If you’re frustrated with your kids never listening until you lose your temper and yell at them, parenting coach Tina Slightham has news for you. She says there’s a solid reason they behave that way, and you’ll probably not like it. The good news is she has some advice on how to turn it around.
Slightham says that while you may be frustrated with your kids’ behavior, it’s your behavior you should be looking at. If they don’t listen until you scream and “lose your sh*t,” she says, it’s because you’ve taught them that’s the way that works.
“That’s the boundary you’ve set,” Slightham explains.
How That Boundary Was Set
Slightham, who has a TikTok account devoted to parenting advice and also offers seminars and one-on-one work to help parents implement what she calls the “Parenting With Purpose Method,” explains that it’s natural for kids to test boundaries to learn what they can get away with.
They are learning what their family, society, and environment allow, and it’s developmentally normal for them to respond by adapting the behaviors that work.
She says that as parents, we teach our kids that we don’t really mean it until we start screaming by not carrying out any enforcement mechanisms until we’re so frustrated that we’re screaming and losing every semblance of self-control.
Watch Slightham Explain In Her Own Words
In a TikTok that has been around a while but is recently going viral again, the parenting coach describes the problem she sees in how parents fail to enforce the boundaries they intended to set with their child, and instead communicate an entirely different set.
What Should You Do Instead?
Slightham has a website offering detailed advice and one-on-one calls to struggling parents. However, she also freely and publicly shares plenty of her advice for those seeking it.
When it comes to boundaries, she says that you shouldn’t just expect your kids to know or intuit them. That’s the way to teach them entirely different boundaries than intended accidentally.
Instead, you should decide what the boundary should be and what will happen if it’s crossed. Then, put that into clear and precise language to share with your child, including consequences, and have the child repeat it back.
Sample Boundary
She offers an example that might be used in a household where a child keeps going over screen time and refusing to turn off devices when time is up. Her proposed script is:
“Okay, from now on we are going to have a new boundary around screen time. When it’s your designated screen time we will set a timer. When the timer goes off, then you must turn off your device. If you don’t turn off the device when the timer goes off, then you’re telling me that you don’t want to use your device tomorrow. Can you please tell me what our new plan is?”
Of course, this then relies on the parent enforcing that rule or boundary in the future. She has laid out the limit and the consequence of failing to follow the rule.
How This Benefits Everyone Involved
Here’s the good news: this benefits both parents and the child.
Slightham explains that children want clear boundaries. They would like to know exactly what is expected of them and exactly what will happen if they fail to meet that standard.
(If you’ve ever been a kid wondering whether you would be grounded, yelled at, or face a harsher punishment, her words will likely resonate — this takes all the anxiety out of wondering how your parent will react.)
Kids who know exactly what the limit is—and in her example, the visible timer makes this very concrete and clear—don’t have to worry about whether they’re crossing the line. Kids who know exactly what will happen if they disobey don’t have to worry about guessing the consequences.
What Else Should You Know About Boundaries?
Boundaries and rules should always be age-appropriate. You cannot require a child to do something that is beyond his abilities.
Slightham explains they should be “concrete, clear and consistent” — the three C’s.
She also emphasizes that you must be enabling them to meet those requirements, which she says starts with sufficient sleep. She explains:
When your child lacks quality and quantity sleep, they are destined to misbehave. Make sure you parent proactively by ensuring your child gets adequate sleep and avoid the need to parent reactively.
