Every parent snaps eventually. A spilled drink, a sibling squabble or a request ignored for the 10th time can push even a patient caregiver into shouting.
A national survey from 2013 reportedly found about 90 percent of American parents had used harsh verbal discipline at least once.
The shouting isn’t harmless. That study, published in Child Development, tracked 967 adolescents. Those whose parents used harsh verbal discipline at age 13 showed more depressive symptoms and behavior problems a year later.
Parental warmth didn’t cancel it out. Here are eight things parents should do after losing their temper.
1. Calm Down First
Nothing else works until the parent has settled. Deep breaths help. So does stepping out of the room, splashing water on the face or texting a friend.
2. Quiet the Inner Critic
After a blowup, plenty of parents decide they’re failing. Dr. Jazmine suggested answering that voice directly: One bad moment doesn’t make a bad parent, and families recover.
3. See It From Your Child’s Eyes
Anger tends to take over once empathy drops out. What was the child thinking? What were they feeling? Asking brings some compassion back.
4. Own it
Don’t blame the child. The adult is responsible for how they react, she says, no matter what set it off.
5. Apologize
Crouch down to the child’s level, name the feeling and say sorry. Skip the “but.” Tacking it on cancels the apology and hands the blame back to the child.
Parents can add what they wish they’d done instead, like taking a break or eating something first. It shows kids that adults get things wrong, too.
6. Offer Comfort, Then Listen
Offer a hug. If the child doesn’t want one, respect that. Older kids can be asked how the moment felt. That may be hard to hear, but it helps them feel understood. Younger ones often lack the words and that’s fine. A simple comment that they seemed upset can still help.
7. Make a Plan, Then Share It
When things are calm, figure out what sets the parent off and what to do differently, such as walking away or getting a glass of water. Telling the child the plan gives them something to copy.
8. Choose Compassion Over Perfection
“Guilt does not produce change. Self-compassion does,” Dr. Jazmine said.
A 2020 review of 13 trials found that parenting programs with self-compassion components were linked to lower parental stress, anxiety and depression. Nobody gets it right every time. Progress is the goal.
