Having the sex talk is one of those uncomfortable conversations that’s inevitable as a parent. As the mother of two girls, I was thinking about how I would have the birds-and-the-bees talk and could feel myself getting uncomfortable thinking about it, but why? Why is intercourse such an awkward thing to talk about with teens when it’s something that’s also very “normal” in adulthood? I also realized, if I was uncomfortable with the thought of talking about sex with my kids, imagine how they’d feel.
Planned Parenthood shared that 82% of parents talk to their kids about sex, but only between 60% to 74% of parents talk to their kids about tougher subjects around sex, like birth control and consent.
Sex is just an umbrella for many different avenues of puberty and adulthood, but it’s a topic that needs to be discussed before your kids become teens. Sex can shape a child’s view of intimacy and relationships, and conversing about morals and safe behaviors can assist with this major part about adulthood.
Multiple experts have chimed in with advice on how to have the “birds and bees” conversation with your kids. From open and honest conversations to being an approachable parent, here’s some strong advice for when you’re ready to have “the talk.”
First Things First: What Is Sexual Intercourse?
Understanding how sexual intercourse is defined may help your delivery with your kids. Sex can be defined in a few different ways, especially depending on who you speak with. Another tricky part of parenting is that kids today use numerous slang terms for official things, so it’s important to talk about the correct anatomical terms before diving into the slang they use between friends or at school.
Different Forms of Sex to Talk About:
- Vaginal: Vaginal intercourse is when a penis enters the vagina.
- Oral: Oral sex is contact between the mouth and genitalia.
- Anal: Anal is when a penis enters the anus.
- Masturbation: Masturbation is self-pleasure while touching yourself or another person.
With different kinds of intimacy, it’s wise to touch base on the different forms of sex during your conversation with your child. A large reason is that teens may try different forms of sex before attempting intercourse. Understanding the risks involved with different forms of sex can help their mindset when that time comes.
Become An “Askable Parent”
Experts at the American Sexual Health Association agree that parents should become an “askable parent” when important conversations around sex arise. Talking about sex early in a safe and open environment can shape a kid’s relationship with sex.
In terms of being an approachable parent, experts say to ask yourself, “Does my child feel comfortable coming to me and talking about sex?” If the answer is no, ask yourself why. What can you alter about your parenting style to become more approachable?
Some Examples of Being an Askable Parent:
- Don’t laugh at your child when they have awkward or serious questions disguised as cute or silly. Take your child’s curiosity seriously and use it as a teachable moment.
- Love, listen, and respect your child as they enter different phases and seasons of life.
- Admit your own shortcomings and mistakes, and don’t be too proud to apologize when you make one.
- Communicate regularly, ask questions, and respect your child’s boundaries if they’re not ready to have conversations.
The ASHA experts say that sex and intimacy should be short conversations leading up to young adulthood. Take low-pressure moments during the day to have these kinds of conversations, like in the car, on walks, while eating, or when watching TV or reading a book.
An Expert’s Example from the American Sexual Health Association: “Parents who are uncomfortable talking about sexual health may find it helpful to plan what they will say and how they might answer their child’s questions. When your child asks a question or does something that triggers a teachable moment, first make sure you know what the child is asking … Keep it short, simple and age appropriate—you don’t need to offer more information than your child wants or needs to know.”
Tip: A great way to start this series of conversations is by asking how much about sex, relationships, and intimacy your child knows. Has sex been touched on in their favorite movie or book? Are their friends in relationships? Be an observant parent and find open areas to dissect without it being out of left field.
Have A Shame-Free Conversation
Shame around sex and sexual health isn’t a natural feeling; it’s generally learned from the media, cultural lessons, past trauma, and family structures. Sometimes, people are shamed into thinking sex is bad, or there’s a double standard between men and women in a shared space. Putting these cultural stigmas aside, having a shame-free household is imperative to a safe and healthy outlook on sex and relationships.
Pediatrian and award-winning author, Cara Natterson, M.D., reminded parents that every child will inevitably go through puberty, and it’s important to have shame-free conversations around sex, body language, and healthy relationships. Your child may eventually go to you on their own with sex-related questions, and if you don’t answer them, they’ll unfortunately go and find the answer elsewhere.
Being an open parent and allowing shame-free conversations around sex and relationships allows open dialogue, trust, and the option for more information when they’re ready. No question is too silly, and no scenario is off the table. Information around such sensitive topics should come from the parents and not hearsay.
An Expert’s Example from Dr. Natterson: “My mantra is talk early, talk often, talk about everything. But not all at once… We can’t just sit down and dump information on our kids because that’s a lecture, and it’s too much. Every day offers teachable moments: You might be watching a show together and press pause. You might hear a story about something that happened at school or on the field. It’s never too early to start these conversations.”
Start The Conversation Young
Experts agree that if you wait until your child is a teenager to talk about sex and sexual health, it’s too late. Shying away or avoiding the conversation is a thing of the past. Children need accurate information from a safe, trusted adult from a young age.
No, the act of sex doesn’t need to be discussed with children, but acknowledgment of our body parts and respecting other people’s bodies is a start to deeper conversations down the line.
Motherly offers an age-appropriate guide to talk about sex, and it can start as young as preschool.
- Preschool: Teach them about male and female body parts and how to respect others’ body parts.
- Elementary: Elementary school-aged children are ready to learn about conception and how babies are made.
- Middle School: Focus on puberty and changing hormones in both men and women. Talk about having feelings for another person and what that may look like.
- High School: At this age, your kids may be more comfortable talking to their friends instead of you. Be an active listener and observer around your teen. Ask them what they know about sex, and ask if they have any questions. If they’re comfortable, you can talk about different forms of birth control and sexual safety.
When starting at a young age, focus on “private parts.” Explain why they’re private and the safety of consent.
An Expert’s Example from Motherly: “Above all, you want to start early to build your child’s trust when discussing sexual health. And building trust means getting comfortable with it so you can stay in the conversation as long as your child needs you. They need to know you are a safe person with the most accurate information.”
Most Importantly: Talk About Consent And The Risks
We unfortunately live in an age where many things are overly sexualized. Commercials, movies, TV shows, games, characters… Women have large breasts, and every man is tall and has one thing on his mind. Songs are lewed and clothing is anything but modest. All of these things desensitize kids, which may make them feel more mature than they are.
The experts at The Connecticut Alliance to End Sexual Violence shared some important ways to teach kids about consent. One of the biggest starting points is teaching your child boundaries with their bodies. Teach them to feel confident saying “no” when they feel uncomfortable.
- Emphasize that your child is the boss of their body. They don’t need to hug or kiss someone they don’t want. Their bodies, their rules. Follow these rules yourself and ask people if it’s okay to hug them. As for permission before touching someone, hopefully, your child will learn to do or accept the same.
- One of the largest lessons is the topic of “safe adults.” Sadly, not every adult is safe or trustworthy. Show them which adults are trustworthy, and ask which adults they feel safe being around (and why).
- Nicknames for body parts may work when your child is young, but eventually, anatomically correct parts need to be introduced. There’s nothing shameful about saying the proper names for genitalia. Those who aren’t aware of proper body part names or feel shameful saying certain parts may not come forward if bodily harm occurs.
- The difference between consent in a relationship and marriage versus with dates or even friends.
Following the consent talk are the risks that come with sex. Sexually transmitted diseases, assault, and pregnancies are all life-altering risks to talk about with your child.
A great way to help your child understand consent is to help them become aware of their feelings so they can make informed decisions.
They should ask themselves:
- “Do I feel safe?”
- “Am I enjoying myself?”
- “Do I want this person touching me?”
The conversation can then flip to respecting other people’s boundaries and cues during intimate situations.
At the end of the day, every parent wants their child to be safe, healthy, and happy. Having conversations young, being an askable parent, and hosting shame-free conversations can go a long way. And just remember that sex doesn’t need to be an uncomfortable conversation. Be light, be anatomically correct, be direct.