It’s almost inevitable: if you’re around other people discussing their feelings about different types of parenting, someone will bring up ‘gentle parenting’ and misrepresent it entirely.
They always have a friend or cousin or sibling or neighbor whose child they’ll describe as completely out of control, and they attribute this misbehavior to what they believe is gentle parenting. When they start describing it, though, it’s clear that they are operating on a faulty definition.
Let’s be clear: gentle parenting doesn’t mean letting bad behaviors pass.
There Are More Than Two Parenting Styles
Some folks only recognize two types of parenting: authoritarian, with ‘discipline’ often defined entirely as physical punishments, and what they deem ‘gentle’ parenting.
When they describe gentle parenting, though, what they’re describing is more commonly permissive parenting or sometimes just doing no parenting at all.
They describe a child who is allowed to hit other children and adults, who is permitted to abuse pets, and who is never corrected, restrained, or disciplined in any way.
Gentle parenting, by contrast, is about recognizing your child’s needs, including their need for boundaries and limits, and acknowledging those needs.
Four Parenting Types
There are approximately as many parenting styles as there are parents, but psychologists typically divide them into four categories: authoritarian (in which the parent is the boss and there’s no discussion to be had); authoritative (in which parents lead but invite their children to be part of a team); permissive (in which parents focus on avoiding conflict with their kids); and neglectful (in which parents are pretty absent overall).
What we call gentle parenting generally falls under the authoritative category.
Let’s say we’re looking at a typical childhood misbehavior — he’s hitting the dog with a sofa pillow.
An authoritarian parent might yell and move immediately to punishment. A permissive parent might say, “Mikey, Fido doesn’t like that,” but fail to stop their child. A neglectful parent might not notice unless and until the child is bitten.
An ideal gentle parenting (authoritative) response might be to step in, pick Mikey up, and take him to a different area, where a parent explains that the behavior is not allowed. Then, parents might take the child back into the room and show him how to pet Fido appropriately, or might keep the two apart.
One Expert Says The Difference Is Expectations
From the outside, permissive and gentle parenting might be hard to tell apart, especially for someone conditioned to authoritarian parenting styles.
On the inside, though, author and parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith says it’s about expectations, and that permissive parenting can be based on a misunderstanding of a child’s abilities. She says:
“Permissive Parents tend to have unrealistic expectations of their children (believing they are less, or more, capable than they really are) and tend to give children too much control and not have consistent boundaries.”
By contrast, she explains that authoritative parenting (including gentle parenting) relies on an understanding of a child’s abilities and a willingness to meet them with realistic expectations.
Applying this to the previous example, with the poor put-upon pillow-whacked pooch, would mean that if Little Mikey isn’t old enough to understand that he mustn’t hit the dog, then his parents take responsibility for removing him from the situation. If he is capable of understanding, then he is taught.
How Do We Gentle Parent?
Gentle parenting requires attention, involvement, and understanding.
Authoritative parenting requires having rules and boundaries and enforcing them. Still, it also calls for understanding why your child is breaking the rules, crossing lines, and recognizing and acknowledging their feelings.
We can empathize with Mikey’s desire to interact with the dog, and still stop him from hitting. We can empathize that our child is tired and doesn’t want to eat his peas, but still prevent him from throwing them on the floor (or involve him in the cleanup process if we aren’t quite fast enough).
When we gentle parent, we acknowledge that our child is a whole human being with his own needs and desires, and that those matter, while also recognizing that he’s not yet developmentally able to make all the decisions in his own life. Thus, we lead, but with empathy.
Permissive parenting, by contrast, lacks leadership, while authoritarian parenting tends to lack empathy.
What Parenting Styles Have The Best Outcomes?
It’s important to note that the same person may mix and match parenting styles. For instance, the same parent may be authoritarian on bedtimes, authoritative regarding meals, and permissive about screen time.
On the whole, experts say that authoritative styles have the best outcomes. Kids who are given boundaries, rules, and limits, along with loving understanding, tend to grow into the most well-adjusted adults. According to Innovative Psychological Counseling:
“The general outcome for these kids is positive. Most of these children are happy, active and independent, do well academically, have good peer relationships, have fewer issues with mental health, and upwards of 80% have high self-esteem.”
By contrast, those raised under primarily authoritarian parenting styles are more likely to have substance abuse struggles, mental health difficulties, and poorer academic performance. About 20% report good self-esteem.
About the same percentage of those raised in permissive households report good self-esteem, and they’re more likely to have social struggles, believe that rules don’t apply to them, and lack empathy for others.
So, if you’re witnessing a child who is growing up with no rules or boundaries in place whatsoever, you may be entirely right in your assessment that this won’t turn out well — but if you’re calling that ‘gentle parenting,’ you’re placing it under the wrong label.
