I’m happy to report that fathers today are some of the best history has ever seen. Modern fatherhood sees dads being better listeners, spending more time at the playground, utilizing gentle parenting, and emotionally connecting with their kids.
Roles have shifted where it’s not just the mother multitasking, staying home from work, and wearing hundreds of hats to make sure her kids are taken care of. Dads have entered the chat and are more hands-on than ever.
In the past, a father’s role was to work and pay for the house, bills, and everything that comes with life, while the mother would take care of the children. And while there are many different ways to split roles, fathers today are locked in and see the value in spending time with their children (even when working full-time jobs).
While modern fathers have cracked the code on fatherhood, many weren’t raised similarly and have distant relationships with their fathers. Modern fathers are likely to be the complete opposites of their dads because they were looking for a different kind of upbringing or paternal relationship.
Experts weighed in on how modern-day fathers can break the cycle and stay close to their sons. From active listening to common interests, fathers can build a remarkable, sustainable relationship with their sons that endures for generations.
Find Common Interests
One of the more popular ways fathers and sons can stay close is through shared interests, like sports. Whether it’s physically playing the sport together or watching it on TV, athletics is a go-to for many father-son relationships. This is mainly because it’s something dads can start with their sons from a young age.
It could look like father and son watching football every Sunday or shooting hoops in the driveway after dinner… What matters is that there’s a common connection to sports that spirals both physical play and conversation.
Doctor Meg Meeker explained that the science behind physical play is positive for kids. “Psychologists tell us that physical play and even a little roughhousing is good for both girls and boys. So dads, get those kids outside and climb some trees,” Meeker wrote.
Physical play could lead to elite athletics, which is an entirely new entity of connection between father and son. Physical play isn’t the only commonality between father and son, of course.
Some Easy Ways to Remain Close:
- Fishing
- DIY Project
- Game Nigghts
- Music
- Themed Dinners or Designated Dinner Nights (if child is older)
- Playing or Watching Sports Together
- Religion
- Daily Routines
- Video games
- Hands-On Experiences
- Volunteering
- Active affirmations
Everything from music to religion can be dissected and done together. It’s wise not to force commonalities, but spending more time together will eventually reveal common interests.
What the Experts Say: “Rough-and-tumble play (RTP) between fathers and children has been linked to many social, emotional, and behavioral child outcomes, such as reduced aggression and increased self-regulation,” according to researchers at the National Library of Medicine.
Three Simple Words
The importance of a father saying “I love you” to their kids is far more substantial than people realize. Doctor David Lowenstein explained that some men need courage to tell someone they love them, but when it comes to kids, those three little words go further in creating a long-lasting connection.
Some dads are physically present but lack emotion, while others are quite vocal in their feelings, but aren’t always there to see the outcome for themselves. As it turns out, the amount of affection and words of affirmation from fathers matters in keeping fathers and sons close.
Riley Marshall at Southern Illinois University conducted a study of over 600 pairs of adult twins, asking them about details from their childhoods. Marshall and his colleagues asked questions about their parents’ generosity, discipline, and affection. What they found was that neither individual remembered much about their mom’s or dad’s generosity or rules, but did remember how much affection they received — especially from their father.
“They found that the identical twins in the pairs who felt greater affection from their father tended to have higher self-esteem. Surprisingly, this was not the case with mothers.”
A father’s words of encouragement, attention, and reactions greatly affect their children, primarily sons. Start young and tell your sons how much you love and care for them. Be present and active in their lives, and don’t forget to say you love them. Those simple acts will carry with them into adulthood and mold who they are.
What the Experts Say: “It’s okay to say it. Sometimes it takes a little courage for a man to express his love, but if you start when he’s young, it will be easier when he gets older. Banish any preconceived notion that your son has to be tough and not express his feelings.”
Be Present
One of the most important things a father can be for his son is being present. Research has shown that a father’s involvement can promote security and confidence. Sons can better regulate their emotions, understand life lessons, and develop empathy.
Being present doesn’t just mean being home for dinner or watching TV together; it means playing an active role in their son’s life.
- Encouraging adventure together
- Reading, gaming, or doing crafts together
- Staying involved in their sons’ classwork and extracurriculars
- Knowing their sons’ friends and their families
- Staying in the loop with the highs and lows of their day-to-day.
If you’re able, start being a present and stable father figure while your sons are young, so that those benefits become ingrained in their upbringing. If your sons are older and you’re hoping for a different outcome in your relationship, show up for the good and the bad moments. Ask questions, be aware, and be accessible to your son.
Experts at Utah State shared how vital a father’s involvement is with his sons, and it’s one of those things that doesn’t take much. All your child asks of you is your time and attention.
What the Experts Say: “Take kids on a quick trip to the store, throw a ball in the backyard, or read a bedtime story. If you live elsewhere, stay connected through phone calls, texts, emails and video chats. Send morning and bedtime text messages with a meme, selfie, or dad joke to strengthen your bond.”
Listen Without Distractions
It can be incredibly hard to actively listen to your child with all the distractions in today’s world. There are phones, TVs, social media, homework… Having meaningful and important conversations can be tainted by constant screens. And yet, the ability to listen without distractions is one way to remain close to your son.
Those at the Fatherhood Channel found that most sons aren’t looking for solutions or for their dad to fix their problems. They want a father who listens without judgment or notices the emotions in their words. “When you listen, keep your eyes up, your heart open, and your mouth closed,” the site suggested.
A 2023 study even went as far as to say that a parent’s attentive listening skills support their kids’ bond and autonomy. However, listening isn’t enough. Active listening and listening without distractions have to be followed by action. Children, no matter the age, want to feel supported and validated. So, after listening to your son without distractions, it’s important to repeat what they are feeling and what you understand about it.
What the Experts Say: “High-quality listening is fundamentally important for close, supportive, and responsive parent–child relationships. But listening alone is not enough…”
Have Big Talks
Big talks between fathers and sons are one of the most important aspects of parenting today. Sex, drugs, consent, and bullying all fall under big topics that need to be addressed at a young age. Gone are the days of waiting until your child is a teenager to have large conversations, as these talks need to start slowly when they’re young and progress as they age.
What’s interesting is that research on father-adolescent conversations has been understudied now that roles have gently shifted, with fathers being more involved, according to 2023 research. Experts agree that the input from fathers to sons through deep conversations needs to be studied further.
Some important things to keep in mind from the study, however, are the importance of fathers in a child’s life.
Big Talks at a Young Age: There are benefits to talking about sexual health early on rather than a single lump-sum conversation. The slow buildup of multiple conversations can lead to safe sex and a deep bond with their parents.
“The Talk” Doesn’t Need to be Negative: As seen in countless movies and books, most “birds and the bees” conversations turn negatively, with unplanned pregnancies and STDs being the main source of the conversation. However, the study mentioned that teens often want to have healthy conversations about sex with their parents, not just the consequences. Teens want to learn more about pleasure, birth control, and correct consent. As a father, talking about the pros and cons of sex with your son is a great way to create trust.
Who is Another Adult Kids Can Go To? One aspect of the study that fathers can learn from is that mothers reported talking with one other trusted adult, who wasn’t a parent, about life’s big things (for comfort). Fathers can tell their sons that if there’s ever a topic they aren’t comfortable discussing with their father, they should find another adult (a teacher, therapist, etc.) they feel comfortable going to for insight.
Since the relationship between fathers and sons is shifting and their communication is limited in studies, it’s more important than ever for fathers to show up, be present, and communicate freely with their sons about life’s big talks.
