A former Child Protective Services worker turned to TikTok to share the ten big rules she has implemented into her parenting based on her experience.
Her rules highlight the differences between public perception of child sexual abuse (CSA) and the reality, which is that most such abuse comes from people who are known to the family and trusted, not from strangers.
Several also center around open conversation and trust between parents and kids, and others are simply about safety overall.
Protecting Kids From Other Adults
Not every adult has your kid’s best interests in mind. If you work for CPS, in law enforcement, or in other capacities that sometimes encounter the worst things humans do to other humans, this colors your experience.
The first four rules of this former CPS worker pertain specifically to this.
- No sleepovers, ever
- No keeping secrets
- No devices without supervision or parental controls
- No being left alone with any adult the parent doesn’t fully trust
The ‘no sleepovers’ rule is becoming more common, and many parents from older generations have extreme feelings about it, one way or the other, either because they have such fond memories of their own sleepover experiences, or because they have such dark memories.
Teaching kids not to keep secrets is a good way to protect them against other adults exploiting them, since they know that statements like “this is our little secret” and “don’t tell your mom” are big red flags.
Every parent will make their own choices about the exact type of supervision their kids need on devices. Still, the recent news about a global organization working together to exploit children emphasizes how important it is to set those standards and keep a close eye on our kids’ safety online.
Then, of course, about leaving kids with other adults, there’s an emphasis on the fact that in many cases, the most dangerous people are those who do ingratiate themselves and work themselves close to your family. They might be family members, coaches, teachers, or religious leaders. Recent statistics show that three out of every four teens who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well and trusted, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime.
Bodily Autonomy & Mental Health Safety
Some of her rules help protect children into adulthood and lifelong relationships, with others and with themselves, because they’re calculated to teach the child how to protect their own autonomy and mental health.
- No forcing kids to kiss, hug, or touch against their will
- No stigmatizing mental health or feelings, no hiding feelings
Many of us grew up with the understanding that we were to “come give [family member] a kiss!” or “come love [family member]’s neck!” whether or not we felt safe and comfortable with that family member. In too many cases, adults have shared that the family member they were forced to hug, kiss, or snuggle as a child was also the one abusing them in secret.
Even if every person in a child’s life is safe, forced displays of affection can train a child into an adult who doesn’t feel they have the right to refuse physical affection, and doesn’t know how to deal with a partner, a boss, or a stranger who takes physical liberties.
This rule teaches children from a young age that their bodies belong to them and that they have the right to protect them.
Also, teaching kids that it’s okay to say, “I feel sad,” “What you said hurt my feelings,” or “I feel anxious and I don’t know why” means raising kids who understand their feelings and can learn healthy ways to handle them.
General Safety Rules
Some of the former CPS workers’ rules center around keeping kids physically safe, and around situations that may not be clear-cut or certain.
She says she would never allow her child to do the following:
- Ride in a car without a proper car seat that’s correctly installed
- Be disciplined by another adult without the parent first knowing that the adult shares their values
- Anything that goes against her gut feeling
Carseats are a big deal, and state laws can lag far behind safety recommendations. The National Safety Council reports that 599 kids died in car crashes in 2022, with nearly a third unrestrained and many more improperly restrained.
As for discipline, this former CPS worker recognizes that research shows corporal punishment is harmful to kids, and she will not allow anyone who contradicts her beliefs to be in charge of discipline.
The ‘gut feeling’ is a big one, too. As a parent, so many moments come up that you’ve never considered or planned for specifically, whether it’s waiting at the bus stop without a parent, joining an extracurricular activity, or the age at which your child is allowed to go into a store alone to purchase by himself. For these, the gut feeling comes into play, and that feeling may be based on hundreds of little things we’ve picked up subconsciously, that we’re not aware of, but that influence our sense of safety.
In Her Own Words
Below, you can check out this former CPS worker’s parenting rules. She explains exactly why she implements each rule and what it means in her house.
Side note: In the comments, she clarified that when she says she doesn’t believe in ‘gentle parenting,’ what she’s describing is more like permissive parenting. She clarifies that she believes in authoritative parenting and that she (like most of us) uses a mix of parenting styles depending on what seems right for the situation.