It’s December, and we’re all excited for the movie marathons.
We’re going to watch both versions of Miracle on 34th Street, have a friendly family debate about which version of A Christmas Carol is the best (I like the one with muppets), discuss yet again how Home Alone makes me want to buy the Lego kit for that house (and the sticker shock every year when I look it up), and pretty much have movie night every night.
I have one kid who probably won’t participate, other than a select few favorites, and even then may not stick around for the whole movie.
Dr. Becky just helped me understand why.
Deeply Feeling Kids
Dr. Becky Kennedy is a psychologist who founded an organization called Good Inside to help parents navigate behaviors that can be frustrating and confusing.
She’s constantly doling out these helpful little tidbits through her social media pages, especially TikTok, and one topic she returns to frequently is kids, which she refers to as “deeply feeling.”
Those of us whose kids fit the description will see it. They’re the kids whose anxiety over the field trip might actually be severe enough to keep them home, the kids whose day is genuinely ruined by dropping their bowl of popcorn, and often, the kids who won’t try new foods, are kept awake at night by fears, and whose parents may be at their wit’s end.
It’s honestly a beautiful reframing- the wording reminds us as parents that our kids‘ behavior isn’t something they’re doing to us; it’s a communication of their own struggles.
As it turns out, it could also be why some of them won’t watch movies.
Family Movie Night With A Deeply Feeling Kid
We call my son and ask him to join us for Home Alone.
I’ve seen what he watches on YouTube, and I have every expectation that he’ll laugh out loud (as we did in 1990 when it was new) at the pratfalls and blunders of those incredibly inept burglars.
Instead, very early in the movie, as Kevin McAllister’s older brother Buzz torments him about the pizza he wanted (“He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and…”) my son gets up and quietly leaves the room. He comes back in time to catch one of the scenes where the burglars get hurt — I believe it was the paint cans to the face on the stairs — and this time, he gets genuinely upset.
He tells us, “That’s horrible, I can’t watch this.”
And, okay, on reflection, yes, the booby traps are pretty terrible, and I would never wish those fates on any real person. The viewing experience, though, isn’t supposed to be about the genuine brutality, so much as it’s about how a child felt alone and helpless, and took control of his own situation and felt empowered.
We don’t thrill at the movie because we think Joe Pesci deserves to be burned by blowtorches, but because we remember feeling powerless and wishing we didn’t.
This is why I was so completely confused at my kid’s reaction when we introduced the movie two Christmases ago, and even though he’s watched it with us since, it’s remained on my mind.
Dr. Becky Explains How Movies Feel To Some Kids
Here’s what I wasn’t understanding, even after discussing it with my child.
These kids, these deeply feeling kids, so many of their choices every day revolve around protecting themselves from the experiences that are overwhelming to them. When you think of it in those terms, it makes sense that they like to eat the same foods over and over, wear their headphones in the restaurant, and keep a light on at bedtime.
Some of my son’s experiences are pretty familiar to me, and I empathize with all of this, but I never thought to apply it to movies.
Dr. Becky did.
She says that many deeply feeling kids will avoid watching new (to them) movies or will stick with movies the parent deems too ‘babyish’ for their age. Why?
“This ‘I won’t watch a movie’ tendency is very common with deeply feeling kids…They actually do feel things more intensely. They also are kids who like to feel in control…A movie is a situation where something might happen that surprises you [or] scares you.Something might happen on that screen all of a sudden that overwhelms you. So deeply feeling kids tens not to watch a movie…because they’re trying to protect themselves.”
Watch Dr. Becky’s Full Explanation
Below, you can check out Dr. Becky’s TikTok video and see if it strikes a familiar chord with you, as it did for me.
Is this your child she’s describing? Can you relate to the experience when she frames it this way? (I could.)
What Can Parents Do?
Here’s what I plan to take away from this revelation.
First, I will ensure my kid is invited to pick the movies a little more often. (It’s really easy as parents to fall into the trap of “Oh, this is the best movie ever; our kids need the experience of seeing this,” and honestly, it’s not that important.)
If that means that we watch one particular Grinch movie twice this year and miss Home Alone altogether or two movies in one night so that he can watch one with us and then slip out to do his own thing, that’s fine.
Second, if we are watching a movie he hasn’t seen before, I will pull him aside and ask if a plot synopsis and warnings of any major events would make him more interested.
Most importantly, we all need to remember that our kids do not have to repeat our favorite childhood nostalgic experiences to have their amazing childhood. If they don’t like the movie we’ve determined is absolutely emblematic of Christmas, that’s okay.