For Brian Littrell, becoming a dad before his Backstreet Boys bandmates created an unexpected divide. Littrell welcomed his son, Baylee, in 2002, years before the other members became fathers, and he admits that being the first dad “caused a little bit of beef” within the group.
The issue wasn’t that his bandmates didn’t care about him; they simply didn’t understand why Littrell sometimes needed to leave early or get home to his family. Fellow Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson later explained that “we all didn’t get it until we had kids,” adding that the group members were simply experiencing different phases of life at different times.
That experience is familiar to many parents. Having children changes schedules, priorities and available free time, while friends without kids may still have the flexibility to make spontaneous plans.
What It’s Like on the Other Side
For child-free friends, the transition can sometimes feel like losing the person they knew. Today’s Parent describes how friendships can become strained when parents assume their friends can—and should—always work around feeding schedules, bedtimes and family obligations.
One important reminder is that child-free adults have full lives of their own, with careers, relationships, hobbies, responsibilities and sometimes complicated feelings about parenthood. As psychologist Barbara Bresver puts it, “Friendships go through many, many changes over the years,” and having children is simply one of those changes.
That means parents shouldn’t assume a friend without kids doesn’t understand or isn’t interested in their lives. They also shouldn’t expect that friend to automatically accommodate every parenting-related limitation.
How Parents Can Keep the Friendship Alive
The key is treating the friendship as a two-way relationship rather than expecting the child-free friend to fit into the family’s schedule. Motherly recommends being proactive, prioritizing friendships, communicating honestly when things feel different and letting friends know that their relationships still matter.
Parents can also make an effort to talk about something besides their children, schedule regular adults-only time when possible and occasionally accept an invitation that doesn’t revolve around family life. A simple phone call, coffee date or planned night out can help preserve the connection.
Most importantly, parents should resist the temptation to divide the world into “people with kids” and “people without.” Your friends don’t need to become parents to remain important—and you don’t need to stop being a parent to remain the friend they loved in the first place.
