It’s a fairly common parenting experience. Your child comes to you and says, “Mom, I want to tell you a secret, but you can’t tell Dad, okay?” (Or it may be the other way around.)
Now you have a decision to make. If you keep the secret, are you damaging your and your child’s relationship with your partner, and/or putting your child in potential danger? Or, if you don’t, might your child keep things from you both in the future, and if so, could that put them at risk?
It’s never an easy question, but it’s one we need to be prepared for. Here are some of the important considerations for making your decision.
Is This A Secret, A Surprise, Or Privacy?
One blog, Consent Parenting, breaks down the reasons one might keep something from a parent into three categories I thought were pretty perfect.
First, there are secrets. Secrets are risky because predators utilize them. If your child can sneak a piece of candy before supper and keep it a secret, maybe she can also keep secrets about a piece of candy given to her by the man on the playground, which then places her in a dilemma when he invites her to come see his new kitten, just over there out of sight of the other grownups.
Surprises are different. Surprises are sort of like secrets, but you only keep quiet about them temporarily. “Don’t tell Daddy I’m making him a horse from clay for his birthday next week” is entirely different from “Don’t tell Daddy I knocked the remote off the table and broke it,” or “Don’t tell Mommy I had extra screen time.”
Finally, there’s privacy. Privacy is an essential part of autonomy, and the amount a child is allowed increases gradually with age and maturity. A certain amount of privacy is a right, but it must be balanced with safety. For instance, if your child wants to keep a secret that he has a crush on a cartoon character, you might handle that differently from keeping a secret about your child being medicated for a UTI, even if they’re embarrassed about it, because the other parent may need to know to provide care.
Getting On The Same Page As Your Partner
If you believe that your child should be able to keep secrets about crushes and kisses, and the other parent disagrees, the stage is set for clashes. This can be even more pronounced in a co-parenting relationship when the parents are no longer together.
Ideally, every child has two parents who are both safe to share with about body issues, mental health, and other difficulties. In reality, we all know that’s not always the case, and if your child’s other parent isn’t a safe person, you’ll have to make evaluations.
In most households, though, hopefully, two parents can discuss and agree on privacy and limits. For example, maybe you agree that you protect your child’s privacy completely, or perhaps you agree that you say things like, “Susan came to me with a concern about dating today. She asked me not to tell you the details, and I will tell you she’s safe, but I want you to know in case anything comes up.”
You also communicate this to your child. In the above example, you might say, “I want to hear what you’re worried about, but for your safety, I want you to know that I will let your Dad know there’s a concern. I won’t tell him the details unless I either have your permission or if it’s necessary for your well-being.”
There is no perfect balance that will work for every family and every situation, but you can find the balance that works for your family.
How To Talk To Your Child About This
It’s a good idea to have ongoing conversations with your child about secret-keeping and why it’s not a safe behavior.
Your child should know that an adult who asks a child to keep secrets is not a safe adult, but as your child gets old enough to distinguish the difference, they should also be taught that this doesn’t mean Grandma is dangerous when she plans a surprise party.
When a specific situation arises, tell your child the truth. (Don’t promise to keep a secret and then tell your partner anyway!)
You might say, “Since this is about your safety, both your grownups need to know. Let’s talk together about how we’ll share this with your Mom when she gets home,” or “Remember, we don’t keep secrets from Daddy, so we will have to tell him what your teacher said.”
You can offer your child choices, like giving her until bedtime to share with the other parent in her own way, before helping her do it. You can offer to share with the other parent on her behalf. You can also reach out to the other parent in advance to warn them, especially if you think they might need a moment to take in the information before reacting.
The Key Takeaway
Your child is a separate person, and as such, is allowed to keep some things private and to decide who they share some things with.
How much your child is allowed to keep private will depend on their maturity and age, your family’s values, and what is safe. There must always be a balance, because denying necessary privacy can encourage kids to hide things, and too much privacy too soon can allow a child to get into dangerous situations.
Keeping something ‘secret’ from the other parent is always a delicate balance, and whatever standards your family settles on should be understood by all.
If you’re the parent being kept out, try not to take it personally or be offended. Take a moment to reflect on why your child might want to keep a secret — are they afraid of disappointing you, worried about how you’ll react, or ashamed of their behavior? Then, talk to your child and let them know you respect their privacy, but that you will always love them, and you’re available it they do decide to share.