Congratulations! You are a new parent. After all the anticipation and preparation with your partner, there is only smooth sailing ahead, right? Unfortunately, it’s not all that simple.
Most parents enter parenthood with a mixture of anticipation, anxiety, joy, and confusion. What will my child be like? Is sleep deprivation REALLY that bad? How will I balance parenthood and my career? How will this impact me and my identity? Obviously, there are about a million more questions, but these were some of the ones that kept me up at night!
The reality is that all of these questions are relevant. However, most parents don’t ask one important question when raising a child in a couple: how will this impact my relationship?
Let’s Level Set – Parenting Changes A Couple
Many couples assume that having a child will bring them closer together. As a child grows, communication, mutual joy, and excitement about future family plans increase, but new stressors can bring conflict, emotional distance, diminished intimacy, and a sense of isolation from the person with whom you are now raising a child.
A traumatic birth also exacerbates these already predictable declines in relationship satisfaction (Delicate et al, 2022).
Wait, don’t despair! Your relationship isn’t over! This tension is to be expected during the developmental transition into parenthood. Studies show that the majority of couples experience a drop in satisfaction in having a baby (Bogdan et al., 2022).
This shift in relationship satisfaction between two parents is a well-researched and very common pattern that we can view as typical in the first few years of parenthood.
One thing I failed to understand as I became a new parent is that new, very physically and mentally demanding responsibilities would leave little emotional and physical energy to connect outside of interactions with the new baby.
Suddenly, there is no time, and we miss the days when we had time to spend with friends, go out to dinner, and enjoy hobbies with our partner.
The process of redefining the entire structure of your relationship becomes the task for parents in those first few years – on top of raising a baby! How will we divide domestic labor? How will we structure our day? Do we prioritize our own hobbies or seeing friends? How will I take care of myself and my partner?
There is no way to fully prepare for these changes, but knowing what causes conflict to increase can be reassuring and help a couple find ways to manage inevitable tensions as they arise.
What Goes Wrong? Socio-Cultural And Biological Considerations
Couples report increased conflict after having children for a number of reasons, but acknowledging a parent’s overall level of support is imperative.
Social support (friends, parents, extended family), resources (finances, access to food, and potential supplemental care for the baby), and community perspectives on caring for mothers and families with young children (community involvement or disengagement) all have an enormous impact on the level of stress a couple will experience when they have a new baby.
In addition to these factors, the postpartum period for new mothers lasts from 12 to 24 months, but identity shifts can last for years.
Understanding these postpartum phases is important – not just for the person who gave birth, but to their partner and family members as well.
The new physical and emotional stressors on new mothers have been well researched, and specific care by the World Health Organization has been recommended.
Early Parenthood Painpoints In Couples – And What To Do About It
Beyond socio-cultural support, access to resources, and biological changes, the most highly researched issues new parents face are the following: sleep deprivation, inequity in division of mental and physical labor, decreased time and intimacy, communication breakdowns, and identity shifts.
We will explore all of these factors and discuss ways to address them when they arise.
Sleep Deprivation
Sleep Deprivation is extremely painful and feels like a torturous experience. Chronic sleep deprivation impacts our ability to regulate our moods, communicate clearly and effectively, problem solve, and have patience.
A reduced ability to manage pain and discomfort, along with higher demands, can lead to the escalation of conflict and a reduced ability to control our responses to our partner. Recognizing the impact of sleep deprivation can allow parents to make a plan.
There are various strategies to manage sleep deprivation, and each parent may have different needs. Switching off nighttime duties is one common strategy, or requesting support from friends or family to watch a baby through the night so both parents can get some much-needed sleep.
Division Of Mental And Physical Load
Division of mental and physical load has been researched extensively, and the common denominator is that it is unequal. The physical demands of caring for a baby continue to be a gendered task falling to the mother, although research has shown that fathers and partners are taking a more active involvement in raising children, which has benefited the child and the relationship.
Both parents actively planning and anticipating needs in a child’s life can reduce the unequal division of mental load that typically falls on the primary caretaker. Write out all responsibilities and agree on how to divide them.
No assumptions that the partner who is doing the primary caretaking of the baby will manage everything! Demonstrating appreciation for the mental and physical load a parent is carrying is also important to maintaining respect in a couple.
Decreased Time and Intimacy
Decreased time and intimacy in a relationship are one of the main changes after a baby. This change can cause tremendous dissatisfaction, as reported by Drs. John and Judy Gottman. We might wonder if the feelings of closeness will ever return! Reduced responsiveness and intimacy from a partner can feel lonely and isolating.
Placing blame, shame, or expectation on a partner for lack of closeness and intimacy will be a sure-fire way to increase conflict and feel more alone. Instead, name the feeling directly of missing closeness to your partner, and highlight ways to feel close that are within each partner’s physical and emotional capacity.
This will increase trust and understanding during a challenging transition. Prioritizing small moments together, such as going for a walk, having a date night at home, or even increasing eye contact and appreciation, can help to build intimacy.
Communication Breakdown
Communication breakdowns are predictable after having a baby. There’s no time! Negative communication patterns arise from the above factors, as well as the logistical issue of simply not having time to focus on communication.
The focus of couples turns from “us” to “child”, and previous attachment and communication challenges may become exacerbated after having a baby (Murrey-Perdue, 2023). While this is part of the transition into parenthood, the pendulum needs to swing back to find a new balance in which parents can connect on topics beyond the baby.
Scheduling regular, short check-ins (think, 10-15 minutes) about overall worries, challenges, and also what is going well. This is a way to prevent these communication breakdowns.
Loss Of Identity – As An Individual And A Couple
Last but not least, the loss of identity can increase conflict between new parents. Suddenly, a couple who used to prioritize their personal interests and shared experiences become co-workers sharing a space with a very fussy and demanding boss.
This identity transformation can last years after giving birth, so adjusting expectations of your partner is crucial (Piotrowski et al 2024), . Approaching your partner with curiosity and openness during this phase is the first step.
They will begin to develop new priorities, new interests, and new ways of being in the world with family and friends. Continue learning about who your partner is, and give each other space to grow and change.
You aren’t losing your partner – you are getting to know a whole new side of them, and it may bring you closer together as a couple.
Final Thoughts – There Is Hope!
Good news – this phase is predictable and preventable long term (Doss et al, 2009). Developmental transitions all come with joys, as well as painful growth.
Remember – you are operating on a team with your partner! You are there for each other to support this transition. Asking yourselves, “How do we solve this together?” and seeking support before it’s needed can prevent more severe breakdowns in intimacy and communication.
Taking care of yourselves as individuals and as parents does not detract from caring for your child. It is one of the most important parts.