One of the hardest parts of hard conversations is the embarrassment, especially when parents want to pass on important knowledge that their own parents were too uncomfortable to give. It can be rough to try to put all the important things you know about hormones, safe choices in intercourse, and body changes into words, for example, if you were raised to believe those are things to keep silent about.
It’s not the only hard conversation, though. Parents can struggle to talk to kids about substance abuse, about recognizing and reporting inappropriate behavior from adults, about prejudice and discrimination, and about the death of a loved one, among other things.
The less stigma involved in these conversations, the better. If you can break a generational cycle and speak openly and freely with your kids about important topics, that’s wonderful. If you struggle with it, this TikTok mom is sharing the best advice she was ever given.
Have Conversations With Your Kids When You’re Driving
The trick is to have the conversation on the road. This takes so much pressure off of both parent and child.
They don’t feel obligated to meet your eyes while you’re talking about contraceptives and preventing the spread of disease, which gives your child a little more freedom and comfort. They aren’t worried that you’re scanning their face for an unconscious response, so they’re not worried a flick of an eyelid or a sideways glance will reveal what they already know or mislead you into assuming they have experiences they don’t have.
Compared to a face-to-face chat, a conversation in the car feels less formal, and there’s less sense of obligation to reply quickly, or at all.
A Conversation During A Drive Is Often Easier For Parents
If you’re the kind of direct parent who is comfortable sitting down at the kitchen table and discussing with your child how their body is changing and what kind of urges their natural hormonal changes will cause, that’s great.
If you’re not, though, you’ll probably find that you appreciate not having to look your child in the eye when you talk about prophylactics and menstrual products. They might not even realize you’re blushing!
A Captive Audience Is Required For Conversations With Your Kids
If you’re worried that when you start talking about parties and hanging with the right crowd, your child will roll his eyes and walk away, car conversations are a great way to prevent it. He doesn’t have to respond, but he does have to stick around for the duration of the talk.
That makes it perfect for conversations where you need to communicate your entire piece, whether or not he’s willing to participate. You can talk about dangers and risks, give him the reminder that he can call you if things go wrong, no matter what, and offer safe choices and escape routes (like using a code word to tell you to come to pick him up) and make sure he is at least present for all of it, wether he chooses to hear or not.
The Viral TikTok For Hard Conversations With Your Kids
TikToker Beachgem10, crediting another TikToker, Teawiththeteach, shared the idea in a video grabbing a lot of attention. You can check it out in her words below.
Support For The Driving Conversations Theory
Beachgem10 might be making the notion of car conversations go viral on TikTok, but the idea has been around in parenting psychology for a while.
For example, last year Symptoms of Living spoke with Mind Coach Alison Blackler to learn more about why cars are great for deep conversation. She dug into psychological reasons that a car ride is conducive to connection. As she explained:
“A car journey means that you are ‘stuck’ together for a set amount of time, and relatively relaxed. There are less physical distractions and time can feel different – almost less hectic. When people are sitting next to each other, this can be less confrontational so more difficult conversations can work well. The lack of eye contact often means that each person takes their time to think and respond, which is so different when looking at each other. As talking is the secondary action when driving and because the driver is not fully engaged on the one task of having a difficult conversation, it might feel like there is less of a need to be defensive.”
The School Drive Is A Great Place To Start
Valor, an organization that fights against intimate partner violence and violations of a similar nature, as well as for equity, advises explicitly having these conversations on the trips to and from school. This puts a finite limit on the length and makes them part of a regular pattern so that you and your child have regular practice at big conversations.
They’ve published a guide on important topics to address (consent, anger management, bystander intervention, healthy relationships, cultural awareness, and more) and how to talk to your kids about each in the space of a car trip.
The guide also provides practical advice, such as to remain calm if your child discloses something surprising or upsetting, and to remember to proceed with questions instead of jumping into lecture mode.
Car Talk Etiquette With Your Children
Despite our use of the term “captive audience,” it’s still important to think of your child’s comfort and well-being when timing your conversations.
Forcing a conversation entirely against the child’s will can backfire, and it’s a good idea to let them know you have something you want to discuss before jumping in. You may also want to avoid getting into fraught subjects at high-stress moments — for instance, the contraceptive talk maybe shouldn’t be brought up on the way to school on exam day.
Also, remember that a driver’s priority should be the road, so if driving conditions and deep topics clash, shelve the chat for a future drive.