From the moment you become pregnant, your body seems to become public property.
Strangers in grocery stores believe they have an open invitation to pat your gut and offer input on your dietary choices. Your coworkers suddenly seem to lose their boundaries when discussing your private life (no, Janice, we’re not interested in comparing which positions resulted in a boy). Of course, the medical aspect can be pretty invasive.
It can leave a person — especially one who already has some medical trauma — struggling with what to accept and what to reject.
Why Not Just Accept & Get Through It?
Some readers will disagree strongly with my positions and decisions, and their view typically seems to be that the only thing one should do during pregnancy is smile and get it over with.
If an internal exam today will spur a panic attack, get it over with. If a transvaginal ultrasound seems like more than you can handle, accept that it’s part of the process to birth a healthy baby. If being called “Mama” by a stranger makes you cringe, smile and let it go.
They’re not wrong. If you can do that, that’s great. If, on the other hand, you’ve ever felt like the medical aspect of being pregnant felt like being denied control of your own body, well then, you and I might understand each other.
Don’t misunderstand. I’m not telling anyone to refuse the tests their doctor says are necessary or to skip prenatal care. Those can be dangerous choices for you and your baby.
Instead, I’m talking about finding a middle road with some compromises that leave you feeling safe while still accessing the necessary care.
A High-Risk Pregnancy Landed Me In The Hospital
During my last pregnancy, I had a sub-chorionic hemorrhage (SCH). We still have no idea why. I may have had undiagnosed COVID early in the pregnancy. It may have been related to my two prior c-sections. It may have been influenced by being over 35.
Whatever the reason, I learned when I woke up bleeding and rushed to the emergency room that I had a bleed inside my uterus, and it could be either no problem at all or a major problem. Meanwhile, seeking my second VBA2C, I was already considered a high-risk pregnancy and had already been searching for a doctor in my area who could provide the necessary care.
My high-risk pregnancy turned more high-risk the day the SCH turned emergent, causing me to faint as I stood in line at Dollar General buying toilet paper.
I remember thinking, “It sure would be nice to lie down on the floor over there,” and then, “Wait, that’s not right. We don’t lie on the floor in Dollar General.”
Then I remember looking at the ceiling and wondering why my head hurt. I was transported by ambulance and began what would be two weeks of blood transfusions and other care.
My Nurses & Medical Team Were Wonderful
I don’t want to seem like I’m disparaging my nurses. They were wonderful people in the middle of a horrible time for me. I spent most of two weeks in the hospital, ending with an emergency c-section to deliver my daughter before the 26-week mark.
However, some of them, at times, absolutely seemed to forget that I was a human being with ears and autonomy. I would get very frustrated sometimes when two nurses would walk in and, without a word to me, one would say to the other, “Mama’s blood pressure is ____ today, her last hemoglobin came back low so we’re going to hang another bag…”
I felt this information should be communicated to me, not over me.
Worse, because of the SCH, nurses frequently came to check how much I was bleeding, and some seemed to forget the concept of informed consent then, too. My breaking point came the time that a nurse snatched the blanket off me and began to proceed without so much as a word to me about what she was doing!
It’s Okay To Stand Up For Yourself
During this particular pregnancy, I’d already been struggling with bodily autonomy. The search for a doctor who would allow a VBA2C was not an easy one.
Some doctors had rather extreme rules for how they’d allow that. One doctor had told me during the previous pregnancy that a VBA2C doesn’t exist. I told him that just wasn’t true; on a subsequent visit, he excitedly informed me he’d learned that bigger hospitals do offer VBA2C but that he didn’t because they don’t have 24-7 anesthesiology so they might not be prepared in the event of an emergency.
Another doctor had gotten mad at me (pre-hospitalization) for having a panic attack when he wanted to do an internal exam. He stormed out of the office and was apparently intercepted by the social worker for the practice, with whom I’d previously spoken about some medical trauma. I don’t know what she said to him, but he came back and apologized.
Also, at barely halfway through my pregnancy, I had thought I had months yet before facing hospitalization, cervix checks, and paper gowns. (Not to mention needles!)
I just wasn’t ready, and with everything going wrong, I was also scared.
Speaking Up Is Hard, Especially In An Environment Where You Have No Control
I couldn’t stand up and leave if I thought nurses were treating me like an incubator rather than a person. I couldn’t walk out if a doctor spoke over my head the entire time he was in the room. I had two IVs in my right arm and another port in my left. I had a blood transfusion running much of the time. (I lost count, but if you are a person who has ever donated blood, I thank you.) I had a baby and a bleed both inside my uterus, and walking out would have put us both in danger.
But I felt less like a person every day, and I had to do something because that feeling is dangerous too.
Time after time, I steeled myself to tell a nurse, “Please don’t call me Mama,” or to say, “Whoa, can you ask first?” when she began a procedure. Time after time, I froze.
Finally, I turned to my whiteboard — the message board hanging on the wall for such information as phone numbers and nurses’ names. I wrote:
“My name is not ‘Mama.’ I am a human patient, not furniture. Speak TO me, not over me. My consent — INFORMED consent — is a necessary component of all procedures. Thanks :)”
Time For Second-Guessing
After writing my message, I sat in my bed, waiting and worrying.
I’d tried to word it firmly but politely. I wanted to communicate that the current processes made me feel dehumanized and to state clearly what I needed to correct that, but I didn’t want to attack my nurses. I felt certain that all of them meant well, even if some acted in ways I couldn’t agree with.
I was terrified that I’d done it badly and would result in hurt feelings, resentment, and worse, but I had finally accepted that I wouldn’t get the words out verbally, and I couldn’t cope with the current methods being used.
Soon enough, two nurses came in. They glanced at the board and froze. I could see them reading it.
Then one turned to me and told me what my hemoglobin was and what the current plans were for me.
Later, a head nurse came in and thanked me for it, and said that in her opinion, sometimes nurses can “get too casual,” and assured me that it was perfectly appropriate to share a gentle reminder. I also noticed my doctors making more efforts to give me information and let me know their plans for proceeding.
Self-Advocacy Is Your Right
Again, I know there are people reading this and saying I was being ridiculous. Some folks feel like I should have just accepted the medical care and let the feelings about autonomy go. After all, I was in a hospital because I needed the kind of specialized care that those experts were capable of providing.
I think that is a perfectly legitimate stance for your own care, and I support anyone’s choice to handle their medical care that way.
However, if you feel that your care is not being carried out in a way that feels safe, respectful, and comfortable, I want you to know that your feelings are legitimate too.
Consider what you need from your doctor.
For some women, it might be keeping internal exams to a minimum. For others, it might be getting more information on what will be tested before submitting to a blood draw, instead of after.
It might mean being allowed to wear your clothes in the hospital (which may not be an option during labor) instead of a gown, or avoiding interventions unless absolutely necessary, or limiting who enters your hospital room.
Hospitals and other medical facilities are drastically short-staffed these days, and as always, the staff deserves respect and appreciation. Just don’t forget that you, as the patient, also have every right to expect respect and to communicate those needs to your doctors and nurses appropriately.
If you’re not comfortable communicating your concerns verbally, write them down!