There’s advice, and then there’s judgment. Then there’s that weird overlap that may or may not be intentionally judgmental but is framed as advice.
If you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard it. It sounds like someone is interrupting your meal or shopping trip to tell you what you should have done instead regarding your baby’s clothing, feeding, or crying.
Kylie Kelce is so completely over it, and she’s not alone.
Kylie Kelce Weighs In On Advice From Strangers
Kelcie, who was a star athlete in her own right before she married Philadelphia Eagles Center Jason Kelce and was thrust into the spotlight of football wifedom, is now raising four daughters. She still finds time to coach high school field hockey, host a podcast, and work with charitable organizations, somehow.
While her podcast is sports-focused, she also does a fair amount of sharing with the audience about her parenting experiences, and this week, she did the same on Sunday Sports Club Podcast, hosted by Allison Kucharczyk, who is also the wife of an NFL player (Isaac Rochell). Kucharczyk is pregnant, and the conversation shifted to parenting experiences, including Kelce’s reluctance to offer parenting advice.
(She says that the advice that would have helped with any one of her kids would not have suited any other, and that she doesn’t believe her advice would be a one-size-fits-all for any other mom, either.)
Then, the two start discussing unsolicited advice, which is another level. Kelce admits there have been times when she’s been left “feeling like I could fix this really quick with a punch in the face.”
What Kind Of Advice Is She Talking About?
Kelce might say she’s not into giving advice even when asked, but the advice that frustrates her so much, by her description, shares three common elements.
First, it’s from a stranger. Second, it’s unsolicited. Third, it’s entirely unhelpful.
“I think it’s people offering that advice that’s not helpful, right? It’s like the unproductive. It is the socks. It is the hat. It is ‘they shouldn’t be out in this weather,’ things like that where you’re just like, ‘actually, we’re going from the car 10 steps into this Dunkin Donuts, so I can get what mom calls sanity juice, aka a coffee.'”
She describes situations where her kid has already removed multiple pairs of socks in this specific outing, and a random stranger is saying, “Oh, she should have socks on,” or someone who has not replaced the hat on a child’s head fifteen times in the last four minutes is saying, “Why doesn’t she have a hat on?”
The Other Unhelpful Comments
Kelce says that she tries to understand that most people have lighthearted or friendly intentions, but the comments are not needed.
Not all of them are direct advice.
Sometimes, it’s a stranger saying, “Oh, you’ve got your hands full!”
(I’m not offering Kelce any unsolicited advice, but when I was frequently taking three small boys into the grocery store with me at once, I picked up the habit of replying to this one with, “I prefer to say I’ve got my heart full!” Not only is it true, it turns the negativity on its head. My kids don’t need to hear a stranger imply that they’re a burden, even if it wasn’t intended that way.)
Kelce also talks about another favorite input of random strangers: opinions on the genders of one’s children.
There are people who express pity that her husband “never got his boy,” and also weigh in on her oldest daughter’s name.
“People who ask whether or not Wyatt, our oldest’s name, is a family name because they can’t fathom that we chose Wyatt for a girl out of the universe, out of the spectrum of names that we could have chosen for a girl, those people, and the people who say, ‘Are you going to try for a boy?’ Their Venn diagram is a circle…Honestly, it gets to a point where it’s a little weird how bothered you are by us not having a boy, and alsothat you can’t, not me, you, can’t sit comfortably in the idea that we are at peace and comfortable in our all-girl household.”
Unsolicited Advice From Strangers Can Be Wild!
Once, a stranger in the grocery store randomly asked my child if mommy spanks, and then declared that I should, and began rattling off his reasons. Apparently, I’m not the only one who has experienced that! On a Reddit Parenting thread, others shared the most bizarre unsolicited advice they’d ever received from a stranger, and one person’s story was quite similar.
“My child was ringing a bell at a store, you know, the ring for service type. He rang it once, appropriately. Then one more time. I asked him to please stop and explained why. He stopped. Some stranger walking by told me I needed to spank him or he’d walk all over me.”
Others describe being scolded for dressing their child in the ‘wrong’ color for the gender that the stranger (wrongly) assumed the kid was; for buying baby food instead of making their own, and for not slapping their child for being autistic.
Some advice that is still repeated was once accepted parenting wisdom: whiskey on the baby’s gums for teething; cereal added to formula (other than when advised by a pediatrician); and not allowing a cat to “steal the baby’s breath” in the night.
Is It Ever Okay To Give Parenting Advice?
Of course!
Ideally, we offer advice to people who have indicated they want it or are interested in it. This rarely means strangers, though.
Friends, family members, and others who know you well enough to know that your advice comes from a loving place and from experience will often appreciate it when given kindly.
It’s also better to offer advice that can actually be implemented and isn’t thinly-veiled judgment. So, for example, “She needs socks on” isn’t helping anyone, but if your friend says, “I just can’t ever get him to burp,” then “Oh, when I had that problem with mine, I tried this other position and it helped a lot, are you interested?” might. (Especially if you’re willing to take no for an answer!)
Even the most well-intentioned advice can feel like criticism at a vulnerable moment, and everyone’s experiences are different, so only offer advice if you’re comfortable with it being rejected.
