Do parents really pick a “favorite” child?
Well, some certainly do, and kids probably think their parents have a favorite more often than it’s true. Pick a family with two grown kids and ask each kid separately who their parents’ favorite was growing up; they both likely point to their sibling.
Still, every human is subject to unconscious biases, and a new study has found a few factors that seem to weigh heavily.
Gender Is One Factor That Surfaced (Albeit Small)
The study only examined which children tended to be favored, not the reasons, so it’s unclear why parents favor girls over boys.
Maybe it’s social conditioning of beliefs about girls being smaller and weaker and needing more protection.
Perhaps it’s because clothes shopping for baby girls can often have so much more variety and options, and there’s a longstanding standard that they’re the ones whose hair you can braid and pin up in cute ways.
Maybe it’s because of ingrained social norms describing girls as “cute” and “sweet” and boys as “rough” and “wild.” (Even people who don’t consciously buy into those pervasive stereotypes may be affected by them unconsciously!)
Also, it’s important to note that the reporting on gender was inconsistent — parents reported favoring daughters, but children did not report experiencing favorable or disfavorable treatment based on gender.
Personality Is A Factor, Too
Another factor that surfaced was personality, specifically conscientiousness and agreeableness.
The study found that kids who showed an innate drive to do what is ‘right,’ to be fair and kind and to do as they are directed tend to have fewer negative interactions with parents. Those who tested with high levels of agreeableness also tended to be favored by parents.
It’s not hard to understand where these associations would come from, although it does suggest that parents of kids seen as disagreeable or less conscientious should probably take some time to examine their end of interactions since this could quickly become a self-perpetuating cycle.
Notably, neuroticism was another trait examined, but researchers did not find that it affected parents’ treatment of a child.
Birth Order (This One Will Start Sibling Fights)
The study found some correlation with birth order but deemed it too inconsistent to draw concrete conclusions. The researchers noted that there are so many factors in birth order — it’s not just whether you were the oldest, youngest, or middle child, but may be affected by the size of the age gap, genders, and other factors.
The study used two models, and in the first, they found that parents tend to favor their younger children. The second examined parenting together rather than individually and found that parents seemed more likely to favor older children when combined. When it came to giving more autonomy and exerting less control, specifically, researchers found that older children were favored.
Honestly, the best conclusion to draw from this is probably that kids get different treatments based on birth order, and which treatment is ‘favorable’ may be in the eye of the beholder.
What Can We Conclude?
Researchers concluded that some kids might receive favorable treatment as a result of being ‘easier’ to parent but didn’t draw concrete conclusions for other factors.
Results did suggest girls are slightly favored, but this is perceived only by parents, not the kids, and that it’s only by a small amount. They also note this may come partly from girls being perceived as ‘easier’ to parent, citing previous studies examining differences in parenting by child gender.
Finally, they see some differences in parenting by birth order. Still, those differences vary depending on the model used to define favorable treatment, with younger kids coming out on top in some measures and older kids in others.
What Should Parents Take From This?
Every parent of two or more kids can examine their own biases and preferences.
Do you treat one kid differently than the others? Is that difference something that would be seen as favorable treatment? Do you feel differently about your children depending on their gender, personality, or birth order?
Then, implement that information in how you treat your kids in the future. Even if it’s necessary to treat one child differently in some ways to meet different needs, you can make a conscious effort to balance that with extra time or attention to the others.
The report isn’t a condemnation of parenting, it’s an opportunity for parents to double-check and make sure our parenting is what we want it to be.