Want to watch a millennial parent get truly frustrated? Don’t observe them with their kids; observe them with their parents, talking about their kids.
No matter the generation, every parent gets things wrong, and every human being selectively edits their memories. But the things kids and parents remember will not be the same.
Unfortunately, grandparents bring those partial memories with them when they try to offer parenting advice, and for the folks they raised who remember the other parts, that’s very frustrating.
This Isn’t Generation-Bashing (Mostly)
Okay, some folks massively resent the norms of their parents’ generations, and we acknowledge that as information improves, we are always learning that there are harmful old standards. It’s no surprise that some folks who suffered that harm are pretty upset over it, and current parents may watch their own kids grow up and bring back to us the things that we’re wrong about.
Still, this is mostly about two things: rose-colored memories and judgemental behavior. If you place a partial picture of one time period next to a full picture of another, you won’t get a very accurate comparison.
It’s Called Gramnesia, & We Can Empathize
Allie McQuaid, who goes by the handle The Millennial Therapist on Instagram, shared that in her work, she often sees clients who express frustration with their parents and how they now judge the clients’ parenting.
For example, the client tells how she took her kids to grandma’s this past weekend, and grandma glimpsed a disposable training pant and declared, “Isn’t he potty trained yet? I had you trained before your first birthday1′
Okay, grandma, we’re not saying that can’t be true, but realistically, mighty few (if any) babies can potty train that young; experts say pushing it before the kid is ready can be damaging, and frankly, parenting is hard enough without the judgmental comments. Still, McQuaid says the selective memory part is understandable at least:
“[T]hey probably forgot what it was really like in those early years of parenthood. Which honestly I can’t blame them because I even have a hard time remembering the first year of motherhood, and that was only four years ago. it’s also very possible that older generations of moms were not given space to express emotions or indicate that they were struggling to adjust to motherhood.”
Still, she acknowledges how it hurts her clients and their relationships with their parents and invites her followers to share their own experiences with the gramnesia phenomenon.
Everyone Has An Example
One commenter said her mother-in-law claims her husband never talked back or had tantrums. Another said that her own mother claims her children were never sick, which is frustrating to the individual who remembers herself and siblings being sick at various times throughout childhood.
Feeding advice from older generations is often fraught, especially since professional recommendations have changed so much. Grandparents pressuring their children to give the baby rice cereal in his bottle (which was thought to make babies sleep better but is now known to raise risks of choking and overfeeding) is a common complaint. Then, there are some suggestions that are just bizarre. One commenter shares:
“My mom swears that the number of ounces they eat equals the number of hours they’ll sleep (4oz=4 hours). I tried to show her the math doesn’t work since he eats 30oz in a 24 hour period and isn’t asleep the whole day but she sticks by her theory.”
Sleep is also contentious, with mentions of grandparents recommending heating pads in a bassinet, bumpers in a crib, and putting baby to sleep on his stomach.
Grandparents Chimed In To Defend Themselves
A lot of these ‘defenses’ were legitimately just more judgment. One person, for example, complained that people “these days” are waiting so long to have kids (has she looked at the financial situation most families are currently in?) that grandparents “don’t stand a chance at remembering.” (Do they stand a chance at choosing empathy over judgment, though?)
Another seems to feel very targeted. She comments:
“Seriously? We have amnesia if you dont think it was true? Or maybe our kids didnt have tantrums, maybe ask why or how and learn something!”
Another declared that she’s sick of “boomer bashing” and that it’s time to stop generalizing about entire generations, asking, “Will millennials ever quit whining?”
Some Folks Are Complaining About More Than ‘Gramnesia’
Some commenters feel that this ‘gramnesia’ effect is less about selective memory and more about neglect or absence. One even questions whether it’s really just pathological lying. Another opined:
“LMAO it’s not that they forgot it’s that now they don’t care!”
Yet another opines that it’s partly because their parents’ generation relied on grandparent care so much, and now aren’t offering the same in turn. She explains:
“They worked, we went to grandparents after daycare or school, spent weekends unattended or with cousins. Summers were the same. They farmed us out to their parents so they could still have their lives, do it all, be it all, have it all etc. Now the grandchildren they wanted us to have so badly drive them up the wall in 20 minutes because they actually had a village to help them and now they don’t want to be the village.”
No, It’s Not All Grandparents
Parents and grandparents alike chimed in to share their positive stories as well. One grandma even admitted it happens and discussed why:
“My husband was at work during those years and often says things like why is that neighbor child crying so much. Our kids never did that. I tell him, ‘Yes they did. You weren’t here.'”
She also said that she has nothing but respect for how her grown kids parent.
Another echoed the concern about her generation not stepping in to be the “village.” She shared her simultaneous joy and exhaustion in caring for her grandkids and said:
“We are shocked at how many of us boomers aren’t ‘investing’ in their grandchildren…I’m so sorry for those who don’t have the grands sympathy or help.”
Parents Appreciate The Grandparents Who Get It
One parent described an incident that made her feel much better about her own experiences with getting advice from people suffering ‘gramnesia.’ She said:
“I remember one time there was a grandma I was around and she said how busy her daughter was raising her four kids. She said, ‘I must have done it too but I can’t remember!’ And I immediately felt validated [about] being annoyed of all the old ladies who say how great it is and to just enjoy those young years.”
Another appreciated her own mom for not offering judgmental comments and attacks. She said:
I’m lucky that my mom doesn’t act this way. When I’m having a bad day, she 100% gets it.
So, What’s The Takeaway On Gramnesia?
Maybe we can draw a series of conclusions from this.
First, if you’re already a grandparent, consider what kind of statements you’re making to your kids about their parenting. Are your words positive and supportive, or judgmental and hurtful? If you’re not sure, you can ask! Then, adjust as necessary.
Second, if you are a parent now, remind yourself that there are wonderful parts and extremely difficult parts. Maybe you want to write some of the hard parts down somewhere or otherwise memorialize them so you remember when your kids are going through them and don’t repeat the amnesia phase.
Finally, we can all be a little more understanding of one another’s struggles and try to work towards understanding rather than resentment. We can all choose to fill our lives with people who are understanding and supportive and limit how much we expose ourselves to those who won’t hold back hurtful behavior.