There’s a mom on TikTok telling the story of her daughter’s fifth birthday, sharing a photo of her child’s smiling face, only for the letdown when she learned none of her classmates had shown up for the party.
She’s not alone. There are dozens of comments from other parents who say the same thing, or something similar, happened to their child, and we’ve heard the story many more times, especially since the COVID era.
Occasionally, there’s a happy ending with a hero (or the whole community, or a social media group of moms) to the rescue, but mostly, these stories are just sad, repeated tales of disappointed kids. Is there a way parents can prevent them?
Set An RSVP & Consider It A Max
In the invitation, set a deadline for guests (or rather, their parents) to RSVP. Then, if you get five replies, assume that five is a cap, not a starting point. Prepare for the possibility that two, three, or five of those who RSVP’d will not show up.
It’s great to have an extra goodie bag and enough cake in case you’re surprised, and half the class arrives with moms saying, “Oh gee, didn’t I send that text?” but don’t count on it.
This also gives you ample opportunity to cancel a venue if it’s clear there won’t be any guests. Then, make a new plan to give your child a joyful birthday with family, or just as a parent-kid special day out.
Follow Up Assertively With Expected Guests
Once you send out the invitations, follow up. If the party is on Saturday, remind parents on Friday, and make it easy to be honest if they’re not showing up.
Maybe you say, “Hello everyone, just a reminder that Kate’s birthday party is at [venue] on Saturday at 10 am! I’m doing final confirmations, so if anyone’s plans have changed, please let me know as soon as possible!”
Remember that things do change. People get sick, work schedules shift, and people oversleep on the weekend after a rough week. In an ideal world, all the other parents would be great communicators and let you know in advance, but you can counterbalance a little of that lack by being an assertive communicator yourself.
Consider The Date & Likely Availability
One of my kids was born on Christmas Eve. We all know people whose birthdays fall on or near Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, or the fourth of July, and people whose birthdays may coincide with the first day of summer vacation, or during Spring Break.
It’s very convenient to plan a party when school is out, but it’s important to remember that these are also times when families may travel, visit extended family, or spend time catching up. That means that if your child’s party is in the middle of Spring Break, maybe a lot of her friends are traveling to see Grandma for Easter, or if you plan it the weekend nearest Valentine’s Day, some kids might be with a sitter while the parents take a trip.
When picking a date for a party, try to find a time that works for the most guests, not just a day when everyone is out of school.
Keep Families & Budgets In Mind
Most of your kids’ friends and classmates probably have siblings, and many will likely have younger siblings. That means that if parents are expected to stay for the party, they may need a sitter, and if it’s a drop-off, they have to load the younger child up a couple of times for pickup and drop-off.
If you pick a venue far from home (say the nearest skate rink or kiddie arcade is an hour away from your town) this gets even more complicated.
Ensure the invitation clearly states whether parents are expected to stay or if it’s a drop-off event, and specify whether siblings are welcome.
On a related note, consider mentioning in the invite that gifts are not expected. This can take the extra strain off the parent of a would-be attendee who can’t find the extra cash this month.
Plan For Smaller, Friendlier Gatherings
Instead of inviting the whole class, consider inviting only the three or four kids your kid is closest to.
This helps for a couple of reasons.
First, an invitation for the whole class is easy to ignore. A parent might think, “Well, there will be 20 other kids there, nobody will notice if my child isn’t.”
Second, whole-class social dynamics can be complicated. There may be a child who doesn’t attend because of a conflict with another classmate, a situation you didn’t even know about, and that doesn’t directly involve your child.
If you just invite best friends, you can sidestep issues like this.
Have A Party At School Or Daycare
If it’s allowed, bring a cake or cookies to school or daycare. This ensures that your child gets one event with a big group, even if it’s just a quick one at the end of the day.
You could also coordinate with coaches and instructors to show up with cupcakes and pizza at the end of baseball practice, or bring ice cream and cake to the end of dance lessons. Then the kids are already present, and the message to parents can simply be a request to let their child stay an extra 30 minutes to celebrate, rather than to add another day’s event to their schedule.
This doesn’t have to replace a regular party with family or at a venue, but it can be an effective way to ensure your child gets their large-group event.
Make Plans Clear In The Invitation
Is it a drop-off party? Will guests need extra money to play the arcade games at the skate rink? What time should parents plan on picking up their child?
Parents who know what to expect may be quicker to RSVP (even if their message is that their kid can’t make it) than parents who are guessing how the plans will fit into their schedule.
If you are open to more flexibility, such as dropping a child off afterward if Mom’s workday starts during the party, or if you’ve scheduled the venue for longer than the party and understand that some kids will leave early, let invitees know.
Keep It Flexible
Plan a party that works for a larger group but is still fun if there are only a few kids.
For instance, if you plan the party at a skating rink, your child can still skate and play the arcade games even if nobody shows up but family. If you plan for the zoo, it’s still going to be exciting and fun, whether there’s a group of 15 kids or just your child and their siblings.
If you plan a surprise party, your child won’t even know whether the plan was 20 friends or just their siblings and cousins, which makes it much harder to be disappointed with the turnout.
Make It A Trip With 1-2 Friends
Instead of a traditional sit-down party with cake and presents, suggest a birthday outing.
Invite a friend or two who you know will show up. These are the kids your kid always hangs out with, or ones whose parents are your friends. Choose someone who is dependable (but still remember that sometimes things do crop up).
Depending on age and interests, you could take them to the aquarium, shopping, or to a sporting event or concert.
Since you’re picking something that suits their interests, you’re less likely to have a surprise no-show.
Have A Backup Plan
What if you’ve made the big plans, reserved the venue, brought out the cake, and still nobody shows up?
You need a backup plan. Maybe that’s to call your siblings and get the cousins on-site in a hurry, or maybe it’s to post to your local mom group to get a few attendees. Or maybe it involves inviting other kids at the skate rink or playground to join you for cake and ice cream, and having your child make new friends.
The backup plan might still be a simpler family get-together or taking your child somewhere special, even without guests.
The important thing is to have a backup in mind before the party, so that you aren’t scrambling for answers if things go south.
Understand (And Talk To Your Child) Why No-Shows Happen
If you invited 25 kids and 15 parents RSVP’d, they’d be there, only for nobody to show up, let’s be honest: that was rude. You and your child have been subjected to some behavior that was thoughtless at best.
That said, not every no-show is because people are mean or careless, or because other kids wanted to hurt your child.
Your child should be reminded that his friends cannot drive, and that their absence likely says more about their parents’ availability than their willingness to hang out. Please communicate to your baby that no-shows are not a reflection of his worth or of whether people like him.
Remember, this doesn’t mean you failed. Plans can change suddenly, people have a lot on their plates and can forget, and maybe some people just didn’t care enough to let you know, but it doesn’t mean either you or your kid deserved this.