It’s not until someone has kids that they realize how many different parenting styles there are. While most parents are familiar with day-to-day styles, such as helicopter or lawnmower parents, there are also techniques for parents who are no longer in a romantic relationship but continue to raise their children with each other’s views in mind.
Parallel parenting is another parenting style for co-parents. However, unlike civil co-parenting, parallel parenting is great for couples who were in a toxic or combative relationship. Like everything that goes into parenting, there are ways to make the style succeed or flop.
Below, I have curated everything to know about parallel parenting and why so many former couples are choosing this style to raise their children.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
According to the Cleveland Clinic, parallel parenting could be the way to go for parents who want to raise their children in unison without having direct contact with their ex.
“Parallel parenting relies on involvement from all parenting parties, but the parents have little-to-no communication or interaction with one another.”
To ensure parenting is conducted respectfully, promptly, and with care, a third party (such as a judge, therapist, or counselor) joins the communication. The experts assist with everything from daily necessities to big life decisions. Communication that isn’t centered around the children or family is rarely needed or encouraged.
Parallel parenting is solely about the children and about being equal, supportive parties for them. Having a third party facilitate communication between exes helps keep things handled humbly and with minimal negativity, which is important for all parties.
Is Parallel Parenting For You?
Curious if parallel parenting is for you? If you’ve noticed that most conversations with your ex tend to spiral into disagreements or arguments, having a third party to mediate could make both of your lives easier. Talking about things that are centered around your kids shouldn’t be exhausting — working with someone to keep conversations steady or on track could go a long way for your relationship (and parenting style).
Tips to Make Parallel Parenting Victorious:
- Fully embrace this parenting style and lean into it without being combative.
- Love your children more than the disdain you have for the other parent. Again, the result of parallel parenting is doing what’s best for the child without toxic communications.
- Find the right app and professionals for your family.
- Create clear boundaries with each other to keep all communications on what’s best for the children.
- Being separated or divorced means there’s no longer a “we.” Creating independent schedules is important for personal happiness and expectations.
- The children should never be the messengers between parents.
When To Use Parallel Parenting
So, when does a former couple use parallel parenting? Parallel parenting isn’t for everyone. Exes who can communicate amicably, have similar parenting styles, or are more interested in a traditional route would not benefit from parallel parenting. They’re able to work together for the greater good without professional help.
However, couples who are in a toxic or a high-conflict relationship can ultimately benefit from parallel parenting, as it’s effective in coordinating with a mediator to keep structure.
If you find that you can’t have civil conversations with your ex, conclude how to raise your kids, or are in emotional distress, it could be time to try parallel parenting.
What Are The Positives And Negatives To Parallel Parenting?
Like any parenting style, there are pros and cons to parallel parenting. With every couple having different inner workings, it’s wise to try different forms to see what’s best for you and your family.
The Pros of Parallel Parenting:
Stability: Even if the parents are separated, parallel parenting can bring stability to a broken family. Both parents and children learn to have clear boundaries and expectations because the third party leans into those desires. With the new structure, families learn stability during trying times.
Emotional Well-being: It’s hard growing up in a home where the parents are always arguing. Parallel parenting brings emotional well-being because now, the bickering and screaming matches are at a standstill while the parents communicate through third-party apps. With fewer arguments and hostility, kids can focus on their own well-being in a calmer setting.
Civility: Parallel parenting can also lead to a civil future between former partners. Fewer arguments allow things to cool down and focus on the most important topic: their kids
The Negatives of Parallel Parenting:
Parallel Parenting Can Feel Forced: Different parenting styles can be hard to manage in parallel parenting, as it can feel like nothing is accomplished. Even with a mediator, it can be hard to make concessions. However, to make it succeed, both parents need to respect each other’s approach.
A Hard Adjustment: It may be difficult for your child to adjust to his or her parents’ new arrangement. It’s strange for kids to see their parents’ relationship shift from one end of the spectrum to the other. In the long run, however, parallel parenting encourages boundaries, stability, and peace.
The Ins And Outs Of A Parallel Parenting Plan
WebMD shared some insight on crafting the perfect parallel parenting plan. Because the goal is to limit communication between parents to make the transition easier for the kids, the plan needs to be as detailed as possible for the third party.
Some Things To Keep In Mind For A Plan (With the Help of a Mediator):
- Set designated days and times for each parent’s time with the kids
- Transportation times and places need to be chosen.
- Where are you exchanging the kids?
- What happens when cancellations are made or when dates need to be switched?
- Designate which parent has the power in specific situations (medical, athletic, etc…)
- Feeding times and food preferences.
- What to do (and who to contact) in an emergency.
- Calming remedies.
- Developmental milestones or concerns.
- School, sports, and extracurriculars.
- Behavioral issues.
- Which friends are they allowed to spend time with?
The clearer your parenting plan, the easier it will be when hiccups arise. It also makes the third party’s job easier because they know who dictates a particular situation when it’s written out.
When you need to talk to your former partner, send an email or text with a third party attached. Even better, find an app that’s specifically designed for styles like parallel parenting. Remember, the goal is to have clear, civil communication for the child’s betterment.
Apps to Look Into for Parallel Parenting:
Parallel parenting can be as hard or as easy as parents want, but having a mediator involved in communication can lessen the drama and make things easier for the kids.
If you’re thinking of doing parallel parenting, look into the different apps for inspiration and start creating a “dream” plan for your family to compare with your ex.
