We’ve all heard how damaging social media addiction can be, and some of us have witnessed it with our children. On the other hand, many of us have experienced its positive effects, connecting us with people who share our interests but not our area code and keeping us in contact with loved ones.
When it comes to teenagers whose brains are not yet fully developed and haven’t mastered dopamine regulation, the risks are higher, and the benefits are at least deserving of a little more scrutiny.
Just the same, few of us would respond well if advised to quit our social media first to set the example! So, how should we approach our kids about social media addiction?
Don’t Take It Away (Or At Least, Don’t Start There)
The surest way to prevent someone from listening to you is to start by making the situation combative, which still applies when the other party is a minor.
While many experts advise limiting your child’s screen time, and specifically their access to social media, if your child is already showing signs of addiction to these sites, taking it away is not the first step, Dr. Stuart Ablon says. He’s a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a Harvard Medical School associate professor, so he knows what he’s talking about.
He’s also the driving force behind a new campaign, Your Brain On Social Media, that hopes to help parents understand how social media affects their kids and address it with them.
His most unconventional tip is not to take the apps (or devices) away but to let your kid be part of the solution.
Time The Talk Wisely
You’ve finished cleaning up after supper, sitting in the living room with your spouse, and your child is in his room, using his cell phone or computer. Is this the time to call and sit him down for a big talk? Dr. Ablon says it’s not.
In a tip sheet advising parents, Dr. Ablon says this is a very effective way to put your child on the defensive and make him a less cooperative participant in the conversation.
Instead, he wants you to catch your child in a relaxed moment and suggests talking to them while in motion — in the car, taking a walk, or even playing catch in the yard. As we’ve discussed, car talks are especially great for hard conversations with kids since they don’t have to meet your eyes, and the pressure is lowered.
Conversation Runs Two Ways
An effective conversation with your teenager won’t be one in which you make demands and lay down the law and he listens obediently and occasionally drops a “yes ma’am.”
Instead, Dr. Ablon advises making it a two-way street. Invite your child to express his concerns and points of view.
He says to open with an observation, starting with “I’ve noticed…” or “It seems like…” and then using a question like “What’s up?” or “Can you fill me in?”
Then, the hard part: “Zip it! And let them talk!”
Acknowledge Their Concerns & Feelings
Mirror their concerns back. If your child says, “I’m afraid you’ll take my phone, and I won’t be able to talk to my friends,” then say, “It sounds like your concern is about losing contact with your friends,” or “I’m hearing that keeping in contact with your friends is a priority for you.”
Ask clarifying questions, and reassure them that they’re not in trouble and that you genuinely want to know their feelings and concerns.
He says that at the end of this portion of the conversation, you should feel that you understand your child’s point of view and that everyone should remain calm.
Explain Your Own Concerns
Dr. Albom advises determining these clearly before ever starting the conversation. What outcomes, exactly, are you worried about? He advises:
“If you are having trouble zeroing in on your concern, ask yourself: Is this about my child’s health? Safety? Learning? Impact on others?”
Reiterate that you understand your child’s concern, and express yours. He suggests a format like:
“It seems like [child’s concern] and I’m just worried about [your own concern].”
Before you move on, he wants you and your child to both recognize that there are two concerns on the table, and both are valid and important.
Brainstorm Together — And Let Your Child Go First
Ensure your child understands that you’re interested in a solution that addresses both sets of concerns, and let the teen make the first suggestion(s).
When they offer a solution, they respond, “That’s an idea. Let’s think about it. Would it work for you and me?”
One important point: he says to remember that if the conversation is derailing, you can put it on pause and come back to it later because keeping it calm is one of the keys.
Ultimately, the goal is to keep the conversation open so that your teen feels safe talking to you about what’s going on and about their own concerns.
