Have you seen this recent parenting trend online where parents call out the name “Jessica” during a toddler’s tantrum? They call out the name as if they’re speaking to this imaginary Jessica. What tends to happen is that the toddler is surprised and distracted by this, and they often quit crying or yelling.
Seemingly, this new trend has ended the tantrums. For every parent who has ever endured a toddler tantrum, this seems like a miracle.
Here’s an example:
The question for us is, does the “Where is Jessia” trick really work? And secondly, if so, why? If we dig a little deeper, what’s the reason why this might work for toddlers who are in the midst of a tantrum?
Is Distraction A Quick Fix For Toddler Tantrums?
When my kids were toddlers, I would often find something novel to point out to them or take them outside to see a flower or bug they hadn’t seen before, which often helped pull them out of a tantrum. Research suggests that distraction can be a helpful short-term technique for dealing with toddlers’ tantrums. The main reason it seems to work is that, in the midst of a tantrum, toddlers are completely overwhelmed by emotion, and the distraction interrupts that flood of emotions.
If you’ve ever heard Dr. Dan Siegel’s description of the “upstairs and downstairs brain,” this makes perfect sense. The downstairs brain is what controls the primitive parts of your functioning, like breathing and maintaining your heart rate.
The upstairs brain is the more rational, logical part of your brain. When toddlers are in the midst of a tantrum, the upper brain regions are largely hijacked by the intense emotions they’re experiencing. They don’t have the skills to cope with them effectively, as most adults do. They have a hard time figuring out how to get themselves out of that emotional upheaval. They don’t know the breathing techniques, distractions, or the things we know to help us get out of an emotionally charged moment.
Their downstairs brain is really in charge, and the upstairs brain that controls rationality is not functioning at a very high level. When presented with a distraction that sort of interrupts the overwhelming flood of emotion. It puts their brain onto a new thought, a different idea. It helps in the moment to get them back to a level where their rational brain can kind of eventually come back online.
Is Distraction The Best Strategy For Tantrums?
The bigger question is: should this be your go-to strategy as a toddler’s parent? It’s good to kind of step back and look at the bigger picture of your child’s development. This might work for toddlers for a limited time. I wouldn’t be surprised if you tried this repeatedly and it didn’t work as well. Children are keen observers, and after a few times, they may start to get clued into what is happening. At that point, you might have to come up with a different distraction.
Beyond that, it’s helpful to keep in mind that this is just a temporary solution to a longer-term issue that’s going to keep coming up over the course of your child’s early years. Toddlers do eventually learn how to cope with their emotions better, but it requires more than just distraction.
Consider pairing this distraction with:
- discussing how they felt during the tantrum (once they’re calmed down)
- trying to model and teach different types of coping strategies like deep breathing, physical movement, etc. (especially as they get older)
- teaching them about the language of emotions
Since toddlers don’t have a full grasp of language, they often don’t have the words to express how they’re feeling. Over time, you can help them identify feelings like sadness, anger, and frustration so they can communicate what they’re experiencing. Being able to put words to those emotions is often the first step in learning to regulate them well.
Distraction, like the “Jessica trick,” can be one step in the process, but there needs to be other ways you’re helping your child learn to handle emotions. When you think about big emotions, most of us still have moments when we get very upset and struggle to calm ourselves down. This self-regulation skill is really a lifelong learning process.
Not All Distractions Work The Same
The other thing to keep in mind is that not all distractions are good. Especially in the toddler years, playful, interactive distractions can often help, especially when they’re with a trusted caregiver or parent.
In contrast, a distraction that involves a device or TV is less effective. Some research suggests that consistently using electronic devices as a distraction to end a tantrum may actually prevent children from learning the self-regulation skills they need in the long term. Children who experience this type of distraction tend to show signs of less developed self-regulation skills over time.
While distraction can be helpful, not all distractions are of the same quality or impact on children. Consider trying the “Jessica trick” distraction the next time your toddler has a tantrum, but remember it’s not magic.
