Our kids are online. If they’re not using the internet at home, they’re probably using it at school or the library, and if they’re not, they’re missing out on valuable skills they’ll use in job searches, college, and other areas of life.
We know that completely banning the internet isn’t an option. We have to find ways to teach them how to be safe and supervise where necessary.
At the same time, kids also deserve a degree of privacy — so how do we draw the line?
When Kids Share Too Much, They Don’t Realize It
Recently, I overheard my son talking to someone about a game. He’s a teenager, and he didn’t give them any identifying information that went too far, but he skated up close enough to the line to raise red flags for me. I pulled him off the game, and we talked about the risks because it’s tough to know for sure whether that person is also a child casually playing a game or an adult digging for information.
I’m still torn about whether that sounds excessively alarmist or far too casual — but we addressed the fact that internet friends might not be who they say they are and that caution is warranted until you have enough information.
I also sent him this TikTok from the amazing user Josemonkey, who uses the platform to show how much information a person can find about you if you give them just a tiny bit to get started.
I absolutely recommend that every parent show their kids this or others of his videos. It’s incredible how he uses Google maps and other tools to pinpoint the exact location where a video was taken.
So, sure, maybe all your kid said was that his mom is running him to Dollar General and letting him walk to the skate park from there—but he has no idea how much information that may give, especially compiled with other data he may not even realize he’s passed on.
The Balance Between Privacy & Intervention
In my story above, I overheard some comments that worried me. I also try to stay involved in what my kids are doing online, so I listen to stories about new levels uploaded to Geometry Dash about long-distance Pokemon trades and the sociopolitical debate in TikTok comment sections.
One of the most important things we do as parents is listen. These things are important parts of our kids’ lives, and they give us the opportunity to listen when those red flags do come up. It also opens the opportunity to reply and be heard.
In fact, Forbes reported a while back that gaming giant Roblox found through a survey that around a third of parents actually sit down and join their kids in games, which gives them not only bonding time but also the ability to monitor online interactions.
Kids Do Deserve Privacy In Safe Proportions
Therapist Erika Brent tells Scary Mommy that when it comes to cell phones and text messages, parents should usually not be peeking. She advises allowing that privacy starting at around age 13.
She said there are two times when you should be reading your kids’ text messages.
If they’re younger and new to online interactions, it may be appropriate to maintain monitoring for protection.
She says that even for older kids, when there’s a specific concern of danger, it can be appropriate to intervene, but she warns that it should be done only when the benefit (like saving your child from harm by himself or others) outweighs the potential for relationship damage.
Monitoring & Checking In Should Not Be Sneaky
When you provide your child with a cell phone, computer, or other connected device, Brent recommends discussing the rules and boundaries in advance. If you’ll be checking in regularly, or if you’ll only go through their devices in case of a concern, they should know that, and they should know why. She says:
“Parents should let their children know that they’re supervising their activities and texts so there are no surprises…Importantly, parents should explain why this is important and how they will support their children in learning healthy skills and boundaries when communicating on devices.”
Keeping lines of conversation open, keeping an ear out but not going overboard, and ensuring your kids know that you’re checking in will all help make them a little safer on the internet.
