Your child’s teacher says that their self-control in the classroom is improving, but you’re not seeing it after school.

Instead, when your child gets home, they seem to explode—they yell at siblings or pick fights, and they get upset over things that normally wouldn’t deserve such a strong reaction. This can be especially common for kids with ADHD, but it can happen with any child.

It’s a full-fledged meltdown, and it’s called “restraint collapse.” The good news is you’re not alone. Experts and other parents who have experienced the same thing have some suggestions.

Start With A Snack & Hydration

Parenting forums are flooded with desperate moms and dads begging for a solution to after-school meltdowns, especially in the first few months of each school year when the issue is at its worst for so many parents.

Almost invariably, the most popular solution is the same thing: feed that kid. Bring a small snack in the car if you’re picking him up from school. If he’s taking the bus, have his snack on the table when he walks in the door. One Reddit user described it this way:

“Most children eat lunch early, so they are ravenously hungry by the time they get home. I feed my son before I expect anything from him. A small snack is often not enough for him. He will put away what seems like an entire meal, and still be hungry for dinner an hour or two later. He is a completely different child once he’s eaten.”

Other parents describe similar solutions, and many warn that the snack alone won’t stop the struggle, but that it makes a significant difference.

Provide Opportunities For Release Of Frustration

Another top answer from parents is that your child needs to release energy and emotions after a long day, particularly if a lot of the day was spent sitting at a desk being relatively still and quiet.

Many parents immediately describe taking their child to the playground or a physical class like gymnastics or karate. Others say they send their child outside to run off steam when they get home (or maybe after a snack). Still others say they send their child to their bedroom where they can jump, stomp, and scream (within reason) for a while.

If you allow your child to go wild for a little while after a long day of enforced self-control, it could help him prepare for a more relaxed afternoon and evening.

Offer Some Space For Decompression

Not every kid wants to run or do physical activity at the end of the day. Sometimes, they’re as exhausted physically as they are mentally and emotionally after a long day of working hard to meet others’ expectations.

Some parents say they provide a quiet or peaceful space for decompression instead. This could mean letting your child sit in their room with the door closed for 20 minutes before you start asking about their school day. For some kids, it might mean that you bring their tablet and headphones in the car for pickup, and let them have some screen time on the way home. One parent described the routine that changed things for their child:

“When we get in the house, I just let him do his thing for 15-20 minutes and do my own quiet thing. I’ll usually put on some music quietly, set some colouring stuff/play doh on the table, and if he asks me to join in, I will…The quiet, low energy coming home routine is what made the huge difference for us. He really does so well at school with impulse control (he has ADHD), and he just needs that time to decompress and ease into the transition of being at-home.”

Consider Changing Up Routines

Something in your child’s current routine may not be working out.

Consider whether some small shifts might help. For instance, if appropriate, your child may need a ten-minute break from his classroom in the afternoon that could be added to his IEP or an earlier bedtime.

Changing other things about the after-school routine, such as whether your child is picked up or rides the bus, or what route you take home (such as saving errands for another trip or taking a less-busy route) could also make a difference. Clinical psychologist Jennifer Weber tells Care.com:

“How long is their bus ride? Are they tasked with homework right away when they may benefit from a few minutes for a snack and unwinding after a long day? Are they perhaps overscheduled, melting down because they do not want to attend after-school activities until the evening? Troubleshooting home routines is often the first step.”

Encourage Sufficient Sleep

You’re probably already making every effort to help your child get enough sleep. Honestly, you may already be burnt out on trying to get them in bed on time, and fighting to get them to stay there for a full 8 hours — much less actually sleep that long.

One problem with that is that your kid may even need more than 8 hours of sleep, especially with ADHD. According to ADDitude, teens with ADHD may need 9-10 hours per night, and younger kids need even more.

If your child is hopping up (or being dragged awake) at 6am (or earlier) for school, this could mean a bedtime as early as 8pm, leaving them with as little as 3-5 hours between hopping off the bus and hopping in bed — time that still has to allow for bathing, eating, homework, and any chores or other obligations.

This is hard for your child and for you as a parent, but if you can encourage any extra rest, it may make things run a little more smoothly.

Appeal To Your Child’s Sensory Needs

Control sensory input is a great way to allow your child some decompression and release after school.

This is the time for clay, sandboxes, finger paints, digging in the backyard, water play, or even cuddling with a blanket that feels just right. You can try out fidget toys or set up a sensory box, or even prepare your child a space that lets him control sensory stimuli, such as a beanbag chair or a pile of pillows and blankets in a play tent.

Remember to help them adjust for comfort—remind your child to slip out of his shoes and coat, and, especially if he’s wearing a school uniform, suggest that he change into softer, more casual clothing.

Trust The Process (For A While)

It’s still early in the school year. While it’s great to make efforts to help your child cope with the new schedule for at least the first few weeks, remember that it is an adjustment.

For some kids, the after-school meltdowns will pass on their own as they settle into their new routine and get used to the practice. They may also get better as your child’s school relationships solidify—once he’s more comfortable with his classmates and his teachers.

It doesn’t mean you should ignore any issues, but it does mean that if things are rough the first several weeks, you shouldn’t panic. Keep encouraging your child and offering support, but know this may be a temporary problem.

Speak To Your Child About Their Feelings

When your child is calm, check in with them about their experience.

You can ask them what things at school are hard, how they feel when the day ends, and what makes them feel better. For instance, your child may wish you had responded to his meltdown with a hug and reassurance rather than correction and scolding. He may want everyone to give him ten minutes after school without any questions or demands.

Every child is different, so hearing from your kid can help you determine his needs.

However, do be aware that your child may not be consciously aware of his needs in that moment or able to name his feelings, and that’s okay, too. It’s still good to talk to him and make sure he knows you care about his feelings and needs during a meltdown, even if he can’t articulate them.

Check In With Your Pediatrician

If you feel like your child may be struggling more after school than you think is appropriate, it may be time to have a chat with his pediatrician. This especially applies if your child does have a diagnosis of ADHD and is taking medications to control it.

Some parents share that they’ve found an increase or change in meltdowns to be a sign it’s time to adjust medication, which can happen as your child grows and his needs change.

Your pediatrician might also suggest other changes in routine, diet, or your child’s IEP, if relevant, to help keep school stress at levels your child can handle.

Recalibrate Your Expectations (Where Appropriate)

One factor that is easy to overlook in parenting is that behavior can be frustrating and developmentally appropriate at the same time.

We get a lot of messages from family, the media, and other parents telling us that if our child isn’t acting a certain specific way or if they struggle, then it means we’re doing something wrong, we’re failing our child, and we’re setting them up for failure in adulthood.

It’s rarely, if ever, true.

If your child has a meltdown but isn’t hurting anyone, or if your child needs an extra 20 minutes of silence or headphones after pickup, or if your child is still struggling to cope with the same things that other kids his age seem (as far as you can tell) to be fine with, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with your child or your parenting.

Take a breath and remind yourself that every person has different needs, including every child. If you’re supporting your child and correcting them where it’s called for, it’s okay if their afternoon looks slightly different than some of their classmates’ day.

Establish A Routine For After School

Routines might be a viable answer for some kids.

Many kids with ADHD or other developmental disorders or learning differences thrive on knowing exactly what to expect. For them, the same daily routine can make a world of difference.

Establishing and communicating a routine to your child could be part of the solution. ( For example, you might say, “After school, put your backpack by the door, then come to the kitchen for a quiet snack. Then you can have 30 minutes of screen time before we talk about school.”)

Write this down or create a picture schedule (depending on your child’s age and reading ability) so they can easily access reassurance about their expectations for the day.

Check In With Your Child’s Teacher

There is another adult in your child’s life who spends hours per day with them and observes their behavior, interactions, and development. Consider asking your child’s teacher what they’re witnessing.

You may find that specific factors, like a stressful task near the end of each school day or a social situation, are causing discomfort. The teacher may be able to shift these if she knows they’re causing a struggle, but until you communicate, the teacher may not know the impact.

By collaborating with your child’s teachers, you may be able to help them find a more peaceful and comfortable environment both at school and at home.

Reconnect After The Meltdown

If your child does have a full-blown meltdown, make sure to connect with him again afterward. Offer hugs and reassurance so that he knows you’re still on his side and there to support him.

Talk about what happened, and invite him to share his perspective. Let him describe what things overwhelm him — was it the noise from his siblings in the car, or having to wait for help to reach a plate for his snack?

Discuss ways to handle these stressors, such as keeping a set of headphones in the car or moving a set of plastic dishes to a lower shelf where he can access them himself. Talk about ways to calm down amid stress, like taking deep breaths or counting to ten before reacting (but don’t expect him to adopt these methods immediately!)

Set Reasonable Boundaries & Limits

Your child’s emotions are valid, but not all behaviors are acceptable.

For instance, communicate to your child that he is allowed to use his headphones to shut out extraneous noise, but not allowed to throw things at his siblings for being loud. Or, he’s allowed to punch pillows but not walls. Or, he’s allowed to run and scream in the yard, but not in the house.

Whatever boundaries and limits are appropriate for your home and family, communicate them to your child while making it clear that he has permissible alternative options. Some parenting one-liners, like “It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to be mean,” can come in handy here.

Practice Self-Care For Your Own Well-Being

Your child is a human being with feelings and needs — and so are you. You are working hard to meet your child’s needs, and that’s wonderful, but please don’t neglect your own.

If you’re getting enough sleep, water, and a little decompression time for yourself, it will be much easier to deal with meltdowns than if you’re lacking those things. And we all know parents miss many of those needs because we’re busy pouring our energy into our kids.

Take care of yourself, and as long as your child is safe, step away from the meltdown and have a moment alone if it’s what you need. Like your child, you can also have a snack, use your headphones, and take a break in a dark corner with a comfy blanket.