Last week, we were on our way to pick up one of the older kids from school when my four-year-old demanded from the backseat, “What’s that?”
Traffic was just busy enough that I could not look back to see what she was pointing at, but it was Friday, and we’d done this four times that week already, so I knew it was the water feature in front of the hospital. She asks every time we pass.
I say, “That’s the fountain, baby.”
She asks, “Is that a fountain? Mom, is it the fountain? Is it a fountain?”
When The Behavior Is Frustrating, We Forget To Look For A Cause
My daughter knows this is a fountain. We’d had essentially the identical conversation every day all week, and I expect we’ll have some variant of it again today. Similarly, I fully expect to have multiple discussions today about where her brothers are, and the answer (school) will be the same over and over.
Naturally, these tend to crop up when I’m working, deeply involved in something, or driving and can’t devote my full attention to her question. Later, though, I think, wait, what was that really about?
The experts, it turns out, have a few different answers.
The Questions May Simply Be About Mom’s Attention
As noted, my daughter’s repeated questions tend to come when I’m occupied. Maybe that’s because that’s my usual state, or maybe it’s because, at those times, she needs to be reassured she can get my attention if she needs it.
Repetitive questions may not be about the question at all. Sometimes, they’re just about reassurance, and a child may just want to know that they can get an answer if it is needed. Since there isn’t a specific answer needed at that particular moment, they may just ask a question they already know to affirm that responses are available.
In Some Cases, It Could Be A Sign Of ADHD Or Other Developmental Issues
Suppose your child is asking the same questions repeatedly, especially if they continue to do so into elementary age. In that case, it can be a sign of ADHD or other developmental struggles. When this came up on a forum of parents who have kids with ADHD on Health Unlocked, several parents shared that they had the same experience.
Many of those parents discussed what worked for their child in those cases. For some, it was having the child echo the answer-back, and others described having their child write down the answer. One said that texting the answer to her child helps because he can refer back to it for details.
As always, if you think you’re seeing signs of a developmental disorder, speak with your child’s healthcare provider.
Sometimes, Kids Are Just Excited
One of the most obvious reasons kids repeat the same questions is excitement. You can identify this when the repeated questions are things like, “When are we leaving for the beach?” or “Is my friend coming over today?” or “Can we get popcorn at the movie?”
They may know the answer, but they want to talk about the exciting event and dwell on certain things that are very important to them, so they ask the same question over and over.
One behavior analyst and parenting coach on TikTok, Mandy Grass, who goes by the tag thefamilybehaviorist, says that her solution is first to give as much specific information as possible and then help her child write down the details. If he asks again, she has him review the details he wrote down.
If your kid isn’t reading yet, a version of this can be done with a pictogram showing the activities of the day. For example, the first activity is a meal, the second is getting dressed, the third is her car seat, and the fourth is the beach.
Predictability, Familiarity, Reliability
Maybe your child is asking, “Mom, where is my brother?” when she means, “Mom, I miss my brother and want him to come home. Can you give me more information about what’s going on and when I can expect him home? Can you reassure me that he will be home to play with me?”
However, all those questions are complicated to ask, and “where is my brother” is a nice simple question that will reliably have the same comfortable answer over and over. And, the Center for Childhood Development explains, trying to formulate new questions can be anxiety-inducing! Furthermore:
“The familiar, more rehearsed question forms are going to be easier to pull up from memory. Think about when you feel nervous or under pressure to generate good conversation—it can be stressful! We all have some standard questions/responses that we rely on, even if it’s just as filler until we come up with something better.”
The CCD also notes that new information can be intimidating, so even if your child is able to ask the more complex question, they may stick to the repeated one to avoid being overwhelmed by new information—even if they really want the bigger answer!
Sometimes, Kids Are Just Following Our Example
The CCD offers another possibility. Sometimes, kids are modeling what they’ve seen. After all, we ask them repeatedly what the kitty says and what color the fire truck is, even though we presumably know the answer to those questions.
In fact, we’ve often trained our kids with praise to know that this is a good positive interaction in which a question is asked and the correct answer is given. Everyone has done their proper part and said the right words; all is right with the world. Why wouldn’t they repeat that?
Additional Possible Solutions To The Endless Repetition
The CCD has some suggestions for comforting your child and expanding the conversation.
Start by giving the familiar answer. In the case of my child’s obsession with the fountain, it would be, “That’s a water fountain.”
Then, start offering more information. When she asks again, “Is it a fountain?” I might try, “Yes, that fountain is pretty, isn’t it?” or “Yes, that fountain sprays water up into the air, and then the water splashes back down.”
Another option—one I’ve tried—is offering silly answers. “Nope, it’s a hat. Do you think you’d like that pretty hat on your head?”
I can tell you from experience that option does result in giggles and “No! It’s not a hat! That’s the fountain!”