Being a single parent isn’t easy. Still, some women are concluding that it’s their best option.
There have always been parents who realized their partner (regardless of gender) wasn’t willing or able to participate actively and elected to take full responsibility alone, but the current phenomenon is different.
These women have chosen to have a baby without any partner at all, and are parenting solo by choice from day one.
Partnerless Pregnancy, By Choice
Single women say they’re utilizing resources like sperm donors and IVF so that they can have a child even if they’re not currently in, or have no intention of being in a relationship.
In some cases, these women explain that age is a factor. One woman, identified only by her first name, Michelle, said that she had ended a relationship with a partner who was ambivalent about being a parent. Because she was 38, she felt that it was time to act. According to the BBC, she said:
“When that relationship ended, I felt like ‘I’m 38 now, I don’t really have time to find a person and allow that relationship to develop in a natural way.'”
The alternative was a donor and a medical procedure, followed by single motherhood.
Michelle is far from the only mom making this decision.
While a majority of American women in a recent survey say they’re actively avoiding pregnancy right now, there are plenty of women making the opposite choice, even if they have to do it by themselves.
No Regrets — These Moms Share The Best Parts Of Single Parenting
They call themselves Single Mothers by Choice, or SMC.
These moms don’t deny that not having a co-parent to share the load comes with difficulties, like never being able to trade off school pickup or nighttime feedings or dealing with illness. It’s always their turn.
They also acknowledge that there’s an extra conversation they have to have with their kids, which many other parents don’t face, the one when their child wonders why her friends have a daddy, and she doesn’t.
Still, they see a lot of bright sides. SMCs told Parents magazine that they appreciate such little perks as not having to compromise their parenting ideals with a person who disagrees and not having to juggle a relationship with a partner while also managing their own life and their child’s needs.
One fertility doula, Sarah Kowalski, who is an SMC and works with others in their process, says that most tell her their only regret is not making the decision sooner.
How Common Is Being A Single Mother By Choice?
There are currently no great overall statistics to identify precisely how many women are choosing single parenthood in the U.S. or worldwide, and no longitudinal studies to examine the outcomes as their kids reach adulthood or whether those kids are likely to make the same choice
However, some initial statistics are beginning to surface, and the Single Mothers by Choice organization — formed to offer community and support for these moms — has shared some of what they’ve been able to gather so far.
They’ve learned that one company, Cryos’ Sperm and Egg Bank, says that more than half their customers are SMC, most over the age of 35. Moreover, about 11% of these women already have at least one child, and in many cases (about a third), their older child was also donor-conceived, which seems to affirm that they’re happy with their decisions.
(As for numbers, there are thousands of women in online support groups for SMCs — 16k in the most prominent group I could find, more than 4k in a group for women still trying, 2.5k in a group just for Canadian SMCs, more than 7k in a group devoted explicitly to IVF/IUI SMCs, about 1.5k in a group just for SMCs who are also POC, and so on. Even figuring for overlap, that’s likely tens of thousands, and that’s still only the SMCs who join Facebook support groups.)
What Should A Potential SMC Consider?
The Single Mothers by Choice organization says that the biggest factor in success is a support system.
You don’t have to have a spouse to raise a child, but having some help, whether it’s your parents, friends, neighbors, or siblings, makes a difference. Parenting doesn’t come with many breaks, and having someone who will hold a bottle while you shower or drive your child to ballet practice when you’re ill does make things go more smoothly.
Another consideration is the cost, especially since it can take multiple rounds of treatment to achieve a viable pregnancy. If there are complications during the pregnancy, there’s no second income to supplement household needs or a second income during maternity leave. Before leaping into single motherhood, planning financial resources is a good idea.
