Every family’s balance of responsibility and financial dynamics is unique, but patterns can also be observed across many different families.
The change in financial relationships and sense of autonomy when one parent transitions from a career life to staying at home with the kids is another. Not every new stay-at-home parent (or even every stay-at-home mom) will have the same experience, but one mom’s recent decision to share her feelings publicly has revealed that many others do share her sentiments.
Jessie Williams Ledlin, who describes herself as both a “Porsche mom” and a mom who loves “a good KMart bargain,” stepped away from her business to raise a child, and she recently shared with the public that it affected her mindset.
The Financial Burden Of A Single-Income Home
Being able to stay home with our kids is a peak parenting privilege for many of us. It’s a joy to know that our child’s first words and first steps will be in our presence, rather than with a daycare employee or sitter. It’s incredible to be there in every moment when our babies are small.
It’s not what every parent wants, of course, and it’s not an option for every parent. Most of us aren’t “Porsche moms,” and many families can’t afford for one parent to stay home. For families who do work it out, it often means making other small lifestyle changes, such as giving up the second vehicle, skipping vacations, cooking at home instead of dining out, or forgoing various luxuries.
For women, especially, it can also mean a loss of independence.
This may be especially true in families where finances are so tight that staying home means giving up a vehicle or travel money, but Ledlin makes it clear: the feeling of loss can affect any family at any income level.
An Entrepreneur, Business Coach, & Mom
Ledlin built a brand as a business coach and entrepreneur. Last year, she continued to release new episodes of her business podcast, and her public-facing social media accounts show that she still has a hustle mindset.
However, these days, she’s stepped back to be her toddler’s primary caregiver. She says that even though their finances are strong enough (and their values are aligned enough), she doesn’t have to worry about the purchases she makes or get her husband’s input before making them; there are still a lot of emotions to navigate.
“I’m scared…I’m so used to making my own money, and when I was making money from my business, if I wanted to go out and buy a Prada bag, I was entitled to that, because I earned that money and I made that money and that’s how I want to spend it, but with [husband] being the financial provider, if I go out and buy that Prada bag, I feel entiteld, and I would feel bratty, and I would feel like, who do you think you are?”
Okay, maybe most of us aren’t having this thought about a bag with a four-digit price tag (unless two of them come after the decimal), but she’s definitely saying something that a lot of stay-at-home moms can identify with, aside from the scale. You can see her full video below.
My Money, Your Money, Our Money
We all (hopefully) understand that being a stay-at-home parent isn’t being selfish and indulgent. It’s a decision to make sacrifices, to let go of some other plans and desires to prioritize others.
We recognize that in most cases, the parent who continues working outside the home wouldn’t be able to make the same career choices and take the opportunities on offer at the same level if their partner weren’t at home keeping up with the kids and household responsibilities. Families are a team, and the stay-at-home parent is a full partner.
That said, no matter how much we know this consciously, we can still internalize some of the nastier messages that circulate, and some of the derision and negativity that can be directed towards stay-at-home parents — hence the sense that a SAHM “didn’t earn” the money that’s coming into the household and shouldn’t feel “entitled” to spend it.
Even if most of us can’t identify with Ledlin’s experience of running a big company and being able to buy Prada on a whim, her feelings about the shift still ring true, and many of us nod as she describes the conversation she had with her husband about it.
This can be witnessed in her comment section, where women are chiming in:
“I’m navigating this too and it is rough. Why do I feel guilty for buying groceries?”
“Just about to go through this after having my own business for the last 11 years. I can totally relate to everything you’re saying.”
“I struggle with this so much. I was definitely encouraged to be a stay at home mum, and I’m grateful. But I miss being financially independent.”
It’s a tradeoff, and every family has to make the decision about which way works for them — but it’s a little affirming to hear that it can be a challenge at any income level!