As parents, we always want the best for our kids. We hate it when they are sad or overwhelmed, our heart hurts when their heart hurts, and whenever possible, we want to take their pain away.
Sometimes, we wish to wrap our children in bubble wrap and forever protect them from life’s conflicts and stressors. This is a natural and normal response; however, research shows that some positive stress is actually good for kids, and we can significantly do our kids a disservice if we always rush in to save the day.
Positive stress is different than chronic or toxic stress, and there is a big difference between a child feeling utterly alone in that stress and having the support and encouragement of their parent or trusted adult. It is also essential to consider the age and developmental level of the child in relation to the stressor. Chronic and toxic stress have detrimental effects on children, and we recently reported on the fact that teens’ lives are becoming more stressful than ever. However, small doses of positive stress with the support of a loved one, yield a very different response and can prove to have many positive long-term benefits.
Here are 10 reasons why some stress is good for kids and what parents can do to help support them.
Positive Stress Can Help To Build Problem-Solving Skills
How will our kids ever learn how to handle life’s curve balls if we always swoop in to take over or try to fix the problem? Some problems don’t always require parental intervention or need a quick fix. Allowing our kids to sit with some discomfort and actively participate in the problem will enable them to build problem-solving skills. Everything in life takes practice, from riding a bike to learning to swim. Dealing with life’s stressors and learning problem-solving skills is no different.
The goal is not to permanently eliminate, avoid, or save our kids from stress or discomfort. The goal is to help our kids build skills and equip them the best we can to manage day-to-day issues. Allowing our kids to deal with the problem helps them learn to identify and understand their emotions and enables them to go through the process to figure out what steps must be taken.
What Parents Can Do: Be present and engaged with your child. If they have a dilemma, respond with curiosity. We may see the obvious way to solve the problem, but the goal is for them to build the skills. Questions that provide curiosity, validation, and reflection, such as “What do you think needs to happen?” or “I can see this is difficult for you. What do you think would help?” or “What do you think you could do differently next time?” provides the ability for your child to be able to work through the process, problem solve, and puts them in the driver’s seat.
Positive Stress Can Help To Build Confidence
The pride your child feels from being able to complete a difficult task is invaluable. Positive stressors such as learning an instrument, competing in sports, figuring out a complex math problem, or finally mastering that roundhouse kick can all help boost your child’s confidence. If we always give our kids the answer or tell them how to solve a problem, how do they ever build the self-confidence to try and solve the problem in the first place? Sometimes well-intentioned parents jump in too soon or too often, but the message received over time for a child is, “I can’t do it.”
According to the American Psychological Association, Completing a task or overcoming a stressful event helps children learn they can do it and accomplish hard things. It helps build the skills needed to feel secure enough to put forth effort and enter different situations. And even if they cannot complete the task, that is ok. Kids need to fail sometimes and have opportunities of disappointment to learn and grow.
What Parents Can Do: Sometimes, parents need to intervene and offer assistance. Young children quite literally need a parent to do things for them. However, parents can still help foster confidence, even if parental intervention is necessary. The stress for your three-year-old may be that their tower keeps falling over. The task may be outside of their developmental level. However, parents can still help provide children with a space to try and figure it out first. Before jumping in, provide encouraging statements such as “I bet you can figure it out” or invite them to participate in fixing the problem. Asking, “What do you think needs to happen to get your tower to stand up straight?” or statements like “Let’s do it together” still allow them to feel in control and confident to solve the problem as opposed to the parent just doing it for them.
Positive Stress Can Help Increase Motivation
Kids can feel stressed when there is something new, an upcoming event, or need to prepare for something. Dayton Children’s Hospital notes that positive stress can help foster motivation for our kids. Stress can help our kids feel determined and motivated to meet deadlines, study and do well on their tests, practice sports, or want to accomplish a specific goal. Especially with support from parents, coaches or teachers, kids will foster a drive to follow through and be motivated to try their best.
According to KidsHealth.org, “In small amounts, and when kids have the right support, stress can be a positive boost. It can help kids rise to a challenge. It can help them push toward goals, focus their effort, and meet deadlines. This kind of positive stress lets kids build the inner strengths and skills known as resilience.”
What Parents Can Do: We are our kids’ biggest cheerleaders. We can help motivate our children by reflecting on what needs to be completed and potential outcomes. Sometimes, reminding them of the physical or emotional rewards can help increase their motivation. Asking questions such as “I wonder how you will feel once you complete…” or “Do you remember how you felt last time…” can also help trigger internal motivation as it allows children to sit with those emotions, think about the outcomes and make sense of what steps need to be followed.
Positive Stress Can Help Kids Learn Coping Skills
Stress and discomfort are normal and something we all experience occasionally. If we as parents always jump in to save our kids from this, how do they learn to cope with life’s challenges? If kids are never exposed to any discomfort, how do they learn to respond effectively?
Allowing our kids to sit with and feel their emotions can give them the space to assess their next steps. What helps them to feel better? What ideas do they have to deal with the stress? Talking with a parent or a trusted adult, playing outside, exercising, listening to music, drawing, or journaling are just a few helpful coping skills for kids. Suppose a child can follow through with something that helps to make them feel better. In that case, they learn to deal with stressors effectively and build trust and confidence in themselves to take control of the situation and know what they need to do to work through it.
What Parents Can Do: Encourage your child to be an active participant. Validate and reflect on their feelings and explore if they have any ideas of what would help. Being present, actively listening, and offering a safe space for your child to express their feelings or dilemmas allows them to work through the process. Offer questions that reflect non-judgment and a curious stance, such as, “I wonder what would help?” Or, “I wonder if you are feeling sad about what happened? I’m here if you need me.” Parents can also help their child by demonstrating their own coping skills during stressful times. This can help model positive ways of responding for your child during challenging times.
Positive Stress Can Help Build Resilience
There will naturally be things in life that our kids do not like or push them outside their comfort zone. Not many kids enjoy academic testing; some kids are nervous about performing in their school play or may be scared to try out a new club or sport. Suppose kids are never given these opportunities or are always protected from potential pitfalls. In that case, they never have the chance to grow and adapt or figure out that they can rise above the challenge. Having the support and encouragement from parents while providing safety and security for kids to sometimes figure things out on their own helps to build trust and confidence within themselves and fosters tolerable reactions to stress.
According to healthychildren.org, “Some stress is good for our health. It can help build motivation in the moment and resilience for future challenges. Our heart rate and blood pressure may increase when stress hormones are released. But if we have built social supports and learned some coping skills, the stress response is quickly dialed back down. This builds our resilience “muscles.”
What Parents Can Do: Parents can be a supportive space for kids as they experience different stressors or challenges. Parents can help children reflect on their strengths and ability to rise above the stressors. The National Institute of Health notes that Keeping situations in perspective is an important way to boost stress resilience. Our job as parents is not to always keep our kids happy but to be a sturdy, safe landing place when things get tough. Kids learn they can come to their parents for support and encouragement, which reinforces feelings of resilience.
Positive Stress Can Help Foster Flexibility And Adaptability
If kids are constantly protected from stress or conflict, it can add increased difficulty as they get older. Their tolerance and flexibility with challenges will be a lot smaller. It is beneficial for kids to experience some discomfort, go through the motions, and learn firsthand how best to handle various situations.
A child who learns to adapt to changes or challenges positively builds a stronger window of tolerance and can better emotionally regulate when changes and challenges arise. This is not to say our kids will always respond joyfully to changes, but the emotional intensity will be different for a child who has had some exposures than a child who has not.
What Parents Can Do: Parents can help their child through the emotional rollercoaster of different challenges or conflicts by allowing them to reflect on the experience and look at it from a different perspective. Inviting your child to come up with solutions, explore what might help, or create a plan of how to handle future changes can help your child practice flexibility and be better able to handle uncertainties. Parents can also reinforce this by modeling their flexibility when unexpected changes arise.
Positive Stress Can Help Create Work Ethic
Some stress can help kids foster a drive to take pride in their work and performance. Homework, studying for tests, school projects, recitals, or sports competitions are just a few examples. When positive stress is paired with motivation to do well and try their best, kids build character and valuable lessons around work ethic.
When our kids are given opportunities to follow through on their responsibility and to do the work, it helps them to learn to stand by their word and do the right thing. It creates time management skills, decision-making skills, and prioritization. It can be easy for parents to step in and help kids cut corners or sometimes just do the majority of the project for their child, but letting kids do the work helps develop an internal drive to do the right thing and perform their best.
What parents can do: Use encouragement to help guide your child in completing the tasks at hand. Maybe they have a packet of homework, a school project, or a presentation they just do not want to do. Parents can help encourage a child to follow through with their responsibilities and pose questions that allow a child to reflect on potential solutions and possible consequences if they do not finish the job. This approach will yield better results for your child versus lecturing or yelling, for example, about why the task needs to be completed. Allow space for your child to reflect on their dilemma and what the outcome would be if they do not complete what they need to complete.
Positive Stress Can Help Strengthen Focus And Memory
Stress can elicit a signal in the brain for memory recall. It communicates that the information is important and needs to be remembered. When a child is presented with small doses of positive stress, they may be better focused on the task at hand. The Yale School of Medicine recently shared a new study by Dr. Elizabeth Goldfarb, that stated, “We actually create stronger memories when we are under stress, with cortisol helping to enhance the brain structure making them.” She continued, “This is the first time we’ve shown how cortisol can help the hippocampus function better in order to support emotional memory in humans.”
The findings from this study showed that cortisol increased connectivity within the hippocampus. Dr. Goldfarb stated, “We discovered this pathway where cortisol helps the hippocampus talk to itself, and that helps people remember emotional experiences better.”
What Parents Can Do: Whether studying for a test or preparing for the next dance recital, parents can help kids figure out what they need to do to be ready. Understanding how your child focuses and learns best is helpful. Some kids need hands-on practice, while others are visual. Parents can help kids identify helpful tools that they think would help set them up for success.
Positive Stress Can Help Build Healthy Competition
Positive stress can help with positive responses to competition, according to DECA. Stress as a motivator can help your child want to improve their performance, refine their skills or motivate them to give their all. Whether it’s sports competition, math club, or a spelling bee, positive stress can help trigger healthy competition and serve as a catapult for your child to push themselves to new limits.
Healthy competition can also help expand their tolerance window and step outside their comfort zone. Maybe your child does not win or come in the first place, but being allowed the opportunity to “put themselves out there” provides valuable lessons. It can help reinforce grit, perseverance, and hard work. And if your child does not come out on top, find comfort in knowing your child is still growing and building skills through this process.
What Parents Can Do: Continue to encourage and cheerlead for your child. Normalize everyone makes mistakes and it’s ok if they do not win. It is helpful for parents to reinforce that as long as their child tries their best, is having fun, and follows through, that is what is essential. If the outcome is that your child did not win or is not happy with their performance, you can sit with them in that discomfort, validate and allow them to experience their emotions, and provide encouragement for next time.
Positive Stress Can Strengthen Relationships
Going through a stressful situation in the company of a close friend or loved one can help strengthen the relationship. According to the University of Nevada, Reno, It provides an opportunity to connect, relate, or normalize that they are not alone in their experience. It may be that your child experiences a conflict with another peer and can repair the relationship, or maybe your child experiences the excitement of getting 1st place in a competition. Your child being able to experience this in the company of someone else can help to foster close bonds. This also allows for the opportunity to practice their communication skills, build trust, and allow your child to receive and provide support within those relationships.
Alternatively, the relationship with your child is also strengthened by you just being the consistent safety net for your child. You, as the parent, providing a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or warm hugs builds connections in your child’s brain and helps foster a closer relationship.
What Parents Can Do: Talk through the situation with your kids in an age-appropriate manner. If you were going through a stressful situation with your child, you can help foster the line of communication and validate your feelings. If your child has experienced some stressful situation involving a peer, allowing them to process and reflect on that experience or event can help them understand what happened and better understand their feelings.
Parents must be mindful of the age and developmental level of their child. How a stressful situation is handled will look very different for a toddler than a teenager. Parents do not need to purposefully expose children to ongoing stress or conflicts. Still, parents can intentionally not hinder their child’s ability to figure things out independently when challenges come their way. Parents can find a healthy balance between being present, involved, and sturdy support for kids without hovering so closely that it buffers opportunities for self-growth.
While these tips are all focused on our children, remember, parental stress is an “Urgent” matter, according to the Surgeon General, and we also need to work on understanding our stressors even as we help our children work through their issues.
