On TikTok, a three-year-old is carefully cracking eggs into a pan. Yes, a real pan, on a real stovetop, and he’s actually cooking. The comments are divided: are these parents teaching valuable life lessons, or engaging in child endangerment?
A mom is arrested after her child walks to the store on his own. Government overreach, or protecting a child from neglect in a dangerous world (or both)?
Your children, at various ages, want to attend sleepovers, stay home alone, go to a high school football game, use the microwave, cut up their own meat, and have a pet. How do you decide if they’re old enough, mature enough, safe enough to do it?
The bad news is that there’s no single ‘right’ answer. The good news is there’s plenty of expertise available to help you make the best decision for your child, your family, and your home.
Well-Intended Overprotection Has Negative Effects
Most overprotective parents have the best of intentions. They want their babies to be safe. They want a lifestyle that doesn’t involve emergency room trips for broken limbs, stitches for facial lacerations, and the uncountable horrors we associate with other adults with ill intentions.
So, it’s very tempting to tell our kids “no” to virtually everything with a risk. Let the grownups make the grilled cheese sandwiches; you can go to the park when a parent is available to go with you; you may get a driver’s license when you are an adult; and I want to see those college applications before you seal the envelope.
Recent data published in Child Development, though, shows that kids who are raised with more extreme rules, limits, and controls, and too much ‘helping’ when it’s not necessary, result in higher anxiety levels and the denial of some existential needs.
“According to self-determination theory…three basic psychological needs are essential for psychological well-being: autonomy (experiencing volition), competence (feeling capable), and relatedness (feeling connected to others). When parenting practices restrict opportunities for independent action or signal that adolescents cannot handle difficulties on their own, these needs may be frustrated.”
Specifically, teens in this study experienced heightened fear when imposed upon by unnecessary help.
Previous research, published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy in 2022, found that overprotective parenting, or techniques and styles the authors describe as “intrusive” parenting, could result in schema including more vulnerability to abuse and harm; social isolation; dependence; insufficient self-control; entitlement; and approval-seeking behaviors.
How Do We Know How Protective Is Too Protective?
Most expert advice focuses on gradually allowing your children freedom and responsibility, rather than suddenly.
So, for instance, if you’re trying to find a balance in protecting your child from burns, fires, and unsafe food, while allowing them to learn to provide their own nourishment, maybe you start with supervised use of the microwave and toaster, and gradually work up to using stove burners on their own. With adequate supervision, the early steps will be protected, and with increased familiarity, the later steps will be safer.
The CDC encourages parents to teach independence by giving teens some freedom alongside responsibilities and expectations. That means that maybe they can go to the football game without you, but they are expected to adhere to a curfew, or that you support them in independent hobbies, but also still make time to spend together, so that you stay checked-in with their lives.
Your community, including the parenting norms around you and local laws, will play a role. The American Academy of Pediatrics warns parents to check for legality before allowing a child to stay home alone, for instance.
Then maturity comes into play. Consider how your child handles emergencies or upsetting situations, and what you can likely expect them to do if they’re afraid, bored, or uncertain.
Every Household Will Be Different
It’s a good idea to consider how other parents in your community (which may mean your family group, your child’s school system, or your neighborhood) are choosing to balance protection and independence.
If your child is the only 12-year-old on your block allowed to walk to the park alone, you’re more likely to receive pushback, but if he’s the last kid on the block allowed to cut his own meat, he may feel the pinch of overprotectiveness more heavily, for instance.
However, local norms are only one factor. You’ll also make decisions based on what’s right for your household and your individual child’s needs and abilities.
You may have one child who is allowed to stay home alone at a younger age, and another who still needs extra support in personal hygiene. The important thing is to let their needs and abilities be the primary driver.
Most of all, remember that you can adjust your levels of permissions, protections, responsibilities, and freedoms as often as necessary. These are decisions you’ll make over and over, not just once.
