents can maintain appropriate boundaries while giving their children an opportunity to explain their feelings, experiences and concerns.
One of the simplest ways to become a better listener is to give children your undivided attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, use positive body language and allow your child enough time to finish speaking before responding.
Parents can also repeat or reflect what they’ve heard, using phrases such as, “It sounds like you’re feeling…” before asking whether they’ve understood correctly. Open-ended questions can encourage children to share more while helping parents understand what is actually bothering them.
Finally, parents should resist the temptation to immediately solve every problem. YoungMinds recommends practicing these listening skills regularly because “the more you try it, the easier and more natural these skills will feel.”
