One night, I was scrolling through Reddit, trying to get inspired by other parents (and reality TV shows if I’m being completely honest) when I came across a unique thread. A woman — who wasn’t close with her own mom — was asking other women how they maintained a close bond with their daughters.
As a mom of two, I was enthralled by the woman’s post and found plenty more just like it. Countless moms were seeking guidance on how to remain close with their daughters. While some women gave examples of strength and love, others felt safe enough to share their own experiences.
The bond between a mom and a daughter is a unique one (just as a father’s is with his son). Moms tend to see themselves in their daughters, which can become a layered journey of self-reflection. Although I have a close relationship with my own mom, the question prompted me to look deep within and ask myself what my mom did to cultivate such a strong bond with me.
Thankfully, experts have done the same thing, making the sensitive subject more approachable and easier to navigate for moms who want a close bond with their daughters.
Navigate Connection (Even When It’s Hard)
Navigating a blossoming relationship with your daughter throughout the years takes effort. Life brings ever-evolving dynamics, and without proper basics in maintaining a relationship, it’s easy to lose the connection that was once so close.
Those at Sparrow Counseling suggest that moms recognize the different transformations their daughters go through and navigate those changes with love and vulnerability.
Whether your daughter is a toddler or a teenager, it’s important to notice when your daughter is in a transformative stage. Things become emotional or feel heavy when they never were before. This could be a 5-year-old getting ready for kindergarten or a 16-year-old dealing with the highs and lows of junior prom.
What matters is remaining understanding and open communication, especially when things are hard. Your daughter may push back or act combatively in ways that feel unfamiliar, but that’s not an indication to give up. It’s then that you should find ways to connect with her that she’s open to.
Show up for her, support her, and be her biggest fan — even when she’s giving you the cold shoulder.
What Experts Say: “It’s essential during these times to remind her of your love in ways that resonate with her. Learn her love language—be it words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch—and use it to communicate your affection and commitment to your relationship.”
Respect Your Daughter’s Independence (While Remaining Supportive)
Independence is an important part of growth, and sometimes that independence can look like your daughter spacing herself from you. The important thing is that moms support their daughters’ independence (as long as it’s healthy, of course) and encourage them to pursue their interests intelligently.
Independence doesn’t necessarily mean your daughter doesn’t want to be close to you; it just means she’s on her own path and still needs your support. Openly communicate about each other’s goals or needs, and discuss boundaries. A desire for new things without mom by her side doesn’t mean she doesn’t need her mom; it means she’s growing up and is putting the work you taught her to the test.
Licensed psychologist Dr. Rachel Glik encourages mothers and daughters to learn from each other and grow together.
What Experts Say: “Conversations should become more woman-to-woman and less parent-to-child, though still maintaining some level of the mother-daughter boundary. Openly talk about how you each perceive the relationship and what you would like to create in this new adult phase.”
One Word: Acceptance
If there are two things experts repeatedly say, it’s that children want to feel validated and accepted by their parents. While most moms have the answers to their daughters’ never-ending questions about life, or have lived nine lives and a surplus of advice, daughters want to be accepted for who they are and for the decisions they have made. They don’t necessarily always want an answer from their mom.
It’s wise to accept the stage your daughter is at so that your relationship can transform. Experts at the Raising Children Network remind moms that it’s okay to let your kids be kids. It may be hard to loosen the grip or not give orders, but acceptance is about letting your kids “be.” There’s a lot you can learn about your daughter just by watching them play, rehearse, or unwind.
Encourage your daughter without judgment. Kids are more likely to open up to their parents when they already feel accepted and not judged.
What the Experts Say: “Show acceptance, let your child be, and try not to give directions all the time. If your child wants to pretend the building blocks are people, that’s OK. You don’t have to get your child to use them the ‘right’ way.”
Open Communication (And Active Listening)
A crucial tool for maintaining a close relationship with your daughter is active listening. The art of actively listening is soaking in the unsaid and giving your undivided attention to your daughter. By becoming a better listener, you may be more inclined to encourage your daughter to open up and share what’s on her mind.
Focusing on active listening can increase open and honest communication. Mother-daughter coach Janice Williams explains how active listening promotes better communication between mothers and daughters, thereby strengthening bonds. Sometimes, kids don’t want an answer or a direct response; they want open ears.
“When advice is given without being invited, it comes across as dismissive or patronizing, as though one person believes they know better than the other person,” Williams shared. And once a child feels dismissed or judged, walls get built, and they’re less likely to reveal their feelings.
Williams assured that there will be time to solve your daughter’s problems. For the time being, pause and actively listen.
What the Experts Say: “Listening creates effective communication, and your relationship will be stronger. When someone shares their thoughts or problems, they want to feel heard and understood, not immediately given solutions.”
Moms Need An Identity, Too
It’s easy to lose your identity when you’re a mother. Between PTA meetings, extracurriculars, and chasing kids’ schedules around all day, mothers find that ignoring their own goals and passions is par for the course. Ironically, working on your own identity — an identity that isn’t attached to your child’s — can encourage a strong relationship between you and your daughter.
Dr. Glick explains that moms shouldn’t be afraid to pursue their own originality while being hands-on parents. Individuality allows both mother and daughter to learn and grow from each other.
As priorities shift, it’s important to remember who you are with your child. Let your daughter see your hopes, dreams, and hobbies as well.
What the Experts Say: “Leave room for each of you to be individuals; your differences need not be a threat to your bond. Don’t worry if you go through some tension together in the name of intimacy and growth. Actually, the more you can celebrate each other’s uniqueness and safely express your feelings and views, the greater your appreciation and closeness should grow. It’s not real closeness when you can’t be authentic.”
Easy Ways To Remain Close
Sometimes open communication and finding similar interests can be tricky. Instead, there are small things you and your daughter can do to strengthen your relationship, show trust, and remain close.
Carrides: Whether you have a toddler or a teenager, carrides are great ways to catch up or talk about big (or small) problems. Being on the go and inside an enclosed area forces you and your daughter to confront awkward conversations. Ask questions, listen intently, listen to a podcast you both admire, and drive on.
Journal: Sometimes, some things are too intense, awkward, or embarrassing to outwardly say to your mom or daughter. Instead of not talking at all or launching a tense conversation that no one is ready for, moms and daughters can try journaling. Your daughter can start by writing you a letter. Encourage her to share what school is like, her highs and lows… Once she’s done journaling, she can leave the journal in a special place for you to read and respond whenever you’re ready. The give-and-take allows for close conversations without the awkwardness.
Hobbies: Whether your daughter likes to go for a run, play with animals, or shop, her hobbies become mom’s hobbies. This isn’t to say that mom can’t enjoy herself, too. The point is to communicate and get to know each other through mutual interests. Understanding your daughter’s likes, dislikes, and hobbies is a great way to stay connected. Even listening to the kinds of music your daughter likes could be enough to open up to one another.
One-On-One Dates: Life gets busier and more complicated as kids get older. Friends, social events, and sports or hobbies can take away the normal free time that kids used to have when they were younger. To stay close, take your daughter on a “mommy and me” date. Whether she just started kindergarten or is in high school, do something together without all the noise. Catch up, do something fun, and enjoy each other’s company.
Regardless of how you connect with your daughter, what matters is that you listen, validate, and comfort your daughter to let her know that, despite time, busy schedules, and growing up, you’re always there for her.
