Destroying things that other people love has always been a tactic that some folks have used, whether intended as abuse, intimidation, control, or coming from frustration and desperation.
It seems to have been on the rise with the viral video era, though maybe that just means we see it more, since parents (and sometimes spouses) so frequently film it to share with others. Parents, we can all identify with that utter frustration (and our kids sure destroy our stuff from time to time), but we have to be the grownups.
We are the ones teaching our kids how to handle their emotions, and when a grown-up destroys a child’s belongings, it teaches many lessons, likely none of them the intended ones.
When Adults Show Their Anger Physically
I’m in my 40s, and I still remember the pain and terror from the time that a teacher picked up my shoe and threw it across the room.
Oh, I was 5 or 6, and I was playing, slipping my foot in and out of my new slip-on shoes that I didn’t need any grown-up to tie for me, and so when she asked us all to stand, I was slower about it than she preferred, and no, it wasn’t the first time. She taught me a lesson that day, but it wasn’t about behaving in class.
It was that she was big and scary, and that she could be mean and violent.
I learned to be terrified of her. From then on, I knew that upsetting her could lead to scary things and that throwing shoes was an effective way to communicate frustration.
I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn’t intend to teach either of those things. She was human; she gave in to her emotions, acted badly, and scared a child in her charge.
The Latest Viral Video: Mom Throws iPad Out The Window
The latest viral video of a parent losing control of their emotions is a TikTok of a mom who threw her kid’s iPad out the window because the child was “being crazy.”
I’m not here to dump on this mom. She stands by her decision, even though she later retrieved the iPad. She’s not the first mom to reach the end of her rope and make a decision she might not have in a different situation, or one she might see differently in five years, and she won’t be the last. I have also made parenting decisions I stood by at the time, only to cringe years later, and I’ve apologized to my kids for quite a few of them.
Or maybe she won’t. Maybe in ten years, she and her kid will laugh and agree that this was a turning point and that the kid learned an important lesson. Every person is different, every relationship is different, and I’m not pretending to see the future.
Here’s the video.
What Child Development Experts & Therapists Say
There are a ton of people in the comments absolutely raving over this mom’s actions. Some just disapprove of kids having tablets altogether; others reference what they call “FAFO parenting” and say that kids need to see their parents snap a little more.
They praise her follow-through, since she first threatened to throw the device, then actually did it when her daughter didn’t believe she would.
Some describe their own experiences as a child or parent, ranging from throwing Barbies out the window to one parent who tells how they got rid of their daughter’s tablet:
“I posted it for free on FB marketplace and made my daughter watch me hand it to the lady.”
However, therapists don’t see it that way. Destroying a child’s belongings, one says, teaches kids that a parent can be erratic and violent. Here’s Jaqueline Eaton, LMFT, responding to an older viral video, in which a dad smashed a television because his kid didn’t turn off the game and clean up.
“Violence Does Not Mean…Discipline”
Eaton said, “Let’s talk about the fact that violence does not mean respect or discipline.”
In domestic contexts, destruction of property is generally considered abuse. That is, if your spouse gets angry at you and punches holes in the walls or throws your favorite coffee mug, it’s considered domestic violence.
Parenting relationships are different from romantic partnerships, but kids are still affected by violent behaviors, like watching a dad smash a television with a guitar. Kids quickly learn that no item is safe or sacred, and they can’t be sure whether they’re safe, either.
In fact, a commenter on one copy of the guitar-smash video shares:
“My best friend had a dad like this. Nothing he owned was safe.”
As Eaton affirms, the smash video is psychological abuse. Intentionally or otherwise, this is an adult sending a message to a child about how he might respond when he loses control of his emotions.
A Laptop-Shooting Dad Was An Early Example
The video above is an early example (2012) of parents going viral by violently destroying their kids’ belongings. In this case, a dad who was angry over a Facebook post his daughter had made took her laptop out and began firing bullets into it.
He later said that afterward, he told his daughter she should talk to him about her frustrations instead of posting online, and that he saved the hard drive for when she gets a new laptop. He appeared on the Today show, where he discussed all the comments online calling him an excellent dad for his decision.
“I’ve been hearing nonstop for weeks that I’m a “great” Dad. I’m not a “great” one… I’m just a Dad. There are moments in every parent’s life when they are wonderful, horrible, fun, evil, friendly, cruel… all based on the perspective of others who catch a moment in time, or in my case 8 minutes in time.”
Professor of psychology Christopher J. Ferguson responded in a Time op-ed, describing his concerns with what he saw in the video. He acknowledges that there may be legitimate grievances on both sides, and says that in all his work with parents and teens, it’s rare that either side is entirely in the right. However, he cites studies supporting parental warmth rather than harsh discipline. He adds:
“This is not to say that teens should never be disciplined, but that fostering bonding and trust between the parent and teen is a crucial element that shouldn’t be but often is neglected.”
He questions how it might work if this exchange were between a husband and wife. Suppose a wife posted unkind things about her husband, and he destroyed her laptop in response. He might feel hurt, but the destructive action would be unlikely to foster a better relationship.
His conclusion: sure, the kid behaved immaturely, because she’s a kid, but, “What’s our excuse as parents?”
What Should Parents Do?
Every one of us gets things wrong in parenting. There is probably no parent alive who hasn’t gotten frustrated, lost their temper, and responded in a way that wasn’t ideal. I think most of us have yelled, and probably most of us have firmly handed down a punishment at some point, only to realize later that our understanding of the situation was entirely wrong and our response wasn’t fair or appropriate after all.
We also know only a few minutes of the lives of the parents and kids in any of these videos.
As parents, we can try to always be learning, always doing better today than yesterday. We can make sure we’re listening to our kids, and that we seek support if we need it. We know that we’re all carrying heavy loads, and I don’t think any of us intends for our disciplinary actions to shift those loads to the shoulders of our children.
So, we can give ourselves a little grace when we catch ourselves having a more extreme reaction, but parents, can we just try not to destroy our kids’ stuff? Please?