Maybe you’re scrolling social media and you see your teen’s post, or maybe a concerned friend or family member sends you a screenshot.
The post says something vague and sad — maybe it just sounds like your child is miserable and depressed, or like he feels he has no friends or support group, or even like he’s considering taking drastic measures with his life and safety.
What do you do? How do you determine whether your child is at serious risk, needs some extra support, or is just looking for a bit of attention?
It’s Called “Sadfishing” — Seeking Attention Via Sad Posts
Like adults, kids share their feelings for various reasons, and like adults, some feelings kids have are deep, intense, and lasting, and others are fleeting or less severe. Whether that feeling is constant and unbearable or transient and minor, sometimes we all want to feel validated.
Healthy ways to seek that validation may include talking to a friend, family member, or therapist about it. Blasting it out to a crowd isn’t necessarily a sign that those support structures are lacking, but it could be a call to check in on how they’re doing.
Sharing Negative Feelings Can Be Cathartic
A November publication in BMC Psychology addressed different types of feelings teens have and why they may want to share them in a semi-public (social media set to ‘friends’ visibility) setting rather than a more private (one-on-one) style.
The authors note that people can share negative experiences and emotions for reasons ranging from bonding to destigmatizing to guilt relief, but what they term “sadfishing” is specifically seeking sympathy.
While it may come from anyone, sadfishing is more prevalent among certain groups: those who perceive a lack of social support, those who lack face-to-face interactions, and those with mental health struggles that make face-to-face interaction more difficult, among others.
Perceived Benefits Of A Sad Post Rather Than Direct Conversation
An isolated person may feel like a burden or that no one understands. A post that 15, 50, or 200 people can see might feel as though it is more likely to receive a response from someone who is choosing to engage, while a direct conversation with another individual might feel like demanding time from someone who may or may not be willing to spend it. There may also be a higher risk of rejection than reaching out for a response from anyone who will answer.
Participants in the study cited above were asked about the negative reactions they receive when posting sad content online, and a majority said that they never or rarely receive critical feedback or negative responses to such posts.
What Conversations Should We Be Having With Our Teens?
When you know your child is posting negative emotions, it’s good to check in with them.
Ask how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they’d like to share or get help with. You can bring up the post and make sure they know you’re coming from a place of support rather than judgment. Let your child know that they’re always welcome to discuss feelings and experiences with you.
It’s also a good time for a reminder that vulnerable posts can gain a reach beyond their intended audiences. Don’t tell your child that she is responsible for other people’s bad or hurtful behavior, but encourage her to make cautious and mindful decisions about what she shares and with whom.
Most of all, make sure your child knows that you will help them access the support systems they need, even if those support systems involve others. Let them know you’ll help them access mental health support if they need or want it, and encourage face-to-face communities like sports, a club about their interests, or other groups.
How Seriously Should We Take Sad Posts?
Sad posts don’t necessarily mean there’s a mental health crisis imminent and that your child needs to be rushed into care. However, a parent will have to make determinations about the post’s content and intent.
Any time a post or other communication from a teen seems to intimate that they are engaging in self-harm or intend to do so, it calls for an adult to step in. The same applies if you see signs that your child is engaging in, or maybe planning to engage in, behaviors that could put their life at risk.
Speak with your child and ask them frankly whether they are thinking about self-harm or risky behaviors. Assess whether you believe the two of you can agree on a level of support and communication you trust to keep them safe.
If you can’t reach an understanding that makes you feel secure in your child’s safety, or if your child agrees they need additional support and guidance, then it’s time to seek professional support.
What If We’re Sure A Child Needs Help But They Refuse?
Typically, mental health care is most effective for a willing and engaged participant. If your child refuses to accept support, but you’re certain that it is needed, there are some options for coming to an arrangement.
The Charlie Waller Institute, a UK-based mental health charity, suggests speaking to your child’s school counselor. A student who is unwilling to spend his free time in a therapy office may be more willing to talk if it frees up half an hour from one of his classes.
Other than that, they recommend offering practical support to lighten the load and self-help resources for dealing with mental health struggles.
The Child Mind Institute recommends reframing how you speak to your teen about mental health. Discuss with them the purpose of mental health care (compare it to the best basketball player still relying on a coach or visiting a doctor for any other medical need), and ask them about their priorities.
For example, if they’re frustrated with school, friendships, or dating, help them understand that these goals might become more accessible through therapy work.
Whatever You Do, Don’t Despair!
Please encourage your child to share their emotions appropriately (which may or may not include social media posts) and to feel safe sharing their feelings and experiences with you.
Help them maintain peer groups and social supports, and where appropriate, help them see the positives in their lives. Be part of their support group, and provide practical as well as emotional support.
Keep the conversation open, and make sure they know you’re watching their social media, not to police it but for connection and protection.
Most of all, remember that adolescence is temporary, but your relationship with your child is permanent. Teenagers feel things very strongly, and dismissing those feelings can have long-term effects.