Are moms investing too much of themselves in their kids, or do dads need to step back and appreciate all the hard work their wives are putting in?
One therapist says that one of the top four complaints men have about their wives is that they spend too much time, energy, and anxiety on the kids. (Another is that she’s too busy and never any fun.)
She concludes that sometimes this complaint is a sign of the mother’s clinical levels of anxiety that are genuinely making her do too much and negatively affecting the family — but other times, it’s just a husband who isn’t used to that level of mothering.
After 20 Years, Psychologist Lists Top 4 Complaints Husbands Have About Their Wives
Samantha Rodman Whiten says that she’s seen all kinds of complaints from her clients about their spouses. We all know some of the things that tend to affect relationships — financial disagreement, jealousy, dishonesty, lack of connection, and so many others.
In her experience, though, the top four complaints from men are:
- Wife not showing them sufficient interest
- Wife too anxious about/focused on the kids
- Wife no fun, ‘constantly rushing’
- Wife has ‘let herself go’
How Much Of This Is Linked To Disparate Parenting Responsibilities?
We all know dads who are the primary caregivers, help with homework, cook and clean, are responsible for baths, and pack school lunches.
We also know that statistically, moms are still the primary caregivers in most households and, in most cases, are responsible for the mental load and most of the day-to-day childcare. While every human being has their priorities, moms are more likely than dads (35% to 24%) to say that being a mother is the most important aspect of their identity, according to Pew Research polling.
So, whether due to societal norms, household expectations, or personal feelings, moms still play a different role in child-rearing.
Right now, pretty much everyone who is actively parenting is exhausted, drained, and struggling. And moms say that a lack of appreciation is affecting their relationships.
Are Moms Actually Doing Too Much?
Well….maybe some of them.
Whiten says that about half of the time, when a client complains that his wife is “too anxious” about the kids, she turns out to actually be suffering clinical levels of anxiety, and cites statistics that about 40% of working moms are diagnosed with anxiety or depression.
So, for those moms, it’s possible they’re doing too much worrying, and getting some help and support might make things better for the whole family (especially her).
In other cases, Whiten says that the moms may just be “Type A” personalities, who want to make sure everything is done and done right, and married to men who “are just more laid-back” and “did not experience anything in their upbringing that resembles the amount of attention that their wives pay to their kids.”
Disparity In Parenting Roles Could Influence Those Other Complaints, As Well
If a mom is doing the majority of the childcare, then she very well may be too tired to focus her energy on other things, like exercising, dressing up and doing her makeup, or giving her husband the higher attention he’s asking for.
Those are only possibilities, though. In general, if there are issues like these, it’s a good idea for both partners to discuss them and find out what’s getting in the way. This, clearly, is why some of these folks seek out support and couples counseling.
If it is the parenting, hopefully there’s room for compromise, with mom relaxing a little more where appropriate, and dad stepping up a little more where it’s called for.
Moms’ Top Complaints About Their Husbands May Support This
A few years ago, Redbook published the top complaints from women about their husbands.
Their top 20 included complaints that a husband “doesn’t know anything about our kids,” that he “never helps out around the house,” and that “a little appreciation would be nice.”
It sounds like these complaints come from two halves of some of the same couples!
How Much Is Too Much?
One problem here is that kids do not need a prescribed amount of time, energy, and worry. In fact, every kid’s needs will be different,
Outliers aside (no, you don’t need a bed in your child’s college dorm, and no, your 4yo shouldn’t be left to fix her own breakfast) any opinion on whether a specific parent is doing too much for their child would just be an outsider’s judgment.
Instead, the best answer might be a discussion about the child’s development and each parent’s specific dealbreakers, some compromise in between, and a mediator in worst-case scenarios where there’s just no middle ground to be reached.
Parents can also remind themselves that they share at least one goal: the best for their child and family, even if they sometimes disagree on exactly what that means.
