What’s the hardest part of parenting teenagers? One significant factor may be that there are suddenly so many changes at once.
Most of us can handle gradual change—buying the kid a larger size of pants after he grows out of the old ones, supervising as he scrambles his own eggs instead of having them done for him, or giving up the nickname he considers ‘babyish’ now.
Adolescence, however, brings so many changes so suddenly that it could be comparable to bringing home a new baby, one expert says. Unfortunately, there are no classes or time off for this transition. Fortunately, there are folks out there offering the next closest thing.
New Parent Classes & Maternity Leave? Try Teenternity Leave!
Sarah Ockwell-Smith has written a book titled How to Raise a Teen, and one tenet is empathy for the parent. She’s coined the word “defervescence” to describe what she says is a second transition of motherhood when instead of shifting all your focus and energy to your baby, you have to start shifting some of it away.
She says if she had her way, there would be as many supports in place for people transitioning into parenting teens as for those transitioning into new parenting: teenternity leave, teenternity pay, teenatal groups, and parent & teen groups.
In an Instagram post, she posited how helpful it would be to parents if they could take time off when their teen went through heartbreak or meet up at these “teenatal” classes to learn about how teen behavior isn’t an attack on the parent but a natural response to changes in brain chemistry. She added:
“I think it’s time we spoke up and demanded better! In the last few years middle-aged women have made huge strides in getting the menopause and peri-menopause spoken about – now it’s time to get more awareness of midlife parenting/raising teens.”
The Scientific Basis For More Support For Parenting Teens
Studies show similar effects on parents transitioning into parenting teens as for new parents just learning to care for a baby. However, the other side of the coin—the joy, the daily and weekly milestones like the baby lifting his own head or laughing—may be missing.
According to Psychology Today, these studies consistently find “no significant differences in stress levels between parents of toddlers and parents of teenagers.” What they find instead is that until around age 5, parents have less frustration and concern about their relationship with the child.
“[P]arents with children under five show increased satisfaction with the relationship with their children, higher self-esteem, greater confidence as a parent, and fewer symptoms of depression than parents of teenage children or school-age children. Parents of toddlers also show greater happiness when interacting with their toddler-age children than parents of teenagers.”
This could indeed be associated with a lack of support and the loss of the constant feedback provided by infants, toddlers, and preschoolers.
Another Parenting Expert’s TED Talk Is Full Of Hope
Unless and until we achieve these “teenatal” classes Hockwell-Smith was dreaming of in her post above, we’re left to rely on advice and support where we can find it.
Her book is one of those sources, and other parenting experts also focus on positive relationships between parents and teenagers. As parents, we’re left to cobble these resources together ourselves, but another helpful and supportive source I found was Dr. Cameron Caswell, known as Dr. Cam.
A few years ago, in her TED Talk, she offered a few stories and metaphors that helped put into perspective the way teens feel and how our parenting affects them.
For instance, she offered the metaphor of a tongue twister, and most of us would struggle to repeat it. Then she pointed out that if we, adults, tried to pronounce this wonky phrase and struggled, then someone yelling at us, telling us we’re not trying hard enough, and accusing us of failing at it on purpose would be much more detrimental than helpful.
Her TED Talk is below and worth your time.
Being A Teenager Is Hard, Too
By the time we’re raising teenagers, we’re generally a few decades removed from our own teen experiences. That’s long enough to forget some of the complex parts and to look back on our worst decisions with scorn for our behavior instead of compassion for our teen selves.
Stanford Medicine Children’s Health implores us to make an effort to remember our own teen years honestly and fairly and remember the moods and attitudes we felt and expressed so that we can understand how our children feel as they become teens.
They also advise learning positive parenting techniques and employing them where possible because authoritarian parenting tends to be less effective on people who are starting to strain for their independence.
“Criticism and excessive punishment, including words that belittle, can hurt a teen’s self-esteem, thereby increasing rebellious behavior. When warmth, kindness, consistency, and love characterize parent-child communication, the relationship will flourish, as will self-esteem, cooperation, and respect.”
As for dealing with that struggle towards freedom and control of their lives, the health org suggests reminding your teen that rights and responsibilities are two sides of the same coin and that they can’t have one without the other.