A mom turned to Reddit for advice about her child screeching, and found herself frustrated when the answers seemed to focus on punishing the behavior, rather than helping the child.
She said:
“Screaming/screeching started around 6 months, on and off…now at almost 12 months old it’s daily. He’s obviously using it to express frustration or that he wants something. I know he’s just finding his voice. Just want to know other poeple’ experiences as to how long it usually lasts, and any advice on how to manage myself and my frustration, and if there’s a specific way I should respond to it to improve it.”
She added that elsewhere, she’d been advised to spray the child with water, which she found distasteful.
She’s far from alone. Many of us find that our kids employ an ear-splitting screech that is painful to endure.
My Own Experience With A Screecher
When my daughter was small, but years older than the child whose frustrated parent posted on Reddit, she used a similar screech. She called it “scream[ing] like crazy.”
She would “scream like crazy” when she had to be vaccinated (and front office staff would check that she was all okay because it was genuinely loud and shrill enough to worry them) or if she otherwise got hurt. I used to get so frustrated and was constantly demanding that she stop.
Then we had a house fire. She “screamed like crazy,” waking me up, and when I headed in to tell her to stop that noise in the middle of the night, I saw that the wall was aflame. Thanks to her screeching, everyone left the house alive.
For weeks after, her screaming was the constant topic of conversation as she got a snippet in the local news, and one neighbor called her “hero” every time he saw her.
Bizarrely, that’s actually about the time her screaming stopped. Sometimes, she would even tell me, “[This incident] made me want to scream like crazy, but I told you instead.”
What Was The Significant Change?
In our case, I think that part of it was my daughter maturing enough to use her words in many more scary situations.
At the same time, I believe that a change she witnessed helped. Everyone around her suddenly acknowledged that at least some situations did warrant a “scream like crazy.” I think it helped her create a sense of proportion.
In fact, how it changed how adults treated the behavior seems like the most important factor.
All at once, nobody was treating screaming or screeching as inherently ‘bad’ behavior, but as behavior that had a correct place and time, and we were even explicitly defining what place and time that might be.
The Elements Of Ending Screeching
There seem to be a few factors that bring screeching to a halt.
First, the child needs another way to express the emotion or sentiment. Second, the alternative expression needs to get more attention, or, more to the point, be a more efficient means of getting needs met than the screeching. Third, there should be a safe space and understanding of the need to let the screeches out sometimes.
What that means will vary for every child, depending on their age, developmental level and communication skills, and the environment in which they’re communicating.
Side note: all of this applies to run-of-the-mill screaming. Having your child checked for medical concerns is an important step to ensure there’s not some underlying cause.
Providing Communication Tools
If we’re talking about a toddler or infant, the other means of expression can be the hard part. Babies don’t know a way to communicate other than crying, and even as they get a little older, yelling or crying is still the most reliable way to get the help they need from an adult.
In many cases, baby sign language is an extremely helpful tool. Between 8 and 12 months, your toddler can sign “milk” instead of crying when he’s hungry, and if signing gets immediate attention, he’ll likely learn that it’s a better way to ask for what he needs.
For toddlers, I could not tell you how many times I’ve had a small child approach me, prepare to speak, clearly realize they lacked the relevant words, and be on the verge of a breakdown in their frustration. Holding my hand out and saying “Show me,” has stopped multiple meltdowns, from multiple children, before they ever started.
Help Your Child Substitute The New Communication Method
When your child starts to use the unwanted communication method—the screeching—redirect. Remind them to use their hand gesture, the word you’ve taught, the word leading you to the problem, or the quiet voice—whatever you’ve implemented.
Unfortunately, this may not work if your child is already upset, so you’ll have to use other clues to predict when screeching is imminent. If it’s near nursing time, and your child is fidgety, you can sign ‘milk’ and ask, “Do you want milk? Can you tell Mama, ‘milk?'”
If your child desires to communicate a need, then in most cases, they will form a preference for the means of communication that helps meet that need.
What If The Need Is The Noise?
Sometimes, screeching may be a sensory pleasure for your child. Sometimes, kids need to make loud noises. It’s not about communicating a need; screeching is the need itself.
In those cases, your best option may be to find an appropriate place for the noise or an acceptable time. If possible, allow screaming time in your child’s room, the backyard, or the playground (all where age-appropriate, of course).
If your child is demonstrating a need to scream just for the noise, move him to a safe and appropriate place, and explain: “You can scream here, in your room, for as long as you like. I’ll be in the living room when you’re ready to get back to playing together!”
Most of all, make sure that your child knows you’re listening to him—even if you choose not to listen to the screaming.