Building rapport and understanding with your child is a lifelong process, but there are moments when opportunities arise to improve the connection quickly. Sometimes, you can even create those opportunities on purpose.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, PhD, of Good Inside, has a suggestion for how to create more connection in a single conversation. She says this single question makes kids more cooperative and decreases rude behaviors!
Ask This Question
Dr. Becky, who also has a podcast and an app that encourages parents to forge lasting and valuable connections with their children, regularly offers little tips and tricks via her social media accounts. In this case, it’s a TikTok video in which she advises asking your child:
What could I do better as your parent?
Don’t panic! You do not have to actually take their advice! There’s a little more to it than that!
Follow Up & Ask More Questions
First, genuinely listen to their answer. Remember that this isn’t a service contract, this isn’t a promise, this isn’t an obligation. If the answer is “Feed me ice cream for breakfast,” “Get rid of bedtime,” or “Take me to Disneyland,” don’t freak out and start explaining why that’s not happening.
Instead, keep talking, and more importantly, keep listening.
Dr. Becky says to ask, “What would that look like?” and “Tell me more.”
Let them tell you what they imagine as their ideal scenario. There’s no need to shoot it down—just listen.
Why It’s Great
The endgame here isn’t learning what you should be doing differently (although it’s certainly possible there will be some valuable feedback) or inviting criticism. It’s a connection.
The psychologist explains:
“Imagine your boss coming to you randomly and asking how they could be a better manager to you. Just by asking the question and listening, they’re basically saying, ‘I care about you. I respect you. I’m invested in this relationship.’ You’re building connection.”
The result?
“With more connection,” she explains, “always comes more cooperation.”
In Her Own Words
Watch below as Dr. Becky explains
More From Dr. Becky
In her TED Talk last year, Dr. Becky said, “There’s almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that can have as much impact as repair.”
She described an incident in which she yelled at her child when he complained about the dinner she’d just spent her evening making, already worn out from her work week and exhausted from recent sleeplessness. She not only felt like she’d done irreparable damage to her relationship with her son but also felt additional guilt since this is the field in which she works and advises others every day.
Why is this story important? Dr. Becky explains that when parents ask her what they should focus on, she always answers, “Get good at repair.”
You can view an excerpt of that talk below. In it, she explains that it’s not just about apologizing to your child but also about acknowledging your mistakes and their impact and building a better relationship.