You’re likely familiar with the concept of ‘love languages,’ which suggests that each person has certain styles of communicating love and how they feel others’ love communicated towards them. For instance, while we all communicate and receive love in many ways, one person might feel it more from touch—hugs, a pat on the shoulder—and one might be more the type to offer and appreciate words of affirmation.
However, your child may be reaching out to you with a love language you’ve never heard of before called “Pebbling.”
Love Languages
Author Gary Chapman’s original theory named five love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts. His books have received praise and criticism, but therapists and relationship experts have adopted the framework.
A common trope is expanding the types of love languages or reimagining them for different neurotypes or personalities. You’ll often hear autistic people assert that “infodumping” — the act of suddenly and unexpectedly telling you everything they know about a certain subject — is one of their love languages, for example.
Pebbling As A Love Language
According to Today, the term “pebbling” comes from the Gentoo penguins, an Antarctic species in which a male courts a mate by gifting her pebbles. In the case of penguins, the recipient will then use these stones to build her nest.
In human relationships, gifts typically aren’t rocks, but the notion of frequent tiny gifts (or, in some cases, GIFs) carries over. In particular, the term is used for the digital gifts of regular texts, memes, funny pictures, and tidbits of information.
Like the original love languages theory, this one isn’t reserved only for romantic love but also for friendly or familial love—so if you’re receiving a plethora of picture messages from your teen, take it as an expression of affection.
Therapist Weighs In On “Autistic Pebbling”
Pebbling, like the classic love languages named in the original theory, is an expression of love that is growing in scope, and might come from virtually anyone with a smartphone. In particular, you’ll see it from much or most of the current teen generation.
However, there are versions of it that autistic people and their therapists, in particular, have noticed are shared among the neurodivergent, and this seems linked to infodumping. Below, an autistic therapist explains.
She says it’s a sort of information pebbling — “I will give you all the information I have in my brain…I truly believe it’s the most valuable thing I could give somebody.”
That makes it another type of pebbling to watch for—someone who often shows up to give you a quick piece of news or trivia before moving along may be information pebbling.
Playlist Pebbling
There is another type of pebbling that readers who were teens in the 80s and 90s might find particularly relatable. Essentially, it’s the mix tape.
If you remember that era, you remember the effort, energy, and thought that went into the practice. You considered each song’s theme, mood, and message and selected five, a dozen, or twenty that were emblematic of the recipient, your relationship, or your feelings about them.
Writing in Forbes, psychologist Mike Travers posits that giving the gift of music, whether in classic mixtape form or by sharing a playlist, is “a meticulous form of pebbling.” He explains:
“Each chosen song is a musical pebble—handpicked to evoke emotions, share memories and make their affection and infatuation tangible.”
Other Types Of Pebbling
Pebbling can be expressed as a crossover with other love languages as well. For instance, it coincides with the ‘gifts’ love language when your teenager brings you one of the brownies she baked or your friend drops off an extra lotion because the shop you both like had a BOGO sale. Or it could coincide with acts of service when your partner regularly does some small chore that they know you find particularly unappealing.
In short, it’s any time that someone engages in the act of showing love by a series of frequent small actions or gifts. Tiny moments of connection, choosing to share a passing thought instead of tucking it away, remembering which chocolate bar someone likes — the kind of small ongoing effort that can be easy to overlook.
“I Love You” Comes In So Many Forms
There are so many ways we tell our teens, “I love you,” without using those exact words. We say, “Be careful,” ” Did you eat?” “I packed you a lunch,” and “Make sure you have your book.”
We tell them they’re loved with actions, like making sure their favorite shirt is clean for an important school day, and with information, like how to change the oil in their car. We try to gift them education, experiences, and self-esteem.
As parents, sometimes we might miss some ways they say “I love you” back.
Digital Gifting
When your teen sees a meme and posts it on social media, she may be expressing that she appreciates the sentiment and wants to share it with her friends or audience. When she sees a meme and resends it to you, personally, that’s a conscious decision to form a connection.
She may be saying, “This is a feeling I have that I’d like you to understand,” or “This is something I think you will identify with,” or “This strikes me as fitting your sense of humor.” Any of these messages means, “I thought of you.”
Having a teen means being thankful that most phone plans these days have unlimited texting (we remember when they cost per text or you had a limited number per month, right?). But if you’re the recipient of so many texts, you may want to take a moment to realize just what your teen is really telling you.