John Gottman called it the “magic ratio,” and applied his simple principle to romantic relationships. His idea was that there must be a balance (not an equal one) between positive and negative interactions in a relationship.
Specifically, there should be about 5 positive interactions (a kiss, a hug, a compliment, a shared experience) for every negative interaction (such as criticism, defensiveness, or even eye-rolling). Gottman posited that keeping this balance held relationships together.
Now, experts say it’s a good balance in parenting as well. Here’s how it works.
Gottman Advised Couples To Be Intentional In Interactions — Parents Can Do This Too
It’s so easy to overlook or even take for granted positive constants in our lives. We rarely think about the heater unless it stops working or the bill increases; nobody notices their sinuses until they get a cold.
Unfortunately, we can also get into this habit with people. We may not notice a spouse cooking, doing laundry, or paying the bills until something goes wrong. However, when there’s a conflict—a mess, a mistake, a thoughtless action—we notice it instantly.
That’s why Gottman says we have to be intentional about appreciating our partners and apply this even in moments of conflict. Even in conflict, we can make conscious choices to listen to the other perspective, empathize, and express appreciation. Moreover, we can consciously do these things outside of conflict to strengthen the relationship.
We can get into these habits with our kids, too. Maybe we have a child who always cleans up his toys, but also slams the door, or a teenager whose room is a mess but who is a caring and thoughtful soul. In these cases, parents recognize their obligation to address shortcomings but may miss opportunities to praise the positive (and everyone who has ever been a teenager probably remembers recognizing this about their own adults).
Finding The Positive Interactions
The concept is related to the ‘feedback sandwich,’ in which you offer positive feedback both before and after a correction. (Think, “Son, I appreciate you getting your room clean, but I need you to turn the music down a bit. Oh, and thank you for taking the trash out.”) However, it’s bigger, broader, and more ongoing.
You can foster these positive interactions throughout your day and your child’s life by planning fun activities together, sharing jokes, recognizing when they’ve done well, offering compliments, and genuinely listening to what’s going on in their lives.
Even little things like an apology after you’ve lost your temper, a fist bump at school dropoff, watching a movie together, and a hug are all positive interactions that help forge strong bonds that can weather the negative interactions when they’re necessary.
Keep It Genuine
There’s an important key to the magic ratio.
Experts say that it works not just for romantic relationships, but for human interaction overall. It’s useful for teacher-student relationships, parent-child relationships, and even between coworkers. However, to work well, it must be genuine.
You can’t just squeeze in three half-hearted compliments and two pats on the back, then launch into a tirade about your child’s math grade. Psychology Today explains:
“Now, 5-to-1 doesn’t mean that there are there are these disingenuous statements or praises like “good job, good job, good job”. They could be positive interactions like smiles, hugs, pats on the back. And they’re specific to the child – they’re genuine, coming from the heart.”
This isn’t a lifehack or a sneaky trick. It’s about genuine connection and ensuring your child feels your genuine love all the time.
It’s about building a lasting, strong relationship and building up your child.
Putting This Principle Into Practice
Remember, this isn’t a quick trick to pull out when there’s a problem. It’s a relationship pattern to apply consistently. As one expert told Parenting:
“We want to think about our relationships with our kids as being a little like a bank account, in that we need to be making consistent deposits toward maintaining a strong connection to have room to spare when we need to make withdrawals or in the form of corrections,” adds Nina Kaiser, PhD, a licensed psychologist and founder of PRACTICE San Francisco. “We are all more likely to perform at our best when we feel connected to and appreciated by the people in charge. This is true for us as adults, and it’s also true for our kids.”
In practice, this means considering how our actions express our feelings. When we walk past our toddler acting out a story with her dolls, or see an old photo on our phones of our teen being adorable, or scroll past a meme that makes us think of our kid, instead of basking in that moment alone, we should stop and share that feeling.
We can send an “I appreciate you,” text in the middle of the school day; pick up their favorite snack; take time for a hug or a story, even though we’re very busy; and just generally make sure that all that adoration and affection we feel for our babies is always communicated to them.