A strong parent-child bond is the foundation of your child’s emotional well-being and future relationships. This bond, known as secure attachment, shows up in the way your child interacts with you and the world around them. When kids feel safe and loved, they naturally grow into confident, resilient adults.
But what if you’re worried your child doesn’t show all the signs of a secure attachment? Don’t stress—it’s never too late to strengthen your connection. Contrary to popular belief, attachment styles aren’t set in stone, and can change with intention and effort.
Sign #1: They Seek Comfort From You in Times of Distress
When kids are upset—whether it’s a scraped knee, a nightmare, or a tough day at school—they naturally look to their parents for comfort. This is a sign of secure attachment. It means they see you as their “safe haven,” someone they can trust to help them feel better when the world feels overwhelming. Research by psychologist John Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory, shows that secure bonds give kids the confidence to explore and face challenges.
But what if your child doesn’t seem to come to you when they’re upset? It’s not uncommon, and it doesn’t mean the bond is broken—it just means there’s an opportunity to strengthen it.
What to do if they don’t:
Start small. When your child is upset, let them know you’re there for them without judgment. Try saying something like, “I can see you’re feeling sad. I’m here to help.” Avoid dismissing their feelings, even if they seem minor to you—it’s a big deal to them. Sometimes, a comforting hug or sitting quietly beside them speaks louder than words.
With consistency and patience, your child will start to see you as someone they can rely on, which strengthens your bond and helps them feel safe seeking comfort in the future.
Sign #2: They Explore Freely (But Check Back With You)
Picture your child at a playground—they run off to climb the jungle gym or play tag with new friends, but occasionally, they glance back at you or come over for a quick hug. This is a classic sign of secure attachment. It means they trust you enough to explore the world, knowing you’re their safety net. Research shows that securely attached children are more likely to develop curiosity, resilience, and independence because they feel supported in taking risks and trying new things.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child hesitates to explore or seems overly clingy, it’s a sign they may need extra reassurance. Start by staying close during new or unfamiliar experiences. For example, sit nearby or participate with them if they’re nervous about trying a new activity. Offer gentle encouragement like, “It’s okay to look around—I’m right here if you need me.”
Avoid pressuring them to jump into something before they’re ready. Celebrate small steps toward independence, like trying out the slide on their own or waving at a new friend. Over time, these positive experiences help build their confidence, making them feel secure enough to explore while still knowing you’ll always be there when they need you.
Sign #3: They Share Joyful Moments With You
Securely attached kids naturally seek connection during happy moments. Whether it’s laughing at a silly joke, showing you their latest drawing, or calling your attention to a cool bug they found, these moments of shared joy reflect a deep sense of trust and connection. Sharing happiness is their way of saying, “You’re my safe person, and I want you to be part of this.”
What to do if they don’t:
If your child rarely shares joyful moments with you, they might be unsure how you’ll respond or feel disconnected. Start by actively engaging in their world. Notice and comment on the little things that bring them happiness, like their favorite toy or a fun story they tell. Saying something like, “Wow, that’s such a creative drawing! Tell me all about it,” shows them you’re invested in what excites them.
Create opportunities for connection by playing their favorite games, watching a movie together, or even joining them in a spontaneous dance party. When you show genuine enthusiasm for the things that light them up, it sends the message that their joy matters to you. Over time, this builds a stronger bond, encouraging them to share more of their happy moments with you.
Sign #4: They Show Empathy for Others
When a child shows concern for a hurt friend or offers to share their toy with a sad sibling, it’s a sign they’re developing empathy. This ability to understand and respond to others’ emotions is often rooted in a secure attachment. Kids who feel emotionally supported at home are better equipped to recognize and care about the feelings of others.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child struggles to show empathy, don’t worry—it’s a skill that can be nurtured. Start by modeling empathy in everyday situations. Acknowledge their emotions with phrases like, “I can see you’re upset because your tower fell down. That must be really frustrating.” This helps them feel understood and teaches them to recognize emotions in themselves and others.
Remember, empathy takes time to develop. By creating a home environment where emotions are acknowledged and kindness is celebrated, you’re laying the groundwork for your child to grow into a compassionate, caring adult.
Sign #5: They Express Their Needs Clearly
Securely attached kids trust that their voice matters. Whether hungry, tired, or needing a hug, they feel safe sharing their needs because they believe their caregiver will respond with understanding and care. This open communication is a cornerstone of a healthy attachment, showing your child feels secure enough to rely on you.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child struggles to express their needs, focus on creating an environment where all emotions and requests are welcomed—even the messy or inconvenient ones. Validation is key. Let them know their feelings are normal by saying things like, “It’s okay to feel angry,” or “I understand you’re feeling shy right now.” Avoid dismissing their emotions with phrases like, “You’re fine,” which can make them feel unheard.
By being consistently patient and attentive, you show them that their emotions matter and that they can trust you to respond with love and support. Over time, they’ll grow more confident in expressing what they need.
Sign #6: They’re Able to Soothe Themselves
Securely attached children may feel upset when you leave, like at daycare drop-off or bedtime, but they can usually calm themselves after a short period. This ability to self-soothe shows they trust you’ll return and have learned to manage their emotions in your absence. It’s a sign of emotional resilience and trust.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child struggles to self-soothe, practice small separations in low-pressure situations. For instance, leave the room briefly while saying, “I’ll be back in a minute,” and return promptly. Gradually extend these periods as they grow more comfortable.
Establishing predictable routines can also help. When leaving, always say goodbye and tell them when you’ll be back—sneaking away can heighten their anxiety and make them clingier. Try reassuring, saying, “I’ll see you after lunch!”
Comfort items, like a favorite stuffed animal or blanket, can provide additional reassurance during moments of distress. Consistency and patience are key. Over time, as they see that you always return, they’ll build the confidence to calm themselves in your absence, knowing you’re never far away.
Sign #7: They Are Confident In New Situations
A securely attached child often approaches new environments with curiosity and courage. Whether it’s meeting new people, trying a new activity, or starting at a new school, they feel confident exploring because they trust that you’re their safety net. This confidence stems from a solid foundation of love and support, which gives them the assurance they need to tackle challenges.
What to do if they don’t:
Start by being their anchor if your child seems hesitant or fearful in new situations. Instead of pushing them to jump in, stay close and offer gentle encouragement.
Celebrate small wins, like taking a step toward a new experience, and avoid comparisons to other children. Building confidence takes time, and every child progresses at their own pace.
You can also share your experiences with trying new things, emphasizing how you felt nervous but succeeded. Over time, as they see you consistently supporting them, they’ll develop the courage to face new challenges on their own, knowing you’re always there if they need you.
Sign #8: They Can Regulate Their Emotions
Securely attached children show the ability to manage their emotions healthily. While it’s normal for kids to experience big feelings—like frustration, sadness, or anger—secure attachment helps them process these emotions without becoming overwhelmed. With your guidance, they learn to pause, reflect, and choose constructive ways to cope, fostering patience and problem-solving skills that will serve them throughout life.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child struggles to regulate their emotions, focus on being a calm and steady presence during their outbursts. Validate their feelings and introduce simple strategies for self-regulation, like deep breathing, counting to ten, or squeezing a stress ball. Model these behaviors yourself—kids are more likely to follow your example than your instructions.
Most importantly, approach their emotions with patience and empathy. Instead of saying, “Calm down,” try, “Let’s work together to feel better.” Over time, your consistent support will teach them that emotions aren’t something to fear—they’re something they can navigate, with or without your help.
Sign #9: They Trust You with Their Vulnerabilities
Securely attached children feel safe sharing their inner world with you—whether it’s their fears, mistakes, or triumphs. When they come to you after a bad day or to celebrate a small win, it’s a sign they trust you to listen without judgment. This openness forms the foundation for honest communication as they grow. This gives them the confidence to navigate life’s ups and downs, knowing they’re not alone.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child hesitates to open up, focus on creating a safe emotional space. Start by being fully present when they do share—put away distractions and give them your undivided attention. Validate their feelings, and avoid jumping to solutions or minimizing their concerns. Instead, let them know their emotions matter.
It’s also important to model vulnerability yourself. Share age-appropriate experiences of your own, like saying, “I felt nervous at work today, but I talked it through with a friend.” When you show that emotions are normal and manageable, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing theirs with you.
Sign #10: They Enjoy Spending Time with You
Kids with secure attachments actively seek out moments to connect, whether it’s through play, conversation, or simply hanging out together. It’s not about grand gestures—the day-to-day quality time matters most. This desire to be close shows they value your presence and see you as a source of joy and comfort.
What to do if they don’t:
If your child seems distant, focus on fostering meaningful one-on-one time. Set aside time regularly to be with them without distractions, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day. Let them take the lead during these moments—whether they want to talk about their favorite cartoon or show you a new dance move.
Above all, be consistent. Kids thrive on predictability, and when you prioritize these shared moments, you send a clear message: I love spending time with you, and I’m here for you. Over time, these small investments can reignite their desire to connect and strengthen your bond.