Every child’s needs and abilities differ, but especially if your child has autism, ADHD, or any of a long list of developmental or physical disabilities, you may encounter judgment.
Some people simply don’t understand, while others are judgmental and mean-spirited intentionally. Either way, it can be painful and frustrating, especially if you’re already juggling a child who is having a meltdown alongside other responsibilities.
What do you say or do in those moments when someone has an opinion about your child still needing a bottle, sippy cup, or diapers, or needing to be held and comforted a little more than what they expect?
Ignore It
Sometimes, your best option is to ignore it.
A stranger in the grocery store, standing at the end of an aisle and loudly commenting about how her child would never have dared to fall on the floor and cry in public, has no fundamental importance in your life or your child’s life.
It’s perfectly okay, and sometimes, wisest, to ignore the stranger and focus on your child.
How do you know which incidents call for ignoring?
That will be up to your discretion, but some things you can consider are whether this person has any presence in your life, whether their words are affecting your child, and whether addressing them will take away from helping your child.
Politely Set A Boundary
If you want to show your child that you’re standing up for them and stopping invasive commentary, but you also want to be polite and appropriate, decide in advance how you will set boundaries.
This method can be attempted on anyone, but is most effective with people who you can expect to show respect and understanding when reminded. It can particularly be good for people with whom you will interact again, like extended family members.
You can say, “I appreciate that you care, but we are not seeking input on this.”
Or you might try, “I understand that you’re trying to help, but we’re working with his pediatrician, and I’m not seeking any other advice at this time.”
If you’d like to be even gentler, you might say, “I know you have a good heart. If we need any suggestions, I’ll reach out to you.”
If you’d like to be firmer, you could try, “No. I appreciate your intent, but I will not be discussing our choices.”
Educate The Other Person
Sometimes, it’s a good idea to explain your child’s struggles.
This usually applies to people who will be in your child’s life and might be open to learning why your child has additional needs or why they struggle to handle certain social situations or expectations. It may also apply in specific social situations.
For example, you may want to explain to your aunt, a school or daycare staff member, or the parent of your child’s friend. Or you may want to give some information to an adult the child is interacting with.
In these cases, you’ll want to judge the balance between explaining and protecting your child’s privacy.
For example, you might say, “We’re working with a speech therapist,” or “Her doctor recommended the sippy cup as we transition from a feeding tube.”
However, it’s vital to remember that your child NEVER has an obligation to be anyone else’s learning moment. You and your child do not have a responsibility to educate the moms on the playground, and you shouldn’t feel that you owe Auntie an explanation of the baby’s last medical appointment in order not to be judged or criticized.
Educating the other person is always an option, not a requirement.
Call Out Rude Behavior
Sometimes, you have to let people know that what they’re doing is just unacceptable.
Having a meltdown when the grocery store has been exhausting is age-appropriate behavior for a toddler. Getting frustrated when overstimulated is a skill-appropriate behavior for some children with autism or other neurodivergent conditions. Being easily distracted is normal for kids with ADHD.
Being rude and unkind to a mom who is just trying to fulfill her responsibilities in a public space is not appropriate behavior from another adult.
If you decide to call that kind of rudeness out, do so explicitly.
You could say, “My child is behaving within his abilities. You, however, are being rude.”
You might say, “Excuse me, did someone fail to teach you manners?”
Or you could use phrases like, “Staring is rude,” or “Nobody asked for your unkind input.”
There are four reasons to pick this method. First, it might make you feel better to stand up for yourself and your child. Second, it might make your child feel protected. Third, it may prompt the person to reconsider their behavior. Finally, this sort of response may encourage others to chime in.
If those apply to the situation, this might be an effective response.
Return The Stare
If someone has paused in an aisle to stare at your child, and your child doesn’t need specific attention from you at that moment, you can turn and stare back.
Yes, it’s petty, and it’s unlikely to change anyone’s mind or make them a better person.
However, it might prompt them to rethink the impact of their behavior and consider being at least a bit more discreet next time — and it might make you feel better.
You won’t want to use this one if your child is having a meltdown or another active need. Save it for the person who is staring at your child because of the way they’re talking, or because of a medical device, or because they’re riding in a stroller or using a sippy cup past the usual ages for those stages.
Employ Sarcasm
This is not a productive choice, really, but sometimes it can feel really good.
The best use for this is when someone nosy tries to tell you how you should be parenting. For example, use it when the cashier tells you that you should make your child walk, or when the lady at the playground informs you he’s too old for a bottle, or when another parent at daycare drop-off starts telling you that he’s too old for diapers.
You can say, “Thanks for the advice, I’ll tell our pediatrician you disagree with him.”
You can try, “Oh! I didn’t know there was another mom here with experience with [feeding tubes/autism/prematurity/any other relevant condition]! I’m so glad you’re here to tell me what I’m doing wrong!”
You might say, “Are you taking new clients? Our speech therapist is retiring, and it sounds like you have a lot of information to share.”
(Reiterating here: You never must disclose your child’s personal or medical information to random strangers.)
Sarcastic responses are best reserved for people who you don’t feel are open to genuine learning, and whose invasive attempts to disguise judgment as advice are just really on your last nerve.
Bring Support People
One excellent way to deal with other people’s bad behavior that affects your child is not to do it alone.
It’s not always an option, of course. However, when it is, bringing along your partner, a family member, or a friend, can help prevent unwanted commentary.
Your spare adult can take your child to look at interesting things if they’re getting bored with shopping, to stave off meltdowns.
They can speak up on your behalf with responses like, “Excuse me, you weren’t asked for your opinion,” or “His mom and I have this under control, thanks, please move along.”
They can also chime in for you and remind you that you’re a great parent and that other people’s judgment is irrelevant to that.
Talk To Your Child In Private
If your child is old enough to recognize other people’s bad behavior and feel hurt by it, it’s time for a conversation.
An older child who still experiences meltdowns or requires visible accommodations is typically aware that others have strong feelings and opinions, and can internalize this as shame. So, you’ll need to talk to your kid about the difference between being judged and being wrong.
Ensure your child understands that other people’s opinions of his needs and skills do not reflect his value as a person. Other people’s opinions are about their values and prejudices, and they don’t change your child’s worth.
Make sure he knows that you’re on his side, no matter who else is or isn’t.