For most of us, school has been back in session for a few weeks now, and we’re all starting to adjust to the new routine.
For many of us, that routine includes our kids absolutely falling apart once they walk in the door, and we may be despairing over what to do about it. In some cases, though, the response is further complicated because we aren’t recognizing the after-school meltdown as a meltdown at all.
If your kid is consistently exhibiting difficult behaviors when he gets home, it may be time to consider whether it’s a neurodivergent meltdown.
Some Meltdowns Are Easy To Recognize
If your kid is falling down, crying, screaming, or having what may look similar to a tantrum (tantrums and meltdowns are very different on the inside but can look alike on the outside), you probably recognize it as a meltdown. Your child is overwhelmed from a long day of maintaining tight control over their body, and they can’t do it anymore. Ashley Zeigler at Scary Mommy describes what that looks and feels like with her daughters:
“They’re whining because it’s too hot, or they’re yelling because they both want to tell me about their day at the exact same time, or they’re mad because I won’t let them race each other…Most days, by the time we walk into the house, my nerves are already shot, but I have no choice but to muster up the patience and energy needed to help them regulate.”
No matter what conclusions she reaches about addressing these meltdowns, Zeigler’s kids start with an advantage: they have a parent who recognizes what’s happening and is working to help.
Other Meltdowns May Look More Like Simple Misbehavior
Maybe your child isn’t whining, flopping down on the sidewalk, and refusing to walk, though. Maybe your kid is picking a fight with his sibling (“Hey, want a piece of my gum? Too bad, this is the last piece, MMMMM yummy!”) or lying about having homework. Or maybe he’s fine until you ask him to take out the trash, and then he goes into a screaming rage about how unfair his life is.
If these behaviors come up consistently at the end of the school day, especially if they’re not your child’s norm, they could be meltdowns exhibiting a little differently than expected.
Dandelion Family Counseling explains that the after-school meltdown, or more formally, the After-School Restraint Collapse, could include behaviors such as defiance, picking fights, refusing to do homework or chores, and blaming others. You may also see your child getting upset more easily than usual or being overly emotional. These are in addition to the more easily recognized symptoms of a meltdown, like whining, tantrums, or screaming.
One key to watch for is this coming immediately after the school day ends (which may be defined as the moment you collect them from the pick-up line, or after the bus pulls away, or after they get inside and drop their backpack—whenever they feel that day ends) and lasting a relatively short time.
Why Does This Happen?
Experts explain that kids, especially those with learning disorders or neurodivergent brains, spend their entire school day holding in their true feelings. They have to put their sense of frustration, injustice, exhaustion, and whatever else they’re dealing with on hold, but when they get home to the parent and location that’s “safe,” they let it all out in a burst or “tidal wave.” As Dr. Kristyn Sommer described it to Momwell:
“After school restraint collapse happens when children use up their capacity for self-regulation during the school day. They are working hard to follow the social expectations there. By the end of the day, they have no more self-control left. They’re tired, they’re hungry, and they’re emotionally exhausted from regulating their behavior.”
How Do We Get Our Kids Through This?
First, we have to recognize that these outbursts are in our presence but are not an attack on us. Your child’s anger, hurt, and frustration aren’t about what you’ve done in the last ten minutes but about what he’s experienced all day.
(That’s honestly hard for humans because we are very wired to cause-and-effect and tend to think, “What did I do to cause this? How do I not do it again?”)
So, not taking it personally is a huge, hard step, but it’s the first one.
Then, we have to provide the tools for regulation. Some of these include food, emotional support, space to adjust, and maybe some physical exertion or other release.
Examining The Tools For Self-Regulation
We can help our kids with transition through practice and preparation. A watch and a written schedule may be enough for some kids (especially if their cell phones are banned at school, preventing them from a favorite fidget and timekeeping tool). Knowing what to expect is a big help.
Most kids also need something to eat after school. Their bodies have worked hard all day; in many cases, lunch is so early (and often so short) that they’ve burned up fuel.
They may also really need a break. One of my kids has started leaving his headphones in the vehicle when he heads to school so he can put them on immediately after school and give himself a little distance.
Decompression is a big one. After a full day of doing things on other people’s schedules, it’s tough to walk right into the house and start doing things on a schedule someone else set. Consider whether you can be more flexible if you usually have a rule requiring chores or homework immediately after school. Thirty minutes of running around outside or even video gaming can help decompress and release emotion in a more controlled manner.
Don’t forget the most essential tools: your love and support. Remind your kid that you’re so proud of him, offer a hug, and be there for his needs.
