Most of us can remember a time we were disappointed with a gift, or with the overall holiday experience.
Maybe it was the time that a relative spent the entire holiday visit making inappropriate comments about your weight, or maybe it was because your gifts were clearly intended for an entirely different age range or interest set.
Even for adults, these situations can bring about intense feelings, so how do we teach our kids to handle this kind of disappointment maturely and appropriately?
Teach Kids That Gratitude And Disappointment Can Coexist
Your child can be, at the same time, entirely grateful that her well-meaning aunt thought enough of her to buy her a gift and entirely disappointed and frustrated that the gift was a Santa sweater a size too small that will already be out of season by the time it can be exchanged.
Kids should be assured that it’s okay to feel disappointment and that they aren’t (necessarily) entitled or unappreciative for having those feelings.
In the moment, the difficulty may be with balancing those two emotions. Disappointment can be overwhelming, so teaching your kids how to be gracious through that disappointment is okay.
Let them know that a “thank you” is always appropriate, even if they don’t like the gift, and that things can always be exchanged later if they’re not an appropriate choice.
Acknowledge Their Disappointment
Whether it was a gift from a distant relative, Santa, or yourself, pull your child aside and empathize.
Kids need their feelings to be acknowledged, and it can help to hear, “I understand you’re disappointed that you didn’t get the game you wanted,” or “It feels so bad when you were excited about something and it goes wrong.”
These are valid feelings; they don’t mean your child is being bratty or misbehaving. Even adults can feel sad when a wanted gift doesn’t show up or a received gift doesn’t work right. (In our house this year, a stand mixer came out of the box malfunctioning.)
Reassure your child that those feelings are valid, and help them consider the next steps. Depending on the disappointment, that may mean planning to exchange the item or focusing on enjoyment of other gifts.
Listen to their proposed solutions before offering any of your own.
Setting Expectations At Appropriate Levels In Advance
Movies, cartoons, and popular culture inspire our kids to expect Christmas miracles.
Even if Mom and Dad can’t afford the bike, game console, or other big-ticket item, our kids may hold out hope that Santa and his elves will come through.
Families handle this in a variety of ways. Some have the ‘Santa talk’ earlier than they had intended, and others explain that Santa has a budget limit or that elves can’t make video game systems for copyright reasons.
However you choose to explain it to your child, if the one gift he’s obsessed with is absolutely off the table this year, it’s a good idea to break the news before Christmas instead of creating a situation for a big letdown on Christmas morning.
SavvyMom advises parents to help their kids focus on time spent together and fun activities and divert the focus of Christmas away from the material gifts. If it’s a year when funds are shorter than usual, try to include more activities like snowball fights, family movies, or caroling.
Manage Your Own Expectations, Too
Your child went to bed with visions of that one big exciting gift (the one he didn’t get). You went to bed with visions of your kids loving their gifts.
You may both be disappointed, but as an adult, you can temper those expectations and show your child an example of handling it with grace. If your child isn’t handling things well, you can step back, take a deep breath, and manage your disappointment. MyParentToolkit recommends:
“Well, if you find yourself reacting to your child’s disappointment, then the first thing you need to do is to take some time for yourself to temper your response. Take a deep breath, say a mantra to yourself (such as “My child is disappointed and that’s okay, I have to help them through that.”). Remind yourself that kids have strong emotions too, and that’s okay.”
The Post-Christmas Letdown
Even kids who got everything they wanted for Christmas may show some behaviors in the week after that, making parents fear they’re raising people who will be spoiled, ungrateful, and demanding.
Our kids have just spent weeks watching ads tell them everything they should want, collecting fliers and catalogs in the mail that send the same message, and discussing their wish lists with school friends. Suddenly, the ‘getting’ phase happened, typically all in a matter of hours, and they may not switch gears quite as quickly as we’d like.
(I’m willing to bet I’m not the only parent who has ever heard, “Next Christmas, I’m asking Santa for….” by the end of December 26th.)
Again, parents can take a deep breath and try not to worry too much. Sometimes, it’s not easy for kids to shift from all that anticipation into the post-gift time.
Now, it’s time for parents to make the shift, first, into a long-term plan.
Start talking to your kids about gratitude and the wonderful things they have. These can include material possessions but shouldn’t be limited to those. Focus on loving family members, caring friends, skills, and opportunities they can appreciate year-round.
