You may have heard the term “tiger parenting” pop up recently, but what does it actually mean? And where does it fit alongside the four parenting styles experts usually talk about: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful?
The term was coined by Amy Chua and describes a very strict, high-expectation approach in which parents push their kids hard to succeed, often with little flexibility.
While Chua says tiger parenting is often associated with Chinese households, it’s not limited to any one background, and it’s not without its own set of issues that experts are actively questioning.
So the real question is… do you lean this way as a parent? And if you do, how is it shaping your child and your relationship with them?
What Exactly Is Tiger Parenting?
Chua coined the term in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. But when researchers later compared her claims to broader academic research, they found some important gaps, which they highlighted in Developmental Psychology,
“Amy Chua, a Yale law professor with two daughters, writes about her Chinese heritage and the way in which it has influenced her parenting choices. Her daughters are not allowed to watch TV or play computer games, have sleepovers or play dates, or get any grade less than an A. Chua claims that these strict policies are the reason why her children have been so successful in school and in their music studies and argues that this type of parenting is common in Asian families.”
The problem researchers found isn’t just that Chua’s strict parenting style can have negative effects; it’s that she seems to treat her anecdotal experience as evidence that this style will produce the best results in every family.
How Does Tiger Parenting Compare To Recognized Parenting Styles?
Typically, developmental psychology divides parenting styles into four categories.
Authoritarian parenting involves high demands and low responsiveness (e.g., displays of love and support). Authoritative parenting pairs solid boundaries and expectations with high responsiveness. Permissive parenting has plenty of love and expression of support, but low or no expectations and boundaries. Neglectful parenting pairs a lack of expectations and boundaries with a lack of communication of love and support.
While most parents use a combination of styles, experts generally agree that authoritative parenting has the highest overall success in raising adults who achieve positive outcomes in both their goals and their mental health.
Tiger parenting falls heavily into the authoritarian corner. It’s full of rules, with few reasons other than, perhaps, a “because I said so,” and while it can be done with responsiveness, it’s not inherently very supportive or emotionally present.
It’s these high demands with low responsiveness that developmental psychologists say can be too harsh.
How Tiger Parenting Happens Unintentionally
We all want our kids to be successful. We’d like to see their report cards looking perfect, their schoolwork and chores done, and their rooms clean. We might even hold out high hopes for a masterful skill at some sport, instrument, or academic specialty that will launch them from high school and college straight into successful lives and careers.
That can drive up demand, especially when parents get too focused on outcomes and forget about the child’s well-being along the way.
Tiger parenting can be driven by fear and trauma. We don’t want our kids to suffer and struggle. We’d like to see them in careers that ensure they are never hungry and never worry about whether this month’s bills are paid. Writing for Psychology Today, psychologist Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D compared Chua’s tiger parenting to what she experienced with her own father, who she says demanded to know where the two other points went if she scored a 98 on a test, and always insisted she obtain a Ph.D.:
“His higher education had been cut short by economic circumstances, and his chronic illness meant we relied on my mother’s job as a guidance counselor for our income…I knew that he was afraid of poverty and that he saw higher education as a buffer against that fate.”
For some parents, including many immigrants, it can also be about measuring up, particularly in a world where you are afraid your child will be held back by other people’s prejudices and preconceptions.
What Should Parents Do About It?
If you recognize that your parenting style leans toward tiger tactics, take some time to reflect on your parenting goals.
Is your goal merely that your child has career success, or is she the star of the team, or the master of her instrument? Authoritarian parenting is, developmental psychologists admit, relatively successful at producing children who achieve highly in academics and some other areas.
However, it ranks lower for mental health.
In fact, the only one of the four parenting style categories that has a similar success rate in producing capable adults is authoritative parenting, which is also associated with much better mental health outcomes.
In other words, maintain your high expectations (as long as they aren’t so severe that they’re hurting your kids), but offer higher responsiveness. Listen a little more, show appreciation for what your child does achieve (even if it’s short of your goal for them), and allow them some input on the boundaries and rules they live by.
It only takes a little adjustment to keep your standards within your child’s reach while still being responsive and supportive, but the difference in outcomes can be huge.
