There comes a time in every parent’s life when their toddler is inconsolable. They’re melting down over something minuscule, and nothing is taming the beast. Words of encouragement or time alone aren’t working, so what do you do? You tell your child to “calm down” and that “it’s not that big of a deal.” Unsurprisingly, telling your child to calm down doesn’t work. In fact, it escalates the situation. Now, their meltdown has multiplied, and you have to change gears to bring peace back to your home.
Ironically, many adults agree that being told to calm down during big emotions doesn’t help them solve their issues, so we adults can’t blame kids when the phrase doesn’t work for them. Parents don’t mean harm when telling their child to calm down. It’s a quick, automated response. However, experts agree that there are more progressive things to say instead.
Saying “Calm Down” Doesn’t Work
To preface, you’re not a bad parent if you’ve told your child to “calm down” or “stop crying” during one of their hard moments. You’re thinking quickly in a tense situation, and of course, you don’t want your child to be upset. However, as experts have found, telling your child to calm down doesn’t work; there are better options.
Why It Doesn’t Work
Dr. Ashley Soderlund at the American Society for the Positive Care of Children explained that since your child most likely doesn’t fully understand their emotions or why they’re feeling a certain way, being told to calm down or stop crying can be incredibly confusing for them. “… developmentally, they have limited ability to be able to physically and cognitively calm down,” Dr. Soderlund shared.
Ironically, telling your child to stop crying or to calm down could actually make their meltdown escalate. Kids get the sense that their emotions are making their parents uncomfortable.
“Saying ‘calm down’ or ‘stop crying’ could also have the opposite effect, and some children will cry harder or scream louder in an effort to communicate their feelings.”
Children can feel dismissed by their parents if their emotions aren’t heard or validated. Over time, kids may suppress their emotions because they know their parents tell them to “stop” feeling what is perfectly acceptable to feel.
Suppressing emotions can lead to:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Weakened immune system
- Dysregulation
- Behavioral issues
- and more
Parents have good intentions when trying to soothe their child. Knowing that saying “calm down” or “stop crying” creates more harm than good, what are some things parents can say or do instead to minimize meltdowns and create a healthy nervous system?
Here’s What Works, According To Experts
Experts remind parents that allowing their kids to release their emotions is a good thing. Even feeling negative emotions like jealousy or anger is encouraged. Releasing those emotions helps kids and their parents understand how they truly feel about something.
Children need to feel validated or heard when they’re releasing their emotions — no matter how big or small.
Hugs: Dr. Soderlund shared that asking a child if they need a hug during a tense outburst shows them that emotions can be “worked through” and offers the physical and emotional benefits of a hug. Likewise, experts at First5 California explained how hugs improve a child’s nervous system. Hugging them during trying times doesn’t give in to their poor behavior; rather, it lets them know they’re still loved during big emotions.
Validation: Children often act out without fully understanding why they’re so upset. Instead of hushing them or telling them not to cry, validate their emotions. Even during poor behavioral moments, you can still properly acknowledge their actions while validating their emotions. Margaret Areizaga, PsyD. explained the emotional benefit of validating your children. “When we validate the feelings of others, we put ourselves in their shoes to understand their emotional experience and accept it as real.” Reaffirming that what they’re feeling is real allows them to work through it rather than being told to suppress it.
Example: “Would you like a hug? I understand you’re upset because you don’t want to leave the zoo. I know you had a great time, and it’s hard to leave. Can you take deep breaths and pretend to blow out a candle with me?”
Patience: Jess VanderWier, MA, RP, shared her three-step approach to tantrums and meltdowns, including patience or “waiting.” Sometimes saying too many words when your child is upset can escalate the situation. Ms. VanderWier suggests waiting in silence until they quiet down. “I like to wait in silence with my child instead of adding extra words. I focus on my presence and body language over the words that I use.” By staying calm in a tense situation, they are learning to regulate their emotions. They will learn how to handle big feelings by mirroring how their parents respond.
Connection: At the end of the day, children want to feel love and be protected by their parents. Validating their experience and letting them know that you’re not going anywhere during their hard times can go a long way. Along with offering a hug at the end of their tantrum, you can also ask them how you can make things better.
Listening, validating, and connecting are all it takes to slowly build your child’s confidence, nervous system, and self-regulation. Stay calm and be a safe presence for your kids. While telling your child to “calm down” may be the easier route, forming a deep connection during those big feelings will go a long way.
