Look at the moms in your life. Are they overwhelmed, drained, exhausted?
If you said no, you may want to double-check with them and ask again because most moms these days are. Regardless of gender, parents are pretty stressed out, but there are some key differences for most moms.
In most households, moms are the primary caregivers, and they take on the majority of unpaid work—and on the whole, they feel pretty unappreciated.
Statistically Speaking
Moms are doing a lot.
According to American Progress, 64% of moms are the primary earner, or the only earner in their homes. Despite that, they’re still heavily expected to be primary caregivers, both for their children and for any family member that may fall ill and need help, according to Pew Research. And when it comes to the mental load, they’re taking on the most of it.
That added together can be a hefty burden, and it often seems to go unnoticed.
New Study Shows How Much Appreciation Matters
In a new study, parents were asked about whether it means anything when they’re thanked or shown appreciation by their partners and kids. It does, and the lack of appreciation is hitting all parents, but it’s hitting moms hardest.
According to KQOD’s summary of the study, there are several important conclusions to draw starting with the fact that parenting stress is lower when kids just say “thank you,” and that moms are feeling the lack of this more than fathers. In fact, it turns out to affect moms more, too.
In fact, gratitude from one’s partner and older kids is shown to lower levels of depression and hopelessness — and gratitude from a partner also improves relationships.
Moms Are So Burned Out Therapists Have A Name For It
They call it Depleted Mother Syndrome. It’s not exactly in the DSM yet, but it’s something therapists recognize, nonetheless. Therapy Beyond The Couch describes it this way:
“In a nutshell, Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS) occurs when demands on the mother increase, and her resources decrease. As a result of this imbalance, the mother’s emotional sensitivity to both internal, and external triggers becomes heightened. In other words, her buttons begin to get pushed so quickly and so often that she becomes worn out and frazzled (sounds familiar?)”
Some of the important factors are the sleep deprivation that mothers tend to suffer, the recovery from pregnancy, labor, and breastfeeding, and the complete lack of days off, or even much time that’s not “on-call.” In fact, Therapy Beyond The Couch concludes that on average, moms put in 20 more hours of work per week than dads, even if none of it is paid.
They also note the damage to relationships, throwing in the statistic that couples with kids have about 8 times as many arguments as those without.
So, How Can We All Work Together To Help?
Dads can help by stepping up in the invisible labor department and helping keep track of things like dentist appointments and homework, and by making sure their wives get real breaks.
Both partners in a relationship can improve their connections and their partners’ well-being by expressing gratitude for each others’ efforts, sacrifices, and labor.
And all parents can make sure they’re teaching their kids to express gratitude both explicitly and implicitly. This doesn’t mean your kids have to be little thank-you automatons who are responsible for their parents’ mental health!
Instead, the first step is modeling appreciation. Let your kids hear you thank your partner for the things they do, whether it’s cooking, taking the car for an oil change, or keeping the living room company-ready. Thank your kids, too! They learn what they see!
Make sure you’re helping kids see the work others do for them, such as the librarian who helps them find the book they wanted, or the teacher who took extra time with them.
Especially, make sure you’re helping your kids see the work your partner does for them, whether it’s cooking a special meal or driving them back and forth to soccer practice—and prompt them to say thank you!
