We talk a lot these days about toxic masculinity, and for good reasons. Certain types of behavior that boys have been traditionally socialized into are the behaviors that result in domestic violence, child abuse, and other dangerous situations.
Sometimes men may fear that addressing toxic masculinity means eradicating masculinity, but nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, we should all be aiming to raise a generation of children who can embrace their masculinity in healthy ways, who can revel in their strengths and also feel safe in vulnerability.
These dads on TikTok are working to take their kids in the right direction and help their audiences do the same.
Being An Involved Parent
Gabriel Hannans, who goes by the handle The Indomitable Blackman, is honestly one of my favorite TikTok users. He has so much beautiful content on healthy masculinity and gentle parenting that it’s impossible to narrow it down to a single video. For that reason, I’m giving you two of them.
Here’s the first.
He asks dads to examine their involvement in their kids’ lives. He wants you to take a moment and see if you can answer some questions about your child as a person. Do you know your child’s favorite color? How about some of his interests? Can you name his best friend at school?
Lots of dads out there are great at this, but it’s still easy to get stuck in longstanding social norms that make this emotional involvement a mom’s job, and I love that Hannans is asking dads to notice their own involvement.
Talking To Kids About Emotions & Behavior
I can’t find the origin of the saying, “All emotions are valid, but all behaviors are not.” Still, it’s perfectly on point for adult behavior and teaching our kids emotional regulation.
It’s fine to be angry, but it’s not okay to throw things. It’s okay to be sad, but not to get revenge by destroying other people’s property. There’s nothing wrong with feeling frustrated, but hitting can’t be tolerated.
This is an important lesson for every human being, but it’s out of step with some more traditional views of masculinity. However, it’s a central tenet for healthy masculinity!
His wife caught this next dad on camera, gently teaching this fundamental lesson to his small son.
Modeling Emotional Regulation
This emotion coach, who goes by Dadding_Daily on TikTok, wants to share the secret to raising emotionally regulated kids.
It’s all in the modeling. He says that when dads get frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed and handle it well, they raise kids who learn to control and handle their emotions, even when they’re very upset.
“Our ability to tolerate our kids’ distress leads to their ability to tolerate their distress,” he explains, quoting parenting coach Dr. Becky Kennedy.
Breaking Stereotypes And Actually Listening To Kids’ Needs
This dad tells a story of two men (himself and a stranger in public) and how they reacted to a kid getting fussy.
The other guy, he explains, seemed very annoyed when he chose a gentle way of parenting his upset toddler, instead of resorting to physical punishments, yelling, or scolding. He says:
“That’s not the type of fathering he wanted to see this morning, even though it’s the fathering that worked. It made me empathize with the fact that so few men and boys ever receive any kind of tenderness in their lives, simply because they’re boys and men and that’s not how we’ve chosen to treat them.”
What did he do that disappointed this stranger?
Just listened to his child’s needs and met them.
This dad explains that this results in men like the stranger, who think the only way to love boys is by being rough.
Violence Begets Violence
The Indomitable Blackman, whom I mentioned above, has tons of videos about why spanking is damaging, and about how it’s possible to correct your kids without resorting to violence.
In this one, though, he gets into how violence in the home — whether it’s between partners or against the child — teaches little boys that violent behaviors are the way to respond to emotions.
He models a conversation between himself and a parent, in which the other dad is confused about why his son is suddenly hitting other kids, and mentions that he uses spanking to try to correct this.
What These Dads Have In Common
These dads may all take different approaches to specific situations, but they’ve all recognized an important truth.
Some of the ways that we socialize and normalize raising boys, and some of the things that we normalize as fathering behaviors, aren’t good for our kids.
Instead, every one of them has made a conscious decision not only to do better for their own kids and raise men who can embrace masculinity in healthy, safe ways rather than toxic, dangerous, damaging ways but also to spread the word and, hopefully, help other men see this, too.
If the message from these men catches on, we could make a generational shift that could change the world — and give our babies their best lives.